crash

I knew it would come and it did.

But why did it have to be something so stupid, why do I have to be so stupid.

It's trivial and I can see that even as my chest is hurting.
And I don't understand why something so simple has to be the thing to make my throat close up.
Why couldn't my brain stick with the petty anger instead of making me cry.

issues. unfair mental associations.

I have them in spades.

I just hope it will leave as soon as it came on and I can get back to the smiles I had this afternoon.

What the fuck is wrong with my brain? Is there some preset quota? You're only allowed to laugh/smile/be hopeful x amount before something comes along and flips you completely over?

And ooooh am I good at that psycho analyzing shit, and I know my triggers and I know my brain chemistry.

But being able to rationally and calmly tell myself that I'm experiencing a sudden drop in serotonin set off by the lethal combination of mild physical exhaustion (not enough sleep and fighting off a cold) and the sudden shock of having a premeditated plan pulled out from under me doesn't at all stop it.
Because out of a lot of mental triggers, this one hits home hard and fast.

Making a plan with someone, looking forward to that plan, changing or avoiding making other plans in order to keep that first plan, and then..........the other person decides they'd rather not, for whatever reason.
It makes me feel more rejected, more lowly and unworthy, more overlooked and unappreciated than if the plan had never been made to begin with, if the person straight up said they'd rather not.

And, quite frankly, it instantly dredges up pretty awful memories. This is how friendships end. This is how people tell you "lawl, j/k, I *don't* actually like you." This is how it all starts. And my body knows that before my brain can step in and say "but this is different and trivial." Before my brain can stop it, my heart races and my chest *hurts*, and I'm crying without wanting to. Like a miniature anxiety attack.

Deep breathes, focusing, remembering (painful as that is), recognizing what this is, naming it, and about 40 mins to feel like dog shit stuck to the bottom of someone's shoe, and now I'm breathing a little better. I'm not crying now. My chest still hurts, but it will stop. Mind over matter. Fight or flight is unnecessary.
Allison and I will still be friends tomorrow. Even if Kaleena wasn't, even if Reggie wasn't, even if once upon a time, she wasn't either. This is not that, and brain stop holding the same standards.

It is sad how much my life is messed up because of things that've happened in the past. For someone like me, someone who is so needy, and who needs to be needed (or at least wanted), having had the shock of truly cherished relationships dissipate overnight......
I need to be stronger in myself. Although, I've pulled back in recent years, I don't think that's been accompanied by an increase in self reliance, but purely a preventative defense mechanism.

Hey, you, over there! Person I really care about. Guess what? *You* can't unexpectedly end this relationship because I'm going to withdraw first! And hey, it doesn't mean I don't want to be friends, but if you take it that way or get tired of trying, then I have something to blame it on.

I feel a bit better. At (fucking) twenty five years old, I finally understand my self destructive habits to call them as they happen.
Now if only I still have relationships left in another twenty years when I can, hopefully, *prevent* the negative reaction from occurring in the first place.

Because this sucks.
And I was having a good day.