ENOUGH WITH THE F*KING DRAMA ALREADY
I'm totally exhausted.
And today was a good day. Let me tell you about the good day I had. :)
So, first things, first. I weight myself every single morning (I've forgotten a few times but hey, darn near perfect for four months or something). I gained a little weight today from yesterday, but yesterday I hit a new all-time low since I started tracking my weight loss.
So as of today I've officially lost 45.6 lbs since I started. I've had a major plateau for the last month, solid, so losing weight again is definitely a relief.
To be really fair though, I haven't tracked my food (and thus my calorie intake) for a couple months, so it's not surprising that I was plateauing when I didn't (still don't) have any concept of how close or far off my calorie goal I've been going.
I've almost lost all the weight I gained since moving to Phoenix. (I have old pants still, and I can button and zip them but it's uncomfortable and very unflattering - talk about your muffin top!
So, anyway, I've been thinking about trying to get back in the habit of logging my food stuff again. (I guess it doesn't matter after all that out of 5 people who started using losit along with me, exactly 0 of them still log. Though that does make it more interesting in it's way.)
Ok, so, went to Grandma and Grandpa's house for Mah Jong, which is always fun. Vanessa spotted me $4 (she did last week too) so when I inevitably lost it all to her, there was no bad feeling because it was hers to begin with. (She cleaned us all out! She won nearly $6! Considering we all start with $4 that means she took half everybody's money on average).
The Mah Jong league updates the card every year, too, so today was the first day we played with the new card. Kinda fun to start looking for new groupings and hands to make. It definitely gets much much easier the more you play.
Grandpa made me several of his utterly delicious cheese sandwiches. His are literally the best of anyones anywhere of anytime. They are sooooo yumtastic.
Found out one of my aunts does the Mary Kay thing, which is cool because the best base I've ever found for matching my skin tone is through them, and you have to order through a sales rep specifically, you can't order generally off the web site. So I haven't gotten any more. But obviously, it's no big deal if it's my aunt, and also it's cool that it'd be supporting her. So I may get myself some new makeup here sometime.
Greg and Vanessa and I went to Freddy's which was awesome. They have the most delicious steakburgers ever. Sooooooo good (I know pretty much everyone I know is a vegetarian now, but anyhow, these were soooo good.) I can't remember the last time I had a burger before this and I used to eat them all the time. So I guess, yeah for me, for making marginally healthier eating choices!
(I almost always have a turkey sandwich or a salad for breakfast/dinner & lunch/midnight snack and I've often been having an egg bagel thing for dinner/breakfast ) To read that the first item is what the meal is to me and the second is what it would be to a daylight person.
But the best thing about Freddy's is the frozen custard. That is sooooo delicious. I used to have frozen custard when we lived in the midwest. I'm telling you, it is sooo much creamier and smoother than ice cream, once you have custard it will always be emblazoned in your brain as the best form of frozen dairy product ever. YUM!
I'm sure I will have gained at least 2 lbs tomorrow because of today's expedition, but that's ok. "2 lbs, well worth it." (Original quote: "2 minutes, well worth it." can you name that source? That quote pops up in my head all the time, and the Icelandic accent with it. I wonder if the accent was at all accurate, actually.)
I soooo need to go grocery shopping, by the way. Because it's a million times cheaper to make your own eggs n toast/bagel than it is to buy it. And then I could finally avoid buying myself hot chocolate all the time, too. Which I'm sure is milllions of calories and sugar and also $$.
Anyway, I was excited because G&V were talking about baby names and they included me in the conversation and even listened to my opinions on the matter. Now, obviously, I do not expect nor should/will I receive final cut on the subject, but I was allowed to influence and persuade.
It was cool that their boys name actually isn't pinned down like we all thought it was going to be. They had ONE girls name agreed on and set in stone, but they've got like 20 or so different names on boys name list and pretty much all of them are ones I like. :)
Plus name etymology has always been really fun to me. :)
When we got back to G&V's place they invited me to come inside and hang out longer, which is cool, because it doesn't always happen. Sometimes they're just like, "Ok, tired. bye." or whatever. But I said I'd better leave them be and get home (because it was about an hour until Al was supposed to be off work and I knew if I hung out with G&V I'd be there for hours.)
