My grandma's emergency surgery went well and she has stints in.
The doc says she looks good and should recover well.
We were already planning on going to CA next weekend to see her and my aunt.
We might go this weekend.
I don't decide that stuff. We'd go a lot more often if I did.
But it is expensive and just because I have no social life to speak of - my brother and sis-in-law do.
And she was preg for a long time and too ill to do much of anything.
And now they've a little baby.
Blah blah blah.
There's no point to anything I'd say here now.
I feel relieved but with none of the rush of well-being that usually accompanies that word.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Deci - decimated - deciannual
What is it about 10 years?
I just got a call from Greg. Just before I was going to head to bed.
Grandma's having a heart attack right now.
Oh. Wow.
Something I didn't really hear about emergency surgery and Aunt Lynn updating him.
All I can think is
No
I have a lot of thoughts but
No
I'm not ready. Still. I'm still not ready.
Not for any of it.
Not to be an adult. Not to be without her. Without Mom. Maybe soon without Grandma. Maybe soon that much more alone. Without recourse.
I don't want her to die thinking I didn't love her or thinker her. Ibdont want her to think I'm less fond of her but I think she does. I'm very worried that she will die thinking so much less of my love. Of me.
And that that's who I am. And why shouldn't it be this way?
So close to 10 years since she lost her daughter. An she never really recovered.
Neither did I but is that an excuse?
Issues I've had for years. But is that an excuse?
Plans to make it up. I was drafting a letter in my head. An explination. Words where the void of action is large enough to swallow me whole and diminish me and my love to nothing.
And no way back from the void. No way to go so far alone.
And unable to sleep and sore and shocked and confused and crying
And I have no where to turn. No one to listen. No one to care that I haven't ruined already with bitters.
I deserve resentment and withdrawal. And I've what I've earned.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I was supposed to be better before the world tilted crazily again. I dont have my balance.
I'm not fixed. I'm still broken.
There's still so much to repair in the rundown thing of my self.
I was supposed to go away, to be gone within myself, huddled against the hurt. And when I was brave enough to emerge again, whole enough to really be again, I trusted that everything would be as it was.
That people would be were they were.
That love would be unblemished, undiminished.
The world should halt for grief.
Grief halts the world.
But it moves petulantly. Achingingly. Bruisingly. Shoving forward where I no wish, no hope, no me left to go.
No
Not ready.
I'm not ready to deal.
And I don't want to be alone at the end.
And I only have myself to blame that I most likely will be.
I just got a call from Greg. Just before I was going to head to bed.
Grandma's having a heart attack right now.
Oh. Wow.
Something I didn't really hear about emergency surgery and Aunt Lynn updating him.
All I can think is
No
I have a lot of thoughts but
No
I'm not ready. Still. I'm still not ready.
Not for any of it.
Not to be an adult. Not to be without her. Without Mom. Maybe soon without Grandma. Maybe soon that much more alone. Without recourse.
I don't want her to die thinking I didn't love her or thinker her. Ibdont want her to think I'm less fond of her but I think she does. I'm very worried that she will die thinking so much less of my love. Of me.
And that that's who I am. And why shouldn't it be this way?
So close to 10 years since she lost her daughter. An she never really recovered.
Neither did I but is that an excuse?
Issues I've had for years. But is that an excuse?
Plans to make it up. I was drafting a letter in my head. An explination. Words where the void of action is large enough to swallow me whole and diminish me and my love to nothing.
And no way back from the void. No way to go so far alone.
And unable to sleep and sore and shocked and confused and crying
And I have no where to turn. No one to listen. No one to care that I haven't ruined already with bitters.
I deserve resentment and withdrawal. And I've what I've earned.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I was supposed to be better before the world tilted crazily again. I dont have my balance.
I'm not fixed. I'm still broken.
There's still so much to repair in the rundown thing of my self.
I was supposed to go away, to be gone within myself, huddled against the hurt. And when I was brave enough to emerge again, whole enough to really be again, I trusted that everything would be as it was.
That people would be were they were.
That love would be unblemished, undiminished.
The world should halt for grief.
Grief halts the world.
But it moves petulantly. Achingingly. Bruisingly. Shoving forward where I no wish, no hope, no me left to go.
No
Not ready.
I'm not ready to deal.
And I don't want to be alone at the end.
And I only have myself to blame that I most likely will be.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
TRC: Part One: I'm tired of all these mf'ing snakes on this mf'ing plane!
Do not be fooled by the title of this segment.
There will be no such subject of interest, no such dramatic turn, no such internet fueled rocket to notority, no such famous black man.
Well....okay, you got me. There will be a reference to a famous black man. But none of the rest!
I have never flown US Airways before. It is not the preferred carrier of my company. It was, however, the only direct flight between Reno and Phoenix not solidly book a week and a half ahead of time.
Perhaps, that is some marketplace commentary of the last-resort nature of that particular airway.
For my part, the flight seemed more or less as any other, though I chose not to sign up for my free mileage membership....I assure you I will not be flying enough to need one.
What was different? The sheer number of characters on board. Did I say characters? Pardon me, I meant to say caricatures...they went beyond the bounds of normal limitation.
Probably the best character in the drama was one of the stewardesses...sorry, aren't we meant to call them flight attendants now? So she was so obviously OCD it was painful to watch.
She called out the boarding groups and would absolutely positively not let a single C go until she'd triple-checked that every last B had gone on. She's the only attendant I've ever seen actually send people out of the line to queue up against the reject wall.
And I'm not suggesting these were true line jumpers. Each time this happened and she kicked someone out of line, pointing to the wall, and would make announcements over the loud-speakers, there would actually be no one left or there would be only one person left from the previous boarding group.
Yes, I know, not preciously evidence of OCD right there. But how about when she almost had a meltdown when she realized two passengers had swapped seats.
I was witness to the swap. One gentlemen (k, not really but this guy gets his own paragraph and I didn't know better at the time) had already taken the middle seat next to his friend. When the man whose seat he'd taken came on board, he explained the situation and the man agreed to take the other seat, also a middle seat, just located about 4 rows back.
The flight attendant comes over, discovers this unpardonable treachery, and proceeds to hush-yell at everyone in the vicinity. She went on and on about it, turned to walk away, thought better of it, turned back and ranted some more. Then she did walk away and the Criminal Mastermind said "man, she was really trying to make me feel bad for something that ain't even wrong." To which his cohort replied "I feel like I'm back in basic training!"
(The two guys in question were Marines, if that makes a difference to you.) There was much speculation about her forcing them to swap seats before allowing take-off, but that didn't happen.
What did happen though was that she came back again and looked at all of us in the area (I avoided eye contact but the late-thirtyish-wishes-she-were-twenty-something-again to my left was caught by the Basilisk). "This isn't just me you know. This is a safety concern. This is a real issue! This is real! It's for safety. If the FAA, I mean, if the plane were to crash how would we know who's sitting where?! I mean, just think! If the plane crashes how will we know who's here if you've been switching seats!? It's real! It's a real problem!"
There were literal tears in her eyes and her voice was getting caught up. Absolutely no one responded to this display with even a head nod or sympathetic look, there were even some actual dropped jaws.
Realizing she was the only looney in the tune, she put her fists to her mouth, protested again, "It's a real safety issue", and left.
She mostly stayed in the first class compartment after that.
I understand the concept behind her point, however, I'd like to believe that in the event of a fiery crash to earth the FAA would use more forensics than my seat assignment to identify my charcoal remains.
Which gave me a million ideas for stories - how macabre.
But truth is stranger than fiction, and it reminded me of a news story I'd heard from years before about two girls in a bad car accident, one died and the other was in a coma, and they misidentified them. So, one girl was buried with the wrong name and the other girl was watched over in the hospital by the wrong family. Until when she woke up from her coma, they had her write her name and she wrote "Whitney" instead of "Laura."
(You can read a super long article of it here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23849928/ns/dateline_nbc-newsmakers/t/twist-fate/)
Other characters included a very loud, somewhat large, Texan, thick accent and ten-gallon hat included. He was probably in his late fifties and white. He alternated between very loudly proclaiming how cheap this airline was and poor in service (he was one of the sent to the wall for line-jumping people) and discussing politics. He made me smile though when he started on Obama and said, "I'd've voted fer him an' he was polka-dotted! Anyone would've been better after that Idiot! There needed to be a change af'er that idiot. Dumbest damn person (maybe pres'nt?) ever elected. And he a'int a true Texan, either! (Said almost with a gasp - the horror!)
But the thing about this guy was, although he appeared to be more or less directing his social commentary at a petite woman, perhaps 10 years his senior, the only way you'd know is that he was turned so the angle of his body included her in his realm. And, quite like a human typewriter, he'd glance down to be sure he maintained her undivided attention at the end of every phrase before hamming out his words straight ahead at everyone around for the rest. But she didn't appear to have prompted this discussion on either front, though perhaps that bit had happened before my arrival.
So, it was as though there were only two things in the world he cared for you to know, but he'd be damned if everone around him didn't know: 1. His ticket was purchased by a friend or he would never have countenanced such shabby treatment and 2. He was not, under any circumstances, a Republican. That last a phrase he said over and over as he walked down the main aisle of the plane to his seat: "Hell naw, I ain't no Republican. I swear. I am not a Republican."
There was also the very obnoxiously giddy middle eastern ditz boy with giant headphones around his neck and a laugh like a megaphone. He thought everything that happened was hilarious and had a piercing laugh that was 5x as loud as any other sound on the plane, engines included. He was probably stoned, he seemed the type.