Oh, yesterday I watched Inception and it was really good. I very much liked it, it was a right up my ally kind of movie. And it had some good actors in it. Plus Chris Nolan = best Batman movies ever made so, you gotta love and support the man.
Ok, well, there was a lot I was going to do tonight that I just didn't get done in the face of all that dramaramalama. Silly silly silly.
Will do it another time or not at all, I suppose. :)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
blarg
Mergablergamerg.
I don't want to have to go back to work when I wake up. :(
There's been tooooooonnnns of drama lately and 90% of it has been specifically directed at me.
Makes an already physically exhausting and painful job just that much more fun to deal with, yippee.
There was so much drama, just on Wednesday night, that one of my co-workers felt the need to call me on Thursday just to vent for almost 3 hours about how bad it all is. This is a person who, even though she's had my phone number for literally months now, has never more than texted me on important work related subjects before. But it got her so riled up that she had to vent for almost 3 hours.
She thinks the other people who are regularly in the Prep department are intentionally "sabotaging" me. >.<
She's not exactly wrong, either. They've been giant baby brats in the last couple of weeks and alternately being snippy with me and then refusing to acknowledge my existence when I'm standing right the hell in front of them.
I do the Prep recorder position (I know that means nothing to you), but it's kinda crap and also kinda a position of authority, or at least, it has become one. Anyhow, before I came into the Prep department there, no one would do the recorder position for a whole shift because they all hate it so much.
...............I do it every single day for all 10 hours of the shift, and I don't take unnecessary breaks or wander off to dick around or talk with my friends or take mysterious 45 min bathroom breaks like these other girls do.
And I've always been very polite with them and basically let them do their own thing and although the constant talking and break taking drives me bonkers this is one of those tight knit clique things that you will always be on the outside of and we can make it easy for you or we can make it hell for you, which will it be. Do you know the type?
And last week one of the girls who was helping to prep record at another station, comes over and asks me if I can speed up because she's exhausted from prep recording (she'd been doing it for 4 hours at that point.) I smiled at her and said "Okay, but I have been finishing pallets at the same rate as you." To which she sneered at me said "I don't think so," turned around, walked off, and got one of her friends from the little clique to "help her" prep record for the rest of the night, both of them talking about me to each other and the other people in prep and yet refusing to make eye contact with me or speak to me for the rest of the 6 hour shift.
And I know I actually was keeping rate with her, because it's my effing job to track how many pallets get done. -_-
That was a mild night. Wednesday was something completely else. Like nonstop drama from start to finish. Nonstop bitchiness from start to finish. Breaking Prep rules specifically just to give me (and the other people in prep who are not part of their group and therefore like me) a hard time.
Basically, there's no PA (assistant manager type role) that is in charge of Prep right now and the managers have asked me to pick up the slack there and pseudo manage. So I keep track of the inventory (pallets in, pallets out) and I monitor the rate (it's a collective rate) and I give feedback on the rate, telling the group what percentage we're at. They also want me to assign the Prep members to the individual tasks (there's basically 3 tasks, recorder, regular prep-er, and prep receiver). So, they gave me more responsibility with no authority except bitchiness behind it, and I don't like being a bitch.
They are forcing my hand in the bitchiness department. Basically, they're annoyed that the managers chose me to have this fake authority role (probably because I actually expect everyone to work at work and not stand around doing nothing for half an hour while every one has to pick up their slack) and definitely because they view me as an outsider. I did prep on the TFC1 side of the building, but when they combined the two sides, they moved everyone from TFC1 over to PHX6, and since they'd been working in that area the whole time they viewed it as "their area" and that all of us were "new" or less experienced, even though some of us have actually worked for Amazon longer.
So basically, this group of girls, there's about 5 of them, but 2 of them are the real ringleaders, are looking for an excuse to get me thrown out of the Prep area so they can go back to bossing everyone around like they used to before I got there.
The only thing I have going on my side in this situation is that the managers know me well enough (I hope!) to know I don't mess around at work and that I don't ever abuse my fake authority.
I have to work with these people 40 hrs a week. I try to be polite and even so far as kind. One of the girls who's leading the bitchiness revolution hates receiving but she's one of the few with permission to do it. Instead of flat out telling her she has to do it (which I could, my fake authority extends so far) I tell her "I'm putting you in charge of getting a prep receiver, so please find someone who can do it for you, or do it for yourself."
And she sneers at me, walks away, doesn't do what I asked for 15 minutes (our group rate is dropping 30%, this whole time, which hurt everyone) until the manager comes over and asks me why we don't have another prep receiver. I tell him I asked Vivian to either find a receiver or to do it herself and she hasn't yet, but I'll follow up with her. He asked me: "She didn't want to do it?" "No." "Oh, okay." and he walks away.
After that Vivian got one of her cohorts to receive for her....the other ringleader of Bitch, who also happens to be several months pregnant. Great job, making your pregnant friend do the job where you have to lift heavy things and move fast.
Blah blah blah, there's soooooooooooooooooooooooo much drama that happens there. This is just the tip of the huuuuuge bobbing iceberg.
I want them to stop being bitches, I want to not have to be a bitch in turn (though I will if it comes to that and the Managers are willing to back up that what I say goes), and I do hope that the Managers are aware enough of the crap that's going on to be willing to say something like that.
I haven't tried pushing my luck on the issue, because I'm worried that the managers will just blindly punish everyone for the drama, including myself, when I haven't done anything to provoke it. Or (in it's own way just as bad) that the managers will back me up and help take care of it, but will also lose respect for my ability to handle the situation there.
Not a great perception for them to have of me if I ever want to get a Tier 3 job. :\
But, though the issue has been getting progressively worse for several weeks, I have not pushed it, but the coworker who was upset about what happened enough to need to vent to me, she says she wants to talk to the managers tomorrow (today when I wake up).
This could be an opportunity to fix the issue.
Or nothing will change from the managers' perspective and the drama will increase tenfold when the bitch clique think I'm sending people to "tattle" on them behind their backs.
And, yes, I know about all that HR bullshit about working conditions and hostility and all that. But the fact of the matter is, I've never seen anyone use that process to resolve an issue without it reflecting back on them in negative ways. (Even though, yes, I know that's also against the rules. But people develop perceptions and it's not against the rules to turn down an otherwise qualified applicant in favor of another qualified applicant because you felt one would be "a better fit with the team". And it's not against the rules to make that sort of judgement call, every time.)
And I don't know the managers and the process enough to know if they're the type to honor it or to brush it aside in annoyance.
blllaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
I was trying to post something that wasn't a stupid, pointless, self-pitying rant that I will regret in a week.
:| I'm not so sure I succeeded on that front.
Instead, for entirely different tone, you should read the posts I made on my other (very much currently neglected) blog.
I need to write more drabbles or have literary related things to say so I post there more often.
Or maybe I need to broaden the scope of the blog.
I don't want to have to go back to work when I wake up. :(
There's been tooooooonnnns of drama lately and 90% of it has been specifically directed at me.
Makes an already physically exhausting and painful job just that much more fun to deal with, yippee.
There was so much drama, just on Wednesday night, that one of my co-workers felt the need to call me on Thursday just to vent for almost 3 hours about how bad it all is. This is a person who, even though she's had my phone number for literally months now, has never more than texted me on important work related subjects before. But it got her so riled up that she had to vent for almost 3 hours.
She thinks the other people who are regularly in the Prep department are intentionally "sabotaging" me. >.<
She's not exactly wrong, either. They've been giant baby brats in the last couple of weeks and alternately being snippy with me and then refusing to acknowledge my existence when I'm standing right the hell in front of them.