Apparently, he also lost his boarding pass twice to the everlasting horror of OCD Attendant.
Reeling from the shock of someone daring to engage in mutually consenting adult seat swapping, she caught him standing in the middle of the aisle looking round laughing to himself. When she snapped at him to find his seat he said, "Well, you see, the thing is, I was hoping you could tell me which it was. I lost my thing."
To which she gasped, "Again?! How is it even possible to have lost it twice?!" She, having helped him replace his boarding pass when he'd got to the gate earlier. (Please note he had to have had it to get past security to get to the gate.)
He tried to protest, "No, the first time I hadn't lost it, I just didn't have it anymore." She was turning purple and told him to find a seat in the back, which made him laugh, then laugh even harder when he realized there were no seats in the back and so he'd have to sit in the front (near me, thanks.)
OCD Attendant came back checking for a "Martinez. M-a-r-t-i-n-e-z. Martinez." Annoying laughing guy was like, "Whut? Oh, me? That's me!" OCD: "Martinez?" very questioningly. Annoying guy: "What? Yeah. Well, wait. Maybe?" OCD: "sigh. What's your last name?" Annoying guy: "A-z-i-z" OCD: pause for a moment, "no." and turns away.
There was also awkward morbidly obese man. He sat back in his chair, in the waiting area, scanning over the array of people and making me feel like a jackass for looking in his general direction. To look near him without catching his eye was to be purposely avoiding him. To catch his eye was to be inappropriately staring. And, I am not saying that there's anything morally wrong with being fat, not really. I am a fat person. I am technically morbidly obese, or have been at least. I am sure that people have looked at me and wished I'd been sitting someplace else.
However, I just kept thinking how extraordinarily long and awkward the flight would be if I had to sit next to him. Or if I was him! Airplanes are the least amount of sitting space and you're sitting there for forever and there's very little to distract your mind from the sheer awkward of having one or more bodily appendages pressed squishily against your neighbor as the contact heat makes you sweat.
Perhaps it was just psychological projections day with him or my astute people reading insight, because based on his body language and attitude in the waiting area I'd say he knew preciously what people were speculating and almost dared them to it to force the uncomfortable self reflection. I mean the dude stretched out and put his arm on the seat backs of the people next to him. >.< And he talked in that tone of voice that I use a lot where you project and try to sound informed and/or too engaged in conversation to notice those around you because you're keenly aware of the extra eyes and ears on you at that moment (often easy to spot because the person you're speaking with actually isn't focused on what you're saying)....aka the sideways shuffle of shame down the way too narrow plane aisle because of courses you were given a middle seat in the way back.
My middle seat was actually in the front though. And as the girl who'd be to my right made eye contact with me as I approached, I smiled and she rolled her eyes and looked away. She was a stereotype of self-conscious fashionista (aka, not a beautiful face so she tries to make up for it with attitude and spent bank). She wore strappy sandals that wrapped around the ankle and lots of little rings, toe rings, and bangles - just one giant FU to anyone dumb enough to be caught behind her in the security line. She had an over-sized tote of an off-brand brand purse (not super high end but logo emblazoned on front). I'm not actually sure who the designer was as it just amusingly reminded me of petunia pickle bottom diaper bags (amusing for the diaper bag portion not the brand, which is often darling, if more than I'd spend).
She also didn't think the "turn off all electronics" applied to her as she listed to her ipod, wrote emails on her blackberry, and flipped through Sky Mall in a disenchanted manner. In fact, she only looked up from tapping her crossed much-tanned/tanner legs to gaze about her fellow passengers with the most fierce scowl of disapproval that could be managed without having to actually appear as though she cared or engaged with anything.
And then there were the couple of Marines sitting behind me. I was at first, as naturally an unattached straight young woman might be expected, intrigued by their presence. However, their many less desirable traits soon had me wishing them or myself to the back of the plane.
One would have guessed, based on the content of their unending chatter, that they merely wandered onto the flight by chance. They had to be at Ft. Somethingorother in Somecity, maybe-CA by 7pm that night. They didn't know where the base was, where the city was, if they had the names right, or even exactly how urgently they needed to be there. So they proceeded to question everyone around them as to this mysterious location and how long it would take to travel to various points in California. This was interspersed with their exclamations of how lost in Reno they were gonna get and how wasted (on marijuana and/or booze) while also they would have to leave as soon as wheels were on the ground to get to the base on time.
Example: Attendant (not OCD one, she was sequestered by this time) is taking drink orders. She asks "What can I get you gentlemen to drink?" thus interrupting some nostalgia exchange on getting high (like so damn high). Marine says: "Ma'am, how far is it by car to Ft. XYZ?" FA: "I'm not sure I've ever even heard of Ft. XYZ. Where is that?" M: "Ma'am, I was hoping you could tell me." FA: "You don't know?" M: "No, Ma'am. But we've got to be there tonight. Do you have any flights that direction?" FA: basically there are no more flights west from reno, she doesn't have internet to check it, but if they write down the name she'll ask the pilots "but what I can help you with is drinks. Do you want a drink?" They get some vodka and she goes to ask, pilots don't know either. They spend about 20 mins speculating that it might be south of San Diego. etc etc etc
All that would have been alright (aside from that they did not pause from talking for more than 2 minutes for the duration of the flight) but they were incredibly antsy, esp the one behind me, and kept kicking the chair, shuffling things around, taping, opening/closing the tray, etc etc worse than any child I've ever sat by. He also got up to get stuff or put stuff back from his bag in the overhead about 4/5 times. He had his hands and random junk in the back pocket and under the chair all the time and the seat was weirdly thin so it really felt like he was groping my ass the whole time.
But it made me smile to myself whenever they'd jostle Ms. Tewgudfer-u and she'd turn round and glare at them...to no effect or comment.
And! Of all damn things, the woman to my left knew where the city&base were located, how long to get there, and how but didn't actually turn round and tell them until 20 mins before landing. -_-
All this and more!
There were assorted minor supporting actors as well.
But, intrepid reader, there is no more time for the telling.
I have to get my butt out of bed by 5am tomorrow to be at work on time at 7.
I will try to continue my Reno non-adventures anon.
There will be no such subject of interest, no such dramatic turn, no such internet fueled rocket to notority, no such famous black man.
Well....okay, you got me. There will be a reference to a famous black man. But none of the rest!
I have never flown US Airways before. It is not the preferred carrier of my company. It was, however, the only direct flight between Reno and Phoenix not solidly book a week and a half ahead of time.
Perhaps, that is some marketplace commentary of the last-resort nature of that particular airway.
For my part, the flight seemed more or less as any other, though I chose not to sign up for my free mileage membership....I assure you I will not be flying enough to need one.
What was different? The sheer number of characters on board. Did I say characters? Pardon me, I meant to say caricatures...they went beyond the bounds of normal limitation.
Probably the best character in the drama was one of the stewardesses...sorry, aren't we meant to call them flight attendants now? So she was so obviously OCD it was painful to watch.
She called out the boarding groups and would absolutely positively not let a single C go until she'd triple-checked that every last B had gone on. She's the only attendant I've ever seen actually send people out of the line to queue up against the reject wall.
And I'm not suggesting these were true line jumpers. Each time this happened and she kicked someone out of line, pointing to the wall, and would make announcements over the loud-speakers, there would actually be no one left or there would be only one person left from the previous boarding group.
Yes, I know, not preciously evidence of OCD right there. But how about when she almost had a meltdown when she realized two passengers had swapped seats.
I was witness to the swap. One gentlemen (k, not really but this guy gets his own paragraph and I didn't know better at the time) had already taken the middle seat next to his friend. When the man whose seat he'd taken came on board, he explained the situation and the man agreed to take the other seat, also a middle seat, just located about 4 rows back.
The flight attendant comes over, discovers this unpardonable treachery, and proceeds to hush-yell at everyone in the vicinity. She went on and on about it, turned to walk away, thought better of it, turned back and ranted some more. Then she did walk away and the Criminal Mastermind said "man, she was really trying to make me feel bad for something that ain't even wrong." To which his cohort replied "I feel like I'm back in basic training!"
(The two guys in question were Marines, if that makes a difference to you.) There was much speculation about her forcing them to swap seats before allowing take-off, but that didn't happen.
What did happen though was that she came back again and looked at all of us in the area (I avoided eye contact but the late-thirtyish-wishes-she-were-twenty-something-again to my left was caught by the Basilisk). "This isn't just me you know. This is a safety concern. This is a real issue! This is real! It's for safety. If the FAA, I mean, if the plane were to crash how would we know who's sitting where?! I mean, just think! If the plane crashes how will we know who's here if you've been switching seats!? It's real! It's a real problem!"
There were literal tears in her eyes and her voice was getting caught up. Absolutely no one responded to this display with even a head nod or sympathetic look, there were even some actual dropped jaws.
Realizing she was the only looney in the tune, she put her fists to her mouth, protested again, "It's a real safety issue", and left.
She mostly stayed in the first class compartment after that.
I understand the concept behind her point, however, I'd like to believe that in the event of a fiery crash to earth the FAA would use more forensics than my seat assignment to identify my charcoal remains.
Which gave me a million ideas for stories - how macabre.
But truth is stranger than fiction, and it reminded me of a news story I'd heard from years before about two girls in a bad car accident, one died and the other was in a coma, and they misidentified them. So, one girl was buried with the wrong name and the other girl was watched over in the hospital by the wrong family. Until when she woke up from her coma, they had her write her name and she wrote "Whitney" instead of "Laura."
(You can read a super long article of it here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23849928/ns/dateline_nbc-newsmakers/t/twist-fate/)
Other characters included a very loud, somewhat large, Texan, thick accent and ten-gallon hat included. He was probably in his late fifties and white. He alternated between very loudly proclaiming how cheap this airline was and poor in service (he was one of the sent to the wall for line-jumping people) and discussing politics. He made me smile though when he started on Obama and said, "I'd've voted fer him an' he was polka-dotted! Anyone would've been better after that Idiot! There needed to be a change af'er that idiot. Dumbest damn person (maybe pres'nt?) ever elected. And he a'int a true Texan, either! (Said almost with a gasp - the horror!)
But the thing about this guy was, although he appeared to be more or less directing his social commentary at a petite woman, perhaps 10 years his senior, the only way you'd know is that he was turned so the angle of his body included her in his realm. And, quite like a human typewriter, he'd glance down to be sure he maintained her undivided attention at the end of every phrase before hamming out his words straight ahead at everyone around for the rest. But she didn't appear to have prompted this discussion on either front, though perhaps that bit had happened before my arrival.
So, it was as though there were only two things in the world he cared for you to know, but he'd be damned if everone around him didn't know: 1. His ticket was purchased by a friend or he would never have countenanced such shabby treatment and 2. He was not, under any circumstances, a Republican. That last a phrase he said over and over as he walked down the main aisle of the plane to his seat: "Hell naw, I ain't no Republican. I swear. I am not a Republican."
There was also the very obnoxiously giddy middle eastern ditz boy with giant headphones around his neck and a laugh like a megaphone. He thought everything that happened was hilarious and had a piercing laugh that was 5x as loud as any other sound on the plane, engines included. He was probably stoned, he seemed the type.
Apparently, he also lost his boarding pass twice to the everlasting horror of OCD Attendant.
Reeling from the shock of someone daring to engage in mutually consenting adult seat swapping, she caught him standing in the middle of the aisle looking round laughing to himself. When she snapped at him to find his seat he said, "Well, you see, the thing is, I was hoping you could tell me which it was. I lost my thing."
To which she gasped, "Again?! How is it even possible to have lost it twice?!" She, having helped him replace his boarding pass when he'd got to the gate earlier. (Please note he had to have had it to get past security to get to the gate.)
He tried to protest, "No, the first time I hadn't lost it, I just didn't have it anymore." She was turning purple and told him to find a seat in the back, which made him laugh, then laugh even harder when he realized there were no seats in the back and so he'd have to sit in the front (near me, thanks.)
OCD Attendant came back checking for a "Martinez. M-a-r-t-i-n-e-z. Martinez." Annoying laughing guy was like, "Whut? Oh, me? That's me!" OCD: "Martinez?" very questioningly. Annoying guy: "What? Yeah. Well, wait. Maybe?" OCD: "sigh. What's your last name?" Annoying guy: "A-z-i-z" OCD: pause for a moment, "no." and turns away.
There was also awkward morbidly obese man. He sat back in his chair, in the waiting area, scanning over the array of people and making me feel like a jackass for looking in his general direction. To look near him without catching his eye was to be purposely avoiding him. To catch his eye was to be inappropriately staring. And, I am not saying that there's anything morally wrong with being fat, not really. I am a fat person. I am technically morbidly obese, or have been at least. I am sure that people have looked at me and wished I'd been sitting someplace else.
However, I just kept thinking how extraordinarily long and awkward the flight would be if I had to sit next to him. Or if I was him! Airplanes are the least amount of sitting space and you're sitting there for forever and there's very little to distract your mind from the sheer awkward of having one or more bodily appendages pressed squishily against your neighbor as the contact heat makes you sweat.
Perhaps it was just psychological projections day with him or my astute people reading insight, because based on his body language and attitude in the waiting area I'd say he knew preciously what people were speculating and almost dared them to it to force the uncomfortable self reflection. I mean the dude stretched out and put his arm on the seat backs of the people next to him. >.< And he talked in that tone of voice that I use a lot where you project and try to sound informed and/or too engaged in conversation to notice those around you because you're keenly aware of the extra eyes and ears on you at that moment (often easy to spot because the person you're speaking with actually isn't focused on what you're saying)....aka the sideways shuffle of shame down the way too narrow plane aisle because of courses you were given a middle seat in the way back.
My middle seat was actually in the front though. And as the girl who'd be to my right made eye contact with me as I approached, I smiled and she rolled her eyes and looked away. She was a stereotype of self-conscious fashionista (aka, not a beautiful face so she tries to make up for it with attitude and spent bank). She wore strappy sandals that wrapped around the ankle and lots of little rings, toe rings, and bangles - just one giant FU to anyone dumb enough to be caught behind her in the security line. She had an over-sized tote of an off-brand brand purse (not super high end but logo emblazoned on front). I'm not actually sure who the designer was as it just amusingly reminded me of petunia pickle bottom diaper bags (amusing for the diaper bag portion not the brand, which is often darling, if more than I'd spend).
She also didn't think the "turn off all electronics" applied to her as she listed to her ipod, wrote emails on her blackberry, and flipped through Sky Mall in a disenchanted manner. In fact, she only looked up from tapping her crossed much-tanned/tanner legs to gaze about her fellow passengers with the most fierce scowl of disapproval that could be managed without having to actually appear as though she cared or engaged with anything.
And then there were the couple of Marines sitting behind me. I was at first, as naturally an unattached straight young woman might be expected, intrigued by their presence. However, their many less desirable traits soon had me wishing them or myself to the back of the plane.
One would have guessed, based on the content of their unending chatter, that they merely wandered onto the flight by chance. They had to be at Ft. Somethingorother in Somecity, maybe-CA by 7pm that night. They didn't know where the base was, where the city was, if they had the names right, or even exactly how urgently they needed to be there. So they proceeded to question everyone around them as to this mysterious location and how long it would take to travel to various points in California. This was interspersed with their exclamations of how lost in Reno they were gonna get and how wasted (on marijuana and/or booze) while also they would have to leave as soon as wheels were on the ground to get to the base on time.
Example: Attendant (not OCD one, she was sequestered by this time) is taking drink orders. She asks "What can I get you gentlemen to drink?" thus interrupting some nostalgia exchange on getting high (like so damn high). Marine says: "Ma'am, how far is it by car to Ft. XYZ?" FA: "I'm not sure I've ever even heard of Ft. XYZ. Where is that?" M: "Ma'am, I was hoping you could tell me." FA: "You don't know?" M: "No, Ma'am. But we've got to be there tonight. Do you have any flights that direction?" FA: basically there are no more flights west from reno, she doesn't have internet to check it, but if they write down the name she'll ask the pilots "but what I can help you with is drinks. Do you want a drink?" They get some vodka and she goes to ask, pilots don't know either. They spend about 20 mins speculating that it might be south of San Diego. etc etc etc
All that would have been alright (aside from that they did not pause from talking for more than 2 minutes for the duration of the flight) but they were incredibly antsy, esp the one behind me, and kept kicking the chair, shuffling things around, taping, opening/closing the tray, etc etc worse than any child I've ever sat by. He also got up to get stuff or put stuff back from his bag in the overhead about 4/5 times. He had his hands and random junk in the back pocket and under the chair all the time and the seat was weirdly thin so it really felt like he was groping my ass the whole time.
But it made me smile to myself whenever they'd jostle Ms. Tewgudfer-u and she'd turn round and glare at them...to no effect or comment.
And! Of all damn things, the woman to my left knew where the city&base were located, how long to get there, and how but didn't actually turn round and tell them until 20 mins before landing. -_-
All this and more!
There were assorted minor supporting actors as well.
But, intrepid reader, there is no more time for the telling.
I have to get my butt out of bed by 5am tomorrow to be at work on time at 7.
I will try to continue my Reno non-adventures anon.
The Reno Chronicles: Part The Overly Verbose Intro
So, a lot of my excuse as to why I don't update my blog more often is that there really isn't much of interest in my day-to-day life.
That and I come home and zombie out on the internet/fav tv shows and/or become instantly distracted by the preperation & consumption of food and my gray matter never sees fit to return to the concept.
So here I find myself, in Reno, with a laptop not my own (read work loaner> read they can track my every site> read even my StumbleUpon settings could produce disastrous results>read, wait, no, I think you've got the point by now) and nothing but time to kill until work wake-up at 5 am tomorrow.
Plus, I technically have something of interest to say. Or more interest than the usual, that is. Or rather, of *potentially* more interest than the usual. Which is to say, more of a general interest. Which implies it'd be of more interest to a broad readership base. Well, I have a narrow base and therefore they would perhaps be more interested in seeming trifles but of a very specific nature. But on the other hand, even my extrodinarily narrow base prob isn't checking in here. Leaving myself as the sole audience. I was more amused than usual by contemplating the events yet to unfold before you.
Therefore, using the powers of convoluted thinking and bass-akwards logic, this bog post should resonate with 100% of all readers and be rated as significantly more interesting than the norm.
Huzzah. Huzzah, Ladies and Gentlemen. Hu-freakin'-Zah! (Which is what I literally repeated aloud over and over in my rental car as I turned into the Self Park structure after work today...but that is a further segment than this one.)