I do the Prep recorder position (I know that means nothing to you), but it's kinda crap and also kinda a position of authority, or at least, it has become one. Anyhow, before I came into the Prep department there, no one would do the recorder position for a whole shift because they all hate it so much.
...............I do it every single day for all 10 hours of the shift, and I don't take unnecessary breaks or wander off to dick around or talk with my friends or take mysterious 45 min bathroom breaks like these other girls do.
And I've always been very polite with them and basically let them do their own thing and although the constant talking and break taking drives me bonkers this is one of those tight knit clique things that you will always be on the outside of and we can make it easy for you or we can make it hell for you, which will it be. Do you know the type?
And last week one of the girls who was helping to prep record at another station, comes over and asks me if I can speed up because she's exhausted from prep recording (she'd been doing it for 4 hours at that point.) I smiled at her and said "Okay, but I have been finishing pallets at the same rate as you." To which she sneered at me said "I don't think so," turned around, walked off, and got one of her friends from the little clique to "help her" prep record for the rest of the night, both of them talking about me to each other and the other people in prep and yet refusing to make eye contact with me or speak to me for the rest of the 6 hour shift.
And I know I actually was keeping rate with her, because it's my effing job to track how many pallets get done. -_-
That was a mild night. Wednesday was something completely else. Like nonstop drama from start to finish. Nonstop bitchiness from start to finish. Breaking Prep rules specifically just to give me (and the other people in prep who are not part of their group and therefore like me) a hard time.
Basically, there's no PA (assistant manager type role) that is in charge of Prep right now and the managers have asked me to pick up the slack there and pseudo manage. So I keep track of the inventory (pallets in, pallets out) and I monitor the rate (it's a collective rate) and I give feedback on the rate, telling the group what percentage we're at. They also want me to assign the Prep members to the individual tasks (there's basically 3 tasks, recorder, regular prep-er, and prep receiver). So, they gave me more responsibility with no authority except bitchiness behind it, and I don't like being a bitch.
They are forcing my hand in the bitchiness department. Basically, they're annoyed that the managers chose me to have this fake authority role (probably because I actually expect everyone to work at work and not stand around doing nothing for half an hour while every one has to pick up their slack) and definitely because they view me as an outsider. I did prep on the TFC1 side of the building, but when they combined the two sides, they moved everyone from TFC1 over to PHX6, and since they'd been working in that area the whole time they viewed it as "their area" and that all of us were "new" or less experienced, even though some of us have actually worked for Amazon longer.
So basically, this group of girls, there's about 5 of them, but 2 of them are the real ringleaders, are looking for an excuse to get me thrown out of the Prep area so they can go back to bossing everyone around like they used to before I got there.
The only thing I have going on my side in this situation is that the managers know me well enough (I hope!) to know I don't mess around at work and that I don't ever abuse my fake authority.
I have to work with these people 40 hrs a week. I try to be polite and even so far as kind. One of the girls who's leading the bitchiness revolution hates receiving but she's one of the few with permission to do it. Instead of flat out telling her she has to do it (which I could, my fake authority extends so far) I tell her "I'm putting you in charge of getting a prep receiver, so please find someone who can do it for you, or do it for yourself."
And she sneers at me, walks away, doesn't do what I asked for 15 minutes (our group rate is dropping 30%, this whole time, which hurt everyone) until the manager comes over and asks me why we don't have another prep receiver. I tell him I asked Vivian to either find a receiver or to do it herself and she hasn't yet, but I'll follow up with her. He asked me: "She didn't want to do it?" "No." "Oh, okay." and he walks away.
After that Vivian got one of her cohorts to receive for her....the other ringleader of Bitch, who also happens to be several months pregnant. Great job, making your pregnant friend do the job where you have to lift heavy things and move fast.
Blah blah blah, there's soooooooooooooooooooooooo much drama that happens there. This is just the tip of the huuuuuge bobbing iceberg.
I want them to stop being bitches, I want to not have to be a bitch in turn (though I will if it comes to that and the Managers are willing to back up that what I say goes), and I do hope that the Managers are aware enough of the crap that's going on to be willing to say something like that.