So lets see how far I can get in recounting of my affairs thus far in the Oxymoron city.
That and I come home and zombie out on the internet/fav tv shows and/or become instantly distracted by the preperation & consumption of food and my gray matter never sees fit to return to the concept.
So here I find myself, in Reno, with a laptop not my own (read work loaner> read they can track my every site> read even my StumbleUpon settings could produce disastrous results>read, wait, no, I think you've got the point by now) and nothing but time to kill until work wake-up at 5 am tomorrow.
Plus, I technically have something of interest to say. Or more interest than the usual, that is. Or rather, of *potentially* more interest than the usual. Which is to say, more of a general interest. Which implies it'd be of more interest to a broad readership base. Well, I have a narrow base and therefore they would perhaps be more interested in seeming trifles but of a very specific nature. But on the other hand, even my extrodinarily narrow base prob isn't checking in here. Leaving myself as the sole audience. I was more amused than usual by contemplating the events yet to unfold before you.
Therefore, using the powers of convoluted thinking and bass-akwards logic, this bog post should resonate with 100% of all readers and be rated as significantly more interesting than the norm.
Huzzah. Huzzah, Ladies and Gentlemen. Hu-freakin'-Zah! (Which is what I literally repeated aloud over and over in my rental car as I turned into the Self Park structure after work today...but that is a further segment than this one.)
So lets see how far I can get in recounting of my affairs thus far in the Oxymoron city.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
A good day :D
ENOUGH WITH THE F*KING DRAMA ALREADY
I'm totally exhausted.
And today was a good day. Let me tell you about the good day I had. :)
So, first things, first. I weight myself every single morning (I've forgotten a few times but hey, darn near perfect for four months or something). I gained a little weight today from yesterday, but yesterday I hit a new all-time low since I started tracking my weight loss.
So as of today I've officially lost 45.6 lbs since I started. I've had a major plateau for the last month, solid, so losing weight again is definitely a relief.
To be really fair though, I haven't tracked my food (and thus my calorie intake) for a couple months, so it's not surprising that I was plateauing when I didn't (still don't) have any concept of how close or far off my calorie goal I've been going.
I've almost lost all the weight I gained since moving to Phoenix. (I have old pants still, and I can button and zip them but it's uncomfortable and very unflattering - talk about your muffin top!
So, anyway, I've been thinking about trying to get back in the habit of logging my food stuff again. (I guess it doesn't matter after all that out of 5 people who started using losit along with me, exactly 0 of them still log. Though that does make it more interesting in it's way.)
Ok, so, went to Grandma and Grandpa's house for Mah Jong, which is always fun. Vanessa spotted me $4 (she did last week too) so when I inevitably lost it all to her, there was no bad feeling because it was hers to begin with. (She cleaned us all out! She won nearly $6! Considering we all start with $4 that means she took half everybody's money on average).
The Mah Jong league updates the card every year, too, so today was the first day we played with the new card. Kinda fun to start looking for new groupings and hands to make. It definitely gets much much easier the more you play.
Grandpa made me several of his utterly delicious cheese sandwiches. His are literally the best of anyones anywhere of anytime. They are sooooo yumtastic.
Found out one of my aunts does the Mary Kay thing, which is cool because the best base I've ever found for matching my skin tone is through them, and you have to order through a sales rep specifically, you can't order generally off the web site. So I haven't gotten any more. But obviously, it's no big deal if it's my aunt, and also it's cool that it'd be supporting her. So I may get myself some new makeup here sometime.
Greg and Vanessa and I went to Freddy's which was awesome. They have the most delicious steakburgers ever. Sooooooo good (I know pretty much everyone I know is a vegetarian now, but anyhow, these were soooo good.) I can't remember the last time I had a burger before this and I used to eat them all the time. So I guess, yeah for me, for making marginally healthier eating choices!
(I almost always have a turkey sandwich or a salad for breakfast/dinner & lunch/midnight snack and I've often been having an egg bagel thing for dinner/breakfast ) To read that the first item is what the meal is to me and the second is what it would be to a daylight person.
But the best thing about Freddy's is the frozen custard. That is sooooo delicious. I used to have frozen custard when we lived in the midwest. I'm telling you, it is sooo much creamier and smoother than ice cream, once you have custard it will always be emblazoned in your brain as the best form of frozen dairy product ever. YUM!
I'm sure I will have gained at least 2 lbs tomorrow because of today's expedition, but that's ok. "2 lbs, well worth it." (Original quote: "2 minutes, well worth it." can you name that source? That quote pops up in my head all the time, and the Icelandic accent with it. I wonder if the accent was at all accurate, actually.)
I soooo need to go grocery shopping, by the way. Because it's a million times cheaper to make your own eggs n toast/bagel than it is to buy it. And then I could finally avoid buying myself hot chocolate all the time, too. Which I'm sure is milllions of calories and sugar and also $$.
Anyway, I was excited because G&V were talking about baby names and they included me in the conversation and even listened to my opinions on the matter. Now, obviously, I do not expect nor should/will I receive final cut on the subject, but I was allowed to influence and persuade.
It was cool that their boys name actually isn't pinned down like we all thought it was going to be. They had ONE girls name agreed on and set in stone, but they've got like 20 or so different names on boys name list and pretty much all of them are ones I like. :)
Plus name etymology has always been really fun to me. :)
When we got back to G&V's place they invited me to come inside and hang out longer, which is cool, because it doesn't always happen. Sometimes they're just like, "Ok, tired. bye." or whatever. But I said I'd better leave them be and get home (because it was about an hour until Al was supposed to be off work and I knew if I hung out with G&V I'd be there for hours.)
Oh, yesterday I watched Inception and it was really good. I very much liked it, it was a right up my ally kind of movie. And it had some good actors in it. Plus Chris Nolan = best Batman movies ever made so, you gotta love and support the man.
Ok, well, there was a lot I was going to do tonight that I just didn't get done in the face of all that dramaramalama. Silly silly silly.
Will do it another time or not at all, I suppose. :)
I'm totally exhausted.
And today was a good day. Let me tell you about the good day I had. :)
So, first things, first. I weight myself every single morning (I've forgotten a few times but hey, darn near perfect for four months or something). I gained a little weight today from yesterday, but yesterday I hit a new all-time low since I started tracking my weight loss.
So as of today I've officially lost 45.6 lbs since I started. I've had a major plateau for the last month, solid, so losing weight again is definitely a relief.
To be really fair though, I haven't tracked my food (and thus my calorie intake) for a couple months, so it's not surprising that I was plateauing when I didn't (still don't) have any concept of how close or far off my calorie goal I've been going.
I've almost lost all the weight I gained since moving to Phoenix. (I have old pants still, and I can button and zip them but it's uncomfortable and very unflattering - talk about your muffin top!
So, anyway, I've been thinking about trying to get back in the habit of logging my food stuff again. (I guess it doesn't matter after all that out of 5 people who started using losit along with me, exactly 0 of them still log. Though that does make it more interesting in it's way.)
Ok, so, went to Grandma and Grandpa's house for Mah Jong, which is always fun. Vanessa spotted me $4 (she did last week too) so when I inevitably lost it all to her, there was no bad feeling because it was hers to begin with. (She cleaned us all out! She won nearly $6! Considering we all start with $4 that means she took half everybody's money on average).
The Mah Jong league updates the card every year, too, so today was the first day we played with the new card. Kinda fun to start looking for new groupings and hands to make. It definitely gets much much easier the more you play.
Grandpa made me several of his utterly delicious cheese sandwiches. His are literally the best of anyones anywhere of anytime. They are sooooo yumtastic.
Found out one of my aunts does the Mary Kay thing, which is cool because the best base I've ever found for matching my skin tone is through them, and you have to order through a sales rep specifically, you can't order generally off the web site. So I haven't gotten any more. But obviously, it's no big deal if it's my aunt, and also it's cool that it'd be supporting her. So I may get myself some new makeup here sometime.
Greg and Vanessa and I went to Freddy's which was awesome. They have the most delicious steakburgers ever. Sooooooo good (I know pretty much everyone I know is a vegetarian now, but anyhow, these were soooo good.) I can't remember the last time I had a burger before this and I used to eat them all the time. So I guess, yeah for me, for making marginally healthier eating choices!
(I almost always have a turkey sandwich or a salad for breakfast/dinner & lunch/midnight snack and I've often been having an egg bagel thing for dinner/breakfast ) To read that the first item is what the meal is to me and the second is what it would be to a daylight person.
But the best thing about Freddy's is the frozen custard. That is sooooo delicious. I used to have frozen custard when we lived in the midwest. I'm telling you, it is sooo much creamier and smoother than ice cream, once you have custard it will always be emblazoned in your brain as the best form of frozen dairy product ever. YUM!
I'm sure I will have gained at least 2 lbs tomorrow because of today's expedition, but that's ok. "2 lbs, well worth it." (Original quote: "2 minutes, well worth it." can you name that source? That quote pops up in my head all the time, and the Icelandic accent with it. I wonder if the accent was at all accurate, actually.)
I soooo need to go grocery shopping, by the way. Because it's a million times cheaper to make your own eggs n toast/bagel than it is to buy it. And then I could finally avoid buying myself hot chocolate all the time, too. Which I'm sure is milllions of calories and sugar and also $$.