I haven't tried pushing my luck on the issue, because I'm worried that the managers will just blindly punish everyone for the drama, including myself, when I haven't done anything to provoke it. Or (in it's own way just as bad) that the managers will back me up and help take care of it, but will also lose respect for my ability to handle the situation there.
Not a great perception for them to have of me if I ever want to get a Tier 3 job. :\
But, though the issue has been getting progressively worse for several weeks, I have not pushed it, but the coworker who was upset about what happened enough to need to vent to me, she says she wants to talk to the managers tomorrow (today when I wake up).
This could be an opportunity to fix the issue.
Or nothing will change from the managers' perspective and the drama will increase tenfold when the bitch clique think I'm sending people to "tattle" on them behind their backs.
And, yes, I know about all that HR bullshit about working conditions and hostility and all that. But the fact of the matter is, I've never seen anyone use that process to resolve an issue without it reflecting back on them in negative ways. (Even though, yes, I know that's also against the rules. But people develop perceptions and it's not against the rules to turn down an otherwise qualified applicant in favor of another qualified applicant because you felt one would be "a better fit with the team". And it's not against the rules to make that sort of judgement call, every time.)
And I don't know the managers and the process enough to know if they're the type to honor it or to brush it aside in annoyance.
blllaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
I was trying to post something that wasn't a stupid, pointless, self-pitying rant that I will regret in a week.
:| I'm not so sure I succeeded on that front.
Instead, for entirely different tone, you should read the posts I made on my other (very much currently neglected) blog.
I need to write more drabbles or have literary related things to say so I post there more often.
Or maybe I need to broaden the scope of the blog.
update on the psychosis
oh, hey, guys........................
by the way.............
apparently, this is all on me.
not surprising really.
So what if it makes me feel really bitter, but Al does have a good point on the matter:
She never said she would hang out tonight. Just that she thought she might.
And if I didn't feel like dog shit before, realizing she's right about that, and that she's right about allllll the underlying implied statements there, too, brings that right back.
I was 100 percent like: Shit, I just assumed here, didn't I. I just pushed myself on her. She never said she actually wanted to spend time together tonight.
But now I don't think that's actually all accurate. She genuinely was just more interested in talking to her online chat friends tonight than doing our thing. Because she did say she was just going to pop in to say she wasn't going to be in their chat tonight because she was going to do our thing.
But instead, she came back to me and said, she was going to do chat, but if I wanted to wait for her to be done talking with them, then she'd spend some time with me.
I don't think that's the same thing at all. But w/e I did push her to want to hang out tonight when she said she didn't feel like talking to the other people. MY MISTAKE guys.
Seriously, though. I probably should have seen that coming. They are all still shiny and new, and they have trumped me every time so far, sooooo...
Brain freaks out and blah blah blah....long story short,
I completely feel like crawling back into my little hole for a couple weeks.
Not like it's any different anyhow.
But hey, probably this is the upswing. Feeling petty, angsty, and annoyed, and peeved, and upset, and taken for granted is a vast improvement, because all of those emotions require an underlying implication of self worth that is being crushed/ignored/trespassed/etc.
So, given that, probably, tomorrow I will be on even keel again. Embarrassed and appalled for not having been a better person to begin with.
I won't care about Al not wanting to talk on one of the few nights its even possible for us to talk anymore.
It was stupid to even ask, because it's been established for months now that Saturdays do not belong to me, and that was okay before, and it will be okay again in the future.
There will still be an issue in overcoming the part where for howeverlong my reptilian brain decides, in order to "protect" myself from such future events, I will default to assume that any plans, even "definite" ones, are not meant, and the phrase "so I wanted to talk to you" means "So I thought I might be bored but if something else comes along forget that previous statement" with the obvious exception of "I have something to get off my chest so we can talk, just please limit your side to 10 drama free minutes."
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo unfairly bitter. Me, that is.
I am a bad person/friend/companion/everything. So please pack your bags and leave now.
blah.