Anyway, I was excited because G&V were talking about baby names and they included me in the conversation and even listened to my opinions on the matter. Now, obviously, I do not expect nor should/will I receive final cut on the subject, but I was allowed to influence and persuade.
It was cool that their boys name actually isn't pinned down like we all thought it was going to be. They had ONE girls name agreed on and set in stone, but they've got like 20 or so different names on boys name list and pretty much all of them are ones I like. :)
Plus name etymology has always been really fun to me. :)
When we got back to G&V's place they invited me to come inside and hang out longer, which is cool, because it doesn't always happen. Sometimes they're just like, "Ok, tired. bye." or whatever. But I said I'd better leave them be and get home (because it was about an hour until Al was supposed to be off work and I knew if I hung out with G&V I'd be there for hours.)
Oh, yesterday I watched Inception and it was really good. I very much liked it, it was a right up my ally kind of movie. And it had some good actors in it. Plus Chris Nolan = best Batman movies ever made so, you gotta love and support the man.
Ok, well, there was a lot I was going to do tonight that I just didn't get done in the face of all that dramaramalama. Silly silly silly.
Will do it another time or not at all, I suppose. :)
blarg
Mergablergamerg.
I don't want to have to go back to work when I wake up. :(
There's been tooooooonnnns of drama lately and 90% of it has been specifically directed at me.
Makes an already physically exhausting and painful job just that much more fun to deal with, yippee.
There was so much drama, just on Wednesday night, that one of my co-workers felt the need to call me on Thursday just to vent for almost 3 hours about how bad it all is. This is a person who, even though she's had my phone number for literally months now, has never more than texted me on important work related subjects before. But it got her so riled up that she had to vent for almost 3 hours.
She thinks the other people who are regularly in the Prep department are intentionally "sabotaging" me. >.<
She's not exactly wrong, either. They've been giant baby brats in the last couple of weeks and alternately being snippy with me and then refusing to acknowledge my existence when I'm standing right the hell in front of them.
I do the Prep recorder position (I know that means nothing to you), but it's kinda crap and also kinda a position of authority, or at least, it has become one. Anyhow, before I came into the Prep department there, no one would do the recorder position for a whole shift because they all hate it so much.
...............I do it every single day for all 10 hours of the shift, and I don't take unnecessary breaks or wander off to dick around or talk with my friends or take mysterious 45 min bathroom breaks like these other girls do.
And I've always been very polite with them and basically let them do their own thing and although the constant talking and break taking drives me bonkers this is one of those tight knit clique things that you will always be on the outside of and we can make it easy for you or we can make it hell for you, which will it be. Do you know the type?
And last week one of the girls who was helping to prep record at another station, comes over and asks me if I can speed up because she's exhausted from prep recording (she'd been doing it for 4 hours at that point.) I smiled at her and said "Okay, but I have been finishing pallets at the same rate as you." To which she sneered at me said "I don't think so," turned around, walked off, and got one of her friends from the little clique to "help her" prep record for the rest of the night, both of them talking about me to each other and the other people in prep and yet refusing to make eye contact with me or speak to me for the rest of the 6 hour shift.
And I know I actually was keeping rate with her, because it's my effing job to track how many pallets get done. -_-
That was a mild night. Wednesday was something completely else. Like nonstop drama from start to finish. Nonstop bitchiness from start to finish. Breaking Prep rules specifically just to give me (and the other people in prep who are not part of their group and therefore like me) a hard time.
Basically, there's no PA (assistant manager type role) that is in charge of Prep right now and the managers have asked me to pick up the slack there and pseudo manage. So I keep track of the inventory (pallets in, pallets out) and I monitor the rate (it's a collective rate) and I give feedback on the rate, telling the group what percentage we're at. They also want me to assign the Prep members to the individual tasks (there's basically 3 tasks, recorder, regular prep-er, and prep receiver). So, they gave me more responsibility with no authority except bitchiness behind it, and I don't like being a bitch.
They are forcing my hand in the bitchiness department. Basically, they're annoyed that the managers chose me to have this fake authority role (probably because I actually expect everyone to work at work and not stand around doing nothing for half an hour while every one has to pick up their slack) and definitely because they view me as an outsider. I did prep on the TFC1 side of the building, but when they combined the two sides, they moved everyone from TFC1 over to PHX6, and since they'd been working in that area the whole time they viewed it as "their area" and that all of us were "new" or less experienced, even though some of us have actually worked for Amazon longer.
So basically, this group of girls, there's about 5 of them, but 2 of them are the real ringleaders, are looking for an excuse to get me thrown out of the Prep area so they can go back to bossing everyone around like they used to before I got there.
The only thing I have going on my side in this situation is that the managers know me well enough (I hope!) to know I don't mess around at work and that I don't ever abuse my fake authority.
I have to work with these people 40 hrs a week. I try to be polite and even so far as kind. One of the girls who's leading the bitchiness revolution hates receiving but she's one of the few with permission to do it. Instead of flat out telling her she has to do it (which I could, my fake authority extends so far) I tell her "I'm putting you in charge of getting a prep receiver, so please find someone who can do it for you, or do it for yourself."
And she sneers at me, walks away, doesn't do what I asked for 15 minutes (our group rate is dropping 30%, this whole time, which hurt everyone) until the manager comes over and asks me why we don't have another prep receiver. I tell him I asked Vivian to either find a receiver or to do it herself and she hasn't yet, but I'll follow up with her. He asked me: "She didn't want to do it?" "No." "Oh, okay." and he walks away.
After that Vivian got one of her cohorts to receive for her....the other ringleader of Bitch, who also happens to be several months pregnant. Great job, making your pregnant friend do the job where you have to lift heavy things and move fast.
Blah blah blah, there's soooooooooooooooooooooooo much drama that happens there. This is just the tip of the huuuuuge bobbing iceberg.
I want them to stop being bitches, I want to not have to be a bitch in turn (though I will if it comes to that and the Managers are willing to back up that what I say goes), and I do hope that the Managers are aware enough of the crap that's going on to be willing to say something like that.
I haven't tried pushing my luck on the issue, because I'm worried that the managers will just blindly punish everyone for the drama, including myself, when I haven't done anything to provoke it. Or (in it's own way just as bad) that the managers will back me up and help take care of it, but will also lose respect for my ability to handle the situation there.
Not a great perception for them to have of me if I ever want to get a Tier 3 job. :\
But, though the issue has been getting progressively worse for several weeks, I have not pushed it, but the coworker who was upset about what happened enough to need to vent to me, she says she wants to talk to the managers tomorrow (today when I wake up).
This could be an opportunity to fix the issue.
Or nothing will change from the managers' perspective and the drama will increase tenfold when the bitch clique think I'm sending people to "tattle" on them behind their backs.
And, yes, I know about all that HR bullshit about working conditions and hostility and all that. But the fact of the matter is, I've never seen anyone use that process to resolve an issue without it reflecting back on them in negative ways. (Even though, yes, I know that's also against the rules. But people develop perceptions and it's not against the rules to turn down an otherwise qualified applicant in favor of another qualified applicant because you felt one would be "a better fit with the team". And it's not against the rules to make that sort of judgement call, every time.)
And I don't know the managers and the process enough to know if they're the type to honor it or to brush it aside in annoyance.
blllaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
I was trying to post something that wasn't a stupid, pointless, self-pitying rant that I will regret in a week.
:| I'm not so sure I succeeded on that front.
Instead, for entirely different tone, you should read the posts I made on my other (very much currently neglected) blog.
I need to write more drabbles or have literary related things to say so I post there more often.
Or maybe I need to broaden the scope of the blog.
I don't want to have to go back to work when I wake up. :(
There's been tooooooonnnns of drama lately and 90% of it has been specifically directed at me.
Makes an already physically exhausting and painful job just that much more fun to deal with, yippee.
There was so much drama, just on Wednesday night, that one of my co-workers felt the need to call me on Thursday just to vent for almost 3 hours about how bad it all is. This is a person who, even though she's had my phone number for literally months now, has never more than texted me on important work related subjects before. But it got her so riled up that she had to vent for almost 3 hours.
She thinks the other people who are regularly in the Prep department are intentionally "sabotaging" me. >.<
She's not exactly wrong, either. They've been giant baby brats in the last couple of weeks and alternately being snippy with me and then refusing to acknowledge my existence when I'm standing right the hell in front of them.
I do the Prep recorder position (I know that means nothing to you), but it's kinda crap and also kinda a position of authority, or at least, it has become one. Anyhow, before I came into the Prep department there, no one would do the recorder position for a whole shift because they all hate it so much.
...............I do it every single day for all 10 hours of the shift, and I don't take unnecessary breaks or wander off to dick around or talk with my friends or take mysterious 45 min bathroom breaks like these other girls do.
And I've always been very polite with them and basically let them do their own thing and although the constant talking and break taking drives me bonkers this is one of those tight knit clique things that you will always be on the outside of and we can make it easy for you or we can make it hell for you, which will it be. Do you know the type?
And last week one of the girls who was helping to prep record at another station, comes over and asks me if I can speed up because she's exhausted from prep recording (she'd been doing it for 4 hours at that point.) I smiled at her and said "Okay, but I have been finishing pallets at the same rate as you." To which she sneered at me said "I don't think so," turned around, walked off, and got one of her friends from the little clique to "help her" prep record for the rest of the night, both of them talking about me to each other and the other people in prep and yet refusing to make eye contact with me or speak to me for the rest of the 6 hour shift.
And I know I actually was keeping rate with her, because it's my effing job to track how many pallets get done. -_-
That was a mild night. Wednesday was something completely else. Like nonstop drama from start to finish. Nonstop bitchiness from start to finish. Breaking Prep rules specifically just to give me (and the other people in prep who are not part of their group and therefore like me) a hard time.
Basically, there's no PA (assistant manager type role) that is in charge of Prep right now and the managers have asked me to pick up the slack there and pseudo manage. So I keep track of the inventory (pallets in, pallets out) and I monitor the rate (it's a collective rate) and I give feedback on the rate, telling the group what percentage we're at. They also want me to assign the Prep members to the individual tasks (there's basically 3 tasks, recorder, regular prep-er, and prep receiver). So, they gave me more responsibility with no authority except bitchiness behind it, and I don't like being a bitch.
They are forcing my hand in the bitchiness department. Basically, they're annoyed that the managers chose me to have this fake authority role (probably because I actually expect everyone to work at work and not stand around doing nothing for half an hour while every one has to pick up their slack) and definitely because they view me as an outsider. I did prep on the TFC1 side of the building, but when they combined the two sides, they moved everyone from TFC1 over to PHX6, and since they'd been working in that area the whole time they viewed it as "their area" and that all of us were "new" or less experienced, even though some of us have actually worked for Amazon longer.
So basically, this group of girls, there's about 5 of them, but 2 of them are the real ringleaders, are looking for an excuse to get me thrown out of the Prep area so they can go back to bossing everyone around like they used to before I got there.
The only thing I have going on my side in this situation is that the managers know me well enough (I hope!) to know I don't mess around at work and that I don't ever abuse my fake authority.
I have to work with these people 40 hrs a week. I try to be polite and even so far as kind. One of the girls who's leading the bitchiness revolution hates receiving but she's one of the few with permission to do it. Instead of flat out telling her she has to do it (which I could, my fake authority extends so far) I tell her "I'm putting you in charge of getting a prep receiver, so please find someone who can do it for you, or do it for yourself."
And she sneers at me, walks away, doesn't do what I asked for 15 minutes (our group rate is dropping 30%, this whole time, which hurt everyone) until the manager comes over and asks me why we don't have another prep receiver. I tell him I asked Vivian to either find a receiver or to do it herself and she hasn't yet, but I'll follow up with her. He asked me: "She didn't want to do it?" "No." "Oh, okay." and he walks away.
After that Vivian got one of her cohorts to receive for her....the other ringleader of Bitch, who also happens to be several months pregnant. Great job, making your pregnant friend do the job where you have to lift heavy things and move fast.
Blah blah blah, there's soooooooooooooooooooooooo much drama that happens there. This is just the tip of the huuuuuge bobbing iceberg.
I want them to stop being bitches, I want to not have to be a bitch in turn (though I will if it comes to that and the Managers are willing to back up that what I say goes), and I do hope that the Managers are aware enough of the crap that's going on to be willing to say something like that.
I haven't tried pushing my luck on the issue, because I'm worried that the managers will just blindly punish everyone for the drama, including myself, when I haven't done anything to provoke it. Or (in it's own way just as bad) that the managers will back me up and help take care of it, but will also lose respect for my ability to handle the situation there.
Not a great perception for them to have of me if I ever want to get a Tier 3 job. :\
But, though the issue has been getting progressively worse for several weeks, I have not pushed it, but the coworker who was upset about what happened enough to need to vent to me, she says she wants to talk to the managers tomorrow (today when I wake up).
This could be an opportunity to fix the issue.
Or nothing will change from the managers' perspective and the drama will increase tenfold when the bitch clique think I'm sending people to "tattle" on them behind their backs.
And, yes, I know about all that HR bullshit about working conditions and hostility and all that. But the fact of the matter is, I've never seen anyone use that process to resolve an issue without it reflecting back on them in negative ways. (Even though, yes, I know that's also against the rules. But people develop perceptions and it's not against the rules to turn down an otherwise qualified applicant in favor of another qualified applicant because you felt one would be "a better fit with the team". And it's not against the rules to make that sort of judgement call, every time.)
And I don't know the managers and the process enough to know if they're the type to honor it or to brush it aside in annoyance.
blllaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
I was trying to post something that wasn't a stupid, pointless, self-pitying rant that I will regret in a week.
:| I'm not so sure I succeeded on that front.
Instead, for entirely different tone, you should read the posts I made on my other (very much currently neglected) blog.
I need to write more drabbles or have literary related things to say so I post there more often.
Or maybe I need to broaden the scope of the blog.
update on the psychosis
oh, hey, guys........................
by the way.............
apparently, this is all on me.
not surprising really.
So what if it makes me feel really bitter, but Al does have a good point on the matter:
She never said she would hang out tonight. Just that she thought she might.
And if I didn't feel like dog shit before, realizing she's right about that, and that she's right about allllll the underlying implied statements there, too, brings that right back.
I was 100 percent like: Shit, I just assumed here, didn't I. I just pushed myself on her. She never said she actually wanted to spend time together tonight.
But now I don't think that's actually all accurate. She genuinely was just more interested in talking to her online chat friends tonight than doing our thing. Because she did say she was just going to pop in to say she wasn't going to be in their chat tonight because she was going to do our thing.
But instead, she came back to me and said, she was going to do chat, but if I wanted to wait for her to be done talking with them, then she'd spend some time with me.
I don't think that's the same thing at all. But w/e I did push her to want to hang out tonight when she said she didn't feel like talking to the other people. MY MISTAKE guys.
Seriously, though. I probably should have seen that coming. They are all still shiny and new, and they have trumped me every time so far, sooooo...
Brain freaks out and blah blah blah....long story short,
I completely feel like crawling back into my little hole for a couple weeks.
Not like it's any different anyhow.
But hey, probably this is the upswing. Feeling petty, angsty, and annoyed, and peeved, and upset, and taken for granted is a vast improvement, because all of those emotions require an underlying implication of self worth that is being crushed/ignored/trespassed/etc.
So, given that, probably, tomorrow I will be on even keel again. Embarrassed and appalled for not having been a better person to begin with.
I won't care about Al not wanting to talk on one of the few nights its even possible for us to talk anymore.
It was stupid to even ask, because it's been established for months now that Saturdays do not belong to me, and that was okay before, and it will be okay again in the future.
There will still be an issue in overcoming the part where for howeverlong my reptilian brain decides, in order to "protect" myself from such future events, I will default to assume that any plans, even "definite" ones, are not meant, and the phrase "so I wanted to talk to you" means "So I thought I might be bored but if something else comes along forget that previous statement" with the obvious exception of "I have something to get off my chest so we can talk, just please limit your side to 10 drama free minutes."
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo unfairly bitter. Me, that is.
I am a bad person/friend/companion/everything. So please pack your bags and leave now.
blah.
This is exactly the kind of stuff I try to keep locked up to fester for months at a time inside my brain. Because as helpful as it is for me to see it written out, analyze it, and start the process of rejecting it..............as useful as that is for me, I know the people who would see this can't help but judge me for it. Can't help but lower myself a notch in their estimation.
And I can't blame them at all.
And that's another notch I'll have to pull myself back up, slowly, painfully, and perhaps, unsuccessfully.
I never did have much upper body strength.
Al will read this some day and get pissed and dislike me for a time.
If Amanda reads this, that could be even worse. How obviously petty it must be to a third party observer, and I've given her a million reasons to walk away already. Been really worried that that's already happening.
And Marisa.......god. I don't think she reads this blog and that's a good thing. I don't think there's much I could do to be lower in her estimation. Not really as a person, she's so much better than that, but as someone she does not want in her daughters' lives. What a great escape, Kaleena! Good job! A plus plus.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over the fear of driving everyone in my life that I care about away. And I can't but plainly see that I'll never be worthy of that affection unless I do get beyond that.
The catch 22 that is ruining my life.
Because I can't stand up and say it's wrong for them to do so.
This is exactly the kind of post that should never be posted. It's too much to ask to dump the burden of all this crazy onto another person. Even in cyberspace.
And what right do I have to complain at all.
by the way.............
apparently, this is all on me.
not surprising really.
So what if it makes me feel really bitter, but Al does have a good point on the matter:
She never said she would hang out tonight. Just that she thought she might.
And if I didn't feel like dog shit before, realizing she's right about that, and that she's right about allllll the underlying implied statements there, too, brings that right back.
I was 100 percent like: Shit, I just assumed here, didn't I. I just pushed myself on her. She never said she actually wanted to spend time together tonight.
But now I don't think that's actually all accurate. She genuinely was just more interested in talking to her online chat friends tonight than doing our thing. Because she did say she was just going to pop in to say she wasn't going to be in their chat tonight because she was going to do our thing.
But instead, she came back to me and said, she was going to do chat, but if I wanted to wait for her to be done talking with them, then she'd spend some time with me.
I don't think that's the same thing at all. But w/e I did push her to want to hang out tonight when she said she didn't feel like talking to the other people. MY MISTAKE guys.
Seriously, though. I probably should have seen that coming. They are all still shiny and new, and they have trumped me every time so far, sooooo...
Brain freaks out and blah blah blah....long story short,
I completely feel like crawling back into my little hole for a couple weeks.
Not like it's any different anyhow.
But hey, probably this is the upswing. Feeling petty, angsty, and annoyed, and peeved, and upset, and taken for granted is a vast improvement, because all of those emotions require an underlying implication of self worth that is being crushed/ignored/trespassed/etc.