This is exactly the kind of stuff I try to keep locked up to fester for months at a time inside my brain. Because as helpful as it is for me to see it written out, analyze it, and start the process of rejecting it..............as useful as that is for me, I know the people who would see this can't help but judge me for it. Can't help but lower myself a notch in their estimation.
And I can't blame them at all.
And that's another notch I'll have to pull myself back up, slowly, painfully, and perhaps, unsuccessfully.
I never did have much upper body strength.
Al will read this some day and get pissed and dislike me for a time.
If Amanda reads this, that could be even worse. How obviously petty it must be to a third party observer, and I've given her a million reasons to walk away already. Been really worried that that's already happening.
And Marisa.......god. I don't think she reads this blog and that's a good thing. I don't think there's much I could do to be lower in her estimation. Not really as a person, she's so much better than that, but as someone she does not want in her daughters' lives. What a great escape, Kaleena! Good job! A plus plus.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over the fear of driving everyone in my life that I care about away. And I can't but plainly see that I'll never be worthy of that affection unless I do get beyond that.
The catch 22 that is ruining my life.
Because I can't stand up and say it's wrong for them to do so.
This is exactly the kind of post that should never be posted. It's too much to ask to dump the burden of all this crazy onto another person. Even in cyberspace.
And what right do I have to complain at all.
by the way.............
apparently, this is all on me.
not surprising really.
So what if it makes me feel really bitter, but Al does have a good point on the matter:
She never said she would hang out tonight. Just that she thought she might.
And if I didn't feel like dog shit before, realizing she's right about that, and that she's right about allllll the underlying implied statements there, too, brings that right back.
I was 100 percent like: Shit, I just assumed here, didn't I. I just pushed myself on her. She never said she actually wanted to spend time together tonight.
But now I don't think that's actually all accurate. She genuinely was just more interested in talking to her online chat friends tonight than doing our thing. Because she did say she was just going to pop in to say she wasn't going to be in their chat tonight because she was going to do our thing.
But instead, she came back to me and said, she was going to do chat, but if I wanted to wait for her to be done talking with them, then she'd spend some time with me.
I don't think that's the same thing at all. But w/e I did push her to want to hang out tonight when she said she didn't feel like talking to the other people. MY MISTAKE guys.
Seriously, though. I probably should have seen that coming. They are all still shiny and new, and they have trumped me every time so far, sooooo...
Brain freaks out and blah blah blah....long story short,
I completely feel like crawling back into my little hole for a couple weeks.
Not like it's any different anyhow.
But hey, probably this is the upswing. Feeling petty, angsty, and annoyed, and peeved, and upset, and taken for granted is a vast improvement, because all of those emotions require an underlying implication of self worth that is being crushed/ignored/trespassed/etc.
So, given that, probably, tomorrow I will be on even keel again. Embarrassed and appalled for not having been a better person to begin with.
I won't care about Al not wanting to talk on one of the few nights its even possible for us to talk anymore.
It was stupid to even ask, because it's been established for months now that Saturdays do not belong to me, and that was okay before, and it will be okay again in the future.
There will still be an issue in overcoming the part where for howeverlong my reptilian brain decides, in order to "protect" myself from such future events, I will default to assume that any plans, even "definite" ones, are not meant, and the phrase "so I wanted to talk to you" means "So I thought I might be bored but if something else comes along forget that previous statement" with the obvious exception of "I have something to get off my chest so we can talk, just please limit your side to 10 drama free minutes."
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo unfairly bitter. Me, that is.
I am a bad person/friend/companion/everything. So please pack your bags and leave now.
blah.
This is exactly the kind of stuff I try to keep locked up to fester for months at a time inside my brain. Because as helpful as it is for me to see it written out, analyze it, and start the process of rejecting it..............as useful as that is for me, I know the people who would see this can't help but judge me for it. Can't help but lower myself a notch in their estimation.
And I can't blame them at all.
And that's another notch I'll have to pull myself back up, slowly, painfully, and perhaps, unsuccessfully.
I never did have much upper body strength.
Al will read this some day and get pissed and dislike me for a time.
If Amanda reads this, that could be even worse. How obviously petty it must be to a third party observer, and I've given her a million reasons to walk away already. Been really worried that that's already happening.
And Marisa.......god. I don't think she reads this blog and that's a good thing. I don't think there's much I could do to be lower in her estimation. Not really as a person, she's so much better than that, but as someone she does not want in her daughters' lives. What a great escape, Kaleena! Good job! A plus plus.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over the fear of driving everyone in my life that I care about away. And I can't but plainly see that I'll never be worthy of that affection unless I do get beyond that.
The catch 22 that is ruining my life.
Because I can't stand up and say it's wrong for them to do so.
This is exactly the kind of post that should never be posted. It's too much to ask to dump the burden of all this crazy onto another person. Even in cyberspace.
And what right do I have to complain at all.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
crash
I knew it would come and it did.
But why did it have to be something so stupid, why do I have to be so stupid.
It's trivial and I can see that even as my chest is hurting.
And I don't understand why something so simple has to be the thing to make my throat close up.
Why couldn't my brain stick with the petty anger instead of making me cry.
issues. unfair mental associations.
I have them in spades.
I just hope it will leave as soon as it came on and I can get back to the smiles I had this afternoon.
What the fuck is wrong with my brain? Is there some preset quota? You're only allowed to laugh/smile/be hopeful x amount before something comes along and flips you completely over?
And ooooh am I good at that psycho analyzing shit, and I know my triggers and I know my brain chemistry.
But being able to rationally and calmly tell myself that I'm experiencing a sudden drop in serotonin set off by the lethal combination of mild physical exhaustion (not enough sleep and fighting off a cold) and the sudden shock of having a premeditated plan pulled out from under me doesn't at all stop it.
Because out of a lot of mental triggers, this one hits home hard and fast.
Making a plan with someone, looking forward to that plan, changing or avoiding making other plans in order to keep that first plan, and then..........the other person decides they'd rather not, for whatever reason.
It makes me feel more rejected, more lowly and unworthy, more overlooked and unappreciated than if the plan had never been made to begin with, if the person straight up said they'd rather not.
And, quite frankly, it instantly dredges up pretty awful memories. This is how friendships end. This is how people tell you "lawl, j/k, I *don't* actually like you." This is how it all starts. And my body knows that before my brain can step in and say "but this is different and trivial." Before my brain can stop it, my heart races and my chest *hurts*, and I'm crying without wanting to. Like a miniature anxiety attack.
Deep breathes, focusing, remembering (painful as that is), recognizing what this is, naming it, and about 40 mins to feel like dog shit stuck to the bottom of someone's shoe, and now I'm breathing a little better. I'm not crying now. My chest still hurts, but it will stop. Mind over matter. Fight or flight is unnecessary.
Allison and I will still be friends tomorrow. Even if Kaleena wasn't, even if Reggie wasn't, even if once upon a time, she wasn't either. This is not that, and brain stop holding the same standards.
It is sad how much my life is messed up because of things that've happened in the past. For someone like me, someone who is so needy, and who needs to be needed (or at least wanted), having had the shock of truly cherished relationships dissipate overnight......
I need to be stronger in myself. Although, I've pulled back in recent years, I don't think that's been accompanied by an increase in self reliance, but purely a preventative defense mechanism.
Hey, you, over there! Person I really care about. Guess what? *You* can't unexpectedly end this relationship because I'm going to withdraw first! And hey, it doesn't mean I don't want to be friends, but if you take it that way or get tired of trying, then I have something to blame it on.
I feel a bit better. At (fucking) twenty five years old, I finally understand my self destructive habits to call them as they happen.
Now if only I still have relationships left in another twenty years when I can, hopefully, *prevent* the negative reaction from occurring in the first place.
Because this sucks.
And I was having a good day.
But why did it have to be something so stupid, why do I have to be so stupid.
It's trivial and I can see that even as my chest is hurting.
And I don't understand why something so simple has to be the thing to make my throat close up.