So, given that, probably, tomorrow I will be on even keel again. Embarrassed and appalled for not having been a better person to begin with.
I won't care about Al not wanting to talk on one of the few nights its even possible for us to talk anymore.
It was stupid to even ask, because it's been established for months now that Saturdays do not belong to me, and that was okay before, and it will be okay again in the future.
There will still be an issue in overcoming the part where for howeverlong my reptilian brain decides, in order to "protect" myself from such future events, I will default to assume that any plans, even "definite" ones, are not meant, and the phrase "so I wanted to talk to you" means "So I thought I might be bored but if something else comes along forget that previous statement" with the obvious exception of "I have something to get off my chest so we can talk, just please limit your side to 10 drama free minutes."
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo unfairly bitter. Me, that is.
I am a bad person/friend/companion/everything. So please pack your bags and leave now.
blah.
This is exactly the kind of stuff I try to keep locked up to fester for months at a time inside my brain. Because as helpful as it is for me to see it written out, analyze it, and start the process of rejecting it..............as useful as that is for me, I know the people who would see this can't help but judge me for it. Can't help but lower myself a notch in their estimation.
And I can't blame them at all.
And that's another notch I'll have to pull myself back up, slowly, painfully, and perhaps, unsuccessfully.
I never did have much upper body strength.
Al will read this some day and get pissed and dislike me for a time.
If Amanda reads this, that could be even worse. How obviously petty it must be to a third party observer, and I've given her a million reasons to walk away already. Been really worried that that's already happening.
And Marisa.......god. I don't think she reads this blog and that's a good thing. I don't think there's much I could do to be lower in her estimation. Not really as a person, she's so much better than that, but as someone she does not want in her daughters' lives. What a great escape, Kaleena! Good job! A plus plus.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over the fear of driving everyone in my life that I care about away. And I can't but plainly see that I'll never be worthy of that affection unless I do get beyond that.
The catch 22 that is ruining my life.
Because I can't stand up and say it's wrong for them to do so.
This is exactly the kind of post that should never be posted. It's too much to ask to dump the burden of all this crazy onto another person. Even in cyberspace.
And what right do I have to complain at all.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
crash
I knew it would come and it did.
But why did it have to be something so stupid, why do I have to be so stupid.
It's trivial and I can see that even as my chest is hurting.
And I don't understand why something so simple has to be the thing to make my throat close up.
Why couldn't my brain stick with the petty anger instead of making me cry.
issues. unfair mental associations.
I have them in spades.
I just hope it will leave as soon as it came on and I can get back to the smiles I had this afternoon.
What the fuck is wrong with my brain? Is there some preset quota? You're only allowed to laugh/smile/be hopeful x amount before something comes along and flips you completely over?
And ooooh am I good at that psycho analyzing shit, and I know my triggers and I know my brain chemistry.
But being able to rationally and calmly tell myself that I'm experiencing a sudden drop in serotonin set off by the lethal combination of mild physical exhaustion (not enough sleep and fighting off a cold) and the sudden shock of having a premeditated plan pulled out from under me doesn't at all stop it.
Because out of a lot of mental triggers, this one hits home hard and fast.
Making a plan with someone, looking forward to that plan, changing or avoiding making other plans in order to keep that first plan, and then..........the other person decides they'd rather not, for whatever reason.
It makes me feel more rejected, more lowly and unworthy, more overlooked and unappreciated than if the plan had never been made to begin with, if the person straight up said they'd rather not.
And, quite frankly, it instantly dredges up pretty awful memories. This is how friendships end. This is how people tell you "lawl, j/k, I *don't* actually like you." This is how it all starts. And my body knows that before my brain can step in and say "but this is different and trivial." Before my brain can stop it, my heart races and my chest *hurts*, and I'm crying without wanting to. Like a miniature anxiety attack.
Deep breathes, focusing, remembering (painful as that is), recognizing what this is, naming it, and about 40 mins to feel like dog shit stuck to the bottom of someone's shoe, and now I'm breathing a little better. I'm not crying now. My chest still hurts, but it will stop. Mind over matter. Fight or flight is unnecessary.
Allison and I will still be friends tomorrow. Even if Kaleena wasn't, even if Reggie wasn't, even if once upon a time, she wasn't either. This is not that, and brain stop holding the same standards.
It is sad how much my life is messed up because of things that've happened in the past. For someone like me, someone who is so needy, and who needs to be needed (or at least wanted), having had the shock of truly cherished relationships dissipate overnight......
I need to be stronger in myself. Although, I've pulled back in recent years, I don't think that's been accompanied by an increase in self reliance, but purely a preventative defense mechanism.
Hey, you, over there! Person I really care about. Guess what? *You* can't unexpectedly end this relationship because I'm going to withdraw first! And hey, it doesn't mean I don't want to be friends, but if you take it that way or get tired of trying, then I have something to blame it on.
I feel a bit better. At (fucking) twenty five years old, I finally understand my self destructive habits to call them as they happen.
Now if only I still have relationships left in another twenty years when I can, hopefully, *prevent* the negative reaction from occurring in the first place.
Because this sucks.
And I was having a good day.
But why did it have to be something so stupid, why do I have to be so stupid.
It's trivial and I can see that even as my chest is hurting.
And I don't understand why something so simple has to be the thing to make my throat close up.
Why couldn't my brain stick with the petty anger instead of making me cry.
issues. unfair mental associations.
I have them in spades.
I just hope it will leave as soon as it came on and I can get back to the smiles I had this afternoon.
What the fuck is wrong with my brain? Is there some preset quota? You're only allowed to laugh/smile/be hopeful x amount before something comes along and flips you completely over?
And ooooh am I good at that psycho analyzing shit, and I know my triggers and I know my brain chemistry.
But being able to rationally and calmly tell myself that I'm experiencing a sudden drop in serotonin set off by the lethal combination of mild physical exhaustion (not enough sleep and fighting off a cold) and the sudden shock of having a premeditated plan pulled out from under me doesn't at all stop it.
Because out of a lot of mental triggers, this one hits home hard and fast.
Making a plan with someone, looking forward to that plan, changing or avoiding making other plans in order to keep that first plan, and then..........the other person decides they'd rather not, for whatever reason.
It makes me feel more rejected, more lowly and unworthy, more overlooked and unappreciated than if the plan had never been made to begin with, if the person straight up said they'd rather not.
And, quite frankly, it instantly dredges up pretty awful memories. This is how friendships end. This is how people tell you "lawl, j/k, I *don't* actually like you." This is how it all starts. And my body knows that before my brain can step in and say "but this is different and trivial." Before my brain can stop it, my heart races and my chest *hurts*, and I'm crying without wanting to. Like a miniature anxiety attack.
Deep breathes, focusing, remembering (painful as that is), recognizing what this is, naming it, and about 40 mins to feel like dog shit stuck to the bottom of someone's shoe, and now I'm breathing a little better. I'm not crying now. My chest still hurts, but it will stop. Mind over matter. Fight or flight is unnecessary.
Allison and I will still be friends tomorrow. Even if Kaleena wasn't, even if Reggie wasn't, even if once upon a time, she wasn't either. This is not that, and brain stop holding the same standards.
It is sad how much my life is messed up because of things that've happened in the past. For someone like me, someone who is so needy, and who needs to be needed (or at least wanted), having had the shock of truly cherished relationships dissipate overnight......
I need to be stronger in myself. Although, I've pulled back in recent years, I don't think that's been accompanied by an increase in self reliance, but purely a preventative defense mechanism.
Hey, you, over there! Person I really care about. Guess what? *You* can't unexpectedly end this relationship because I'm going to withdraw first! And hey, it doesn't mean I don't want to be friends, but if you take it that way or get tired of trying, then I have something to blame it on.
I feel a bit better. At (fucking) twenty five years old, I finally understand my self destructive habits to call them as they happen.
Now if only I still have relationships left in another twenty years when I can, hopefully, *prevent* the negative reaction from occurring in the first place.
Because this sucks.
And I was having a good day.
Friday, April 1, 2011
The unveiling
G&V got the news today:
They're having a boy, aka, I'm having a nephew!
Although this slightly dampens my hopes of producing a next generation Sailor Moon aficionado, we shall see.
I guess this means, though, that I can indulge in my Batman and Ninja Turtles sides more readily.
And then we'll spring the magical girls in short skirts on him when he's a little older.
I'm very excited for the baby and, as adorable as little newbies are, I can't wait for it (old habit, I should now say "him") to get to an age of literary interest.
This child will learn to read, and love to read, and, hopefully, carry that through life.
If there's only one impression I can make on my future nephew, that would be the one I'd wish.
:)
They're having a boy, aka, I'm having a nephew!
Although this slightly dampens my hopes of producing a next generation Sailor Moon aficionado, we shall see.
I guess this means, though, that I can indulge in my Batman and Ninja Turtles sides more readily.
And then we'll spring the magical girls in short skirts on him when he's a little older.
I'm very excited for the baby and, as adorable as little newbies are, I can't wait for it (old habit, I should now say "him") to get to an age of literary interest.
This child will learn to read, and love to read, and, hopefully, carry that through life.
If there's only one impression I can make on my future nephew, that would be the one I'd wish.
:)
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Necromancy, Usagi's long lost twin, becomes Sailor Sun
Another thought has occurred to me in the wild rush of mixed emotions currently bombarding my system.