Why couldn't my brain stick with the petty anger instead of making me cry.
issues. unfair mental associations.
I have them in spades.
I just hope it will leave as soon as it came on and I can get back to the smiles I had this afternoon.
What the fuck is wrong with my brain? Is there some preset quota? You're only allowed to laugh/smile/be hopeful x amount before something comes along and flips you completely over?
And ooooh am I good at that psycho analyzing shit, and I know my triggers and I know my brain chemistry.
But being able to rationally and calmly tell myself that I'm experiencing a sudden drop in serotonin set off by the lethal combination of mild physical exhaustion (not enough sleep and fighting off a cold) and the sudden shock of having a premeditated plan pulled out from under me doesn't at all stop it.
Because out of a lot of mental triggers, this one hits home hard and fast.
Making a plan with someone, looking forward to that plan, changing or avoiding making other plans in order to keep that first plan, and then..........the other person decides they'd rather not, for whatever reason.
It makes me feel more rejected, more lowly and unworthy, more overlooked and unappreciated than if the plan had never been made to begin with, if the person straight up said they'd rather not.
And, quite frankly, it instantly dredges up pretty awful memories. This is how friendships end. This is how people tell you "lawl, j/k, I *don't* actually like you." This is how it all starts. And my body knows that before my brain can step in and say "but this is different and trivial." Before my brain can stop it, my heart races and my chest *hurts*, and I'm crying without wanting to. Like a miniature anxiety attack.
Deep breathes, focusing, remembering (painful as that is), recognizing what this is, naming it, and about 40 mins to feel like dog shit stuck to the bottom of someone's shoe, and now I'm breathing a little better. I'm not crying now. My chest still hurts, but it will stop. Mind over matter. Fight or flight is unnecessary.
Allison and I will still be friends tomorrow. Even if Kaleena wasn't, even if Reggie wasn't, even if once upon a time, she wasn't either. This is not that, and brain stop holding the same standards.
It is sad how much my life is messed up because of things that've happened in the past. For someone like me, someone who is so needy, and who needs to be needed (or at least wanted), having had the shock of truly cherished relationships dissipate overnight......
I need to be stronger in myself. Although, I've pulled back in recent years, I don't think that's been accompanied by an increase in self reliance, but purely a preventative defense mechanism.
Hey, you, over there! Person I really care about. Guess what? *You* can't unexpectedly end this relationship because I'm going to withdraw first! And hey, it doesn't mean I don't want to be friends, but if you take it that way or get tired of trying, then I have something to blame it on.
I feel a bit better. At (fucking) twenty five years old, I finally understand my self destructive habits to call them as they happen.
Now if only I still have relationships left in another twenty years when I can, hopefully, *prevent* the negative reaction from occurring in the first place.
Because this sucks.
And I was having a good day.
Friday, April 1, 2011
The unveiling
G&V got the news today:
They're having a boy, aka, I'm having a nephew!
Although this slightly dampens my hopes of producing a next generation Sailor Moon aficionado, we shall see.
I guess this means, though, that I can indulge in my Batman and Ninja Turtles sides more readily.
And then we'll spring the magical girls in short skirts on him when he's a little older.
I'm very excited for the baby and, as adorable as little newbies are, I can't wait for it (old habit, I should now say "him") to get to an age of literary interest.
This child will learn to read, and love to read, and, hopefully, carry that through life.
If there's only one impression I can make on my future nephew, that would be the one I'd wish.
:)
They're having a boy, aka, I'm having a nephew!
Although this slightly dampens my hopes of producing a next generation Sailor Moon aficionado, we shall see.
I guess this means, though, that I can indulge in my Batman and Ninja Turtles sides more readily.
And then we'll spring the magical girls in short skirts on him when he's a little older.
I'm very excited for the baby and, as adorable as little newbies are, I can't wait for it (old habit, I should now say "him") to get to an age of literary interest.
This child will learn to read, and love to read, and, hopefully, carry that through life.
If there's only one impression I can make on my future nephew, that would be the one I'd wish.
:)
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