For the setup to this thought, let me copypasta part of an im convo.
Allie: hahaha XDDDD weavermoon: ok Allie: OMG OMG OMG weavermoon: I know Allie: oh, lol weavermoon: it could be fresh blood
For the setup to this thought, let me copypasta part of an im convo.
weavermoon: Already
like
ALREADY
SQUEEEEEEEE
that's it
/done
because any more will make me froth at the mouth
RABID
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???
A RESURGENCE
OF
FANFICS
but
I'm............
scared
or maybe
maybe it will be zombie
a horrible reanimated shambling corpse of what once was
Okay, so I know you're all probably tired of the Sailor Moon thing....if you're not now, don't worry, you will be.
But if you recall from my ASMR is dead post (if you read my ASMR is dead post...) I can't help but feel this deep connection between the universe of Sailor Moon and my own much smaller, far less epic universe of existence.
We've seen the rise and fall of popularity, unconditional love, and possibility together. And with Sailor Moon quietly entering into a universal memorial phase I was left facing the (probably unlikely since I'm overly dramatic) odds of my own mortality.
Or perhaps, since it's unlikely that I would actually die so young, the zombieish state of affairs going on inside my life.
Things, dear reader, have not gone so well for me in the last decade, but most assuredly, in the last five years. From bad to worse and every shade of desperation in between. I've given up before I've even started, and have yet to satisfactorily answer the "what's the point" or the "who cares" questions in regards to my future.
I guess I'm not a genuine self starter. I need someone to love me to love myself. I need someone to believe in me before I can believe in myself. I need someone to have faith and trust in me before I can follow through. I need someone to value me to value myself. I need someone to better myself for, to keep me going.
But ascribing zombiehood to a possible (ok, very likely) resurgence of the Sailor Moon fandom gave me a thought. Things are looking up in the Sailor Moon universe.
Maybe, just possibly, could that mean that positive things could be coming to my own life as well?
I mean, if the analogy and synergy works one way, can't it possibly work the other way too?
Maybe there's hope and possibility after all?
A thought, dare I to dream.
Moon Healing Escalation?
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42. But What is the Question?
My life has no meaning, purpose, or fulfillment.
Sometimes this is heart crushingly painful and leads me to the depths of depression.
Other times the distractions are enough to make even that chilling idea more than bearable.
Because, OhMyFuckingGod....
They are re-releasing the Sailor Moon manga starting in September. New cover art, new translation, new author's notes, translator's notes, retouched artwork.....and Codename V (never before released in English.)
They are condensing the original 18 volumes into 12 with 2 additional volumes of side stories. I'm not sure I like that editing move, but only time will tell on that one. As long as my "first season" romance stays intact then I'll be cool with it. SM did get randomly weird as Naoko progressed.
I will probably end up owning two copies of the re-released series. Because my biggest mistake at 12 was not having the foresight to know I'd need a set to remain pristine and a set to read ravenously.
I've actually been slowly purchasing the French edition of SM for a similar purpose (and to compare translations.)
I've always intended to purchase a set in Japanese, but those go for at least $200, and that's a hefty chunk of change to plop down all at once for something I kinda already own.
Back in the day, Dad insisted that I was completely wasting my money at $10 a volume for something "you won't even be interested in in a year." It's been more than a decade and it is the biggest hardcore fandom of my life. Serious people, Star Wars can take a hike compared to Silver Millenniums, Moon Princesses, and fighting evil by moonlight in adorable pleated school uniforms.
Also, the first volume of Sailor Moon currently sells for upwards of $270!!! Volume 2 will generally fetch about $100 less than that, and every other volume goes for somewhere between $30 and $70 a pop.
I'm sure the reissue will kill that value immediately. But! It just goes to show.
Anyway, obviously, I've been in hardcore unrelenting Sailor Moon phase for about a month now, and it's only been picking up steam.
I see that trend continuing until heart attack or depression, whichever sets in first.
Sometimes this is heart crushingly painful and leads me to the depths of depression.
Other times the distractions are enough to make even that chilling idea more than bearable.
Because, OhMyFuckingGod....
They are re-releasing the Sailor Moon manga starting in September. New cover art, new translation, new author's notes, translator's notes, retouched artwork.....and Codename V (never before released in English.)
They are condensing the original 18 volumes into 12 with 2 additional volumes of side stories. I'm not sure I like that editing move, but only time will tell on that one. As long as my "first season" romance stays intact then I'll be cool with it. SM did get randomly weird as Naoko progressed.
I will probably end up owning two copies of the re-released series. Because my biggest mistake at 12 was not having the foresight to know I'd need a set to remain pristine and a set to read ravenously.
I've actually been slowly purchasing the French edition of SM for a similar purpose (and to compare translations.)
I've always intended to purchase a set in Japanese, but those go for at least $200, and that's a hefty chunk of change to plop down all at once for something I kinda already own.
Back in the day, Dad insisted that I was completely wasting my money at $10 a volume for something "you won't even be interested in in a year." It's been more than a decade and it is the biggest hardcore fandom of my life. Serious people, Star Wars can take a hike compared to Silver Millenniums, Moon Princesses, and fighting evil by moonlight in adorable pleated school uniforms.
Also, the first volume of Sailor Moon currently sells for upwards of $270!!! Volume 2 will generally fetch about $100 less than that, and every other volume goes for somewhere between $30 and $70 a pop.
I'm sure the reissue will kill that value immediately. But! It just goes to show.
Anyway, obviously, I've been in hardcore unrelenting Sailor Moon phase for about a month now, and it's only been picking up steam.
I see that trend continuing until heart attack or depression, whichever sets in first.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
to be or
Slept for almost 13 hours.
All my aches, all gone away, and bruises faded by a shade.
Twisted ankle, lying in wait, to spring again come next work night.
My hips have lied, but all the same, I'd take that pain in exchange.
Talked with AC for 3 hours.
Laughed a deal, made some plans
The same old things goin' round and round and round and round.
How can it be now that I'm sad?
I don't want to know, not really.
Don't want to visit that place again, not today.
Not now, not really ever.
Time to avoid, to recede, to descend,
to be within
There will be another day, just not today
Now I have to go and not be.
All my aches, all gone away, and bruises faded by a shade.
Twisted ankle, lying in wait, to spring again come next work night.
My hips have lied, but all the same, I'd take that pain in exchange.
Talked with AC for 3 hours.
Laughed a deal, made some plans
The same old things goin' round and round and round and round.
How can it be now that I'm sad?
I don't want to know, not really.
Don't want to visit that place again, not today.
Not now, not really ever.
Time to avoid, to recede, to descend,
to be within
There will be another day, just not today
Now I have to go and not be.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Whut whut
So, I should make a post.
Why? Because I'm still up, my computer is on, and I'm, I dunno....already getting too long and rambly answering questions that only *I* am asking in the first place.
>.<
Dad and theevilone were here last week. Only saw them for a few hours on Fri night, though.
theevilone has been getting better at social interaction with the family, and if you didn't know better, you might suspect she even passes for homo sapien and has a working heart (even if only original Grinch size.)
........That is until she said she was "tired" and wanted to go to bed (they were spending the last night at the Grandparents' house...the better to be driven to the airport the next morning) and took Dad with her. Then she proceeded to yell up a storm at him even though we were all still in the living room and there was only a blanket in the hallway to separate the sound.
This is all par for the course and not even a particularly bad case and certainly much much shorter than most all the bouts I can recall. But apparently, V had never "witnessed" the theevilone's act firsthand before. She'd heard the stories, as she'd put it, but never actually seen it before "woah".
DAN has an iphone now (cheat! If I use all his initials it's the same as his name. Oh, Mom, you really were feeling cheeky at that point, weren't you.) This is good but he should have told me sooner. I've been going to bat for him for months now, dropping hints and the like (he was literally the only one without one at that point). I was just setting up to tee off for the evening's round of hint dropping, mentioning how Dan's current phone the menu buttons no longer worked...then Dad said "you mean on the iphone?"
So, yeah, I guess that bit is resolved peacefully and to everyone's benefit ('cept Dad's pocketbook as the plan is more expensive).
Did some baby stuff shopping and went to UFC at one of G's friends' houses on Sat. Got to play with the baby. That's always awesome. Liz + babies = OTP
I got to train all last week at work, so that was cool. I hope there are a bunch more transferees coming in that need training up. :)
Mr.ThatGameWhereYouPlayWithElectronicPeople (cheat, avoiding the name by giving you name?) is back from vacation this week and will be reviewing the questionnaires. I'll either make it to round three (interview) or not from there. Wish me luck, or hope good things for me, or you know, not, whatever, who asked you anyhow?
There was a Groupon for language classes and I really wanted to get it (they offer French and Japanese in addition to a bunch of other stuff) but I was totally bummed because the classes are all evening, twice a week, so it doesn't work with my work schedule. :(((((((
Speaking of randomness (as I always am) I'm totally annoyed at my phone/blogger, except I love both my phone and blogger, so maybe I'm only specifically annoyed at Blogger on my phone. Because last week I posted a response to one of AM's blog posts. But then it captcha'd me and it refused, utterly refused, to recognize any of what I put in as right, though I tried it about six times. But what's worse is that it won't let me back arrow back to my comment. So now my comment is just....sitting there.....in the expanse...trapped forever.
I don't know if that sort of thing ever happens to you, mythological reader(s), but it always annoys the crap out of me. There's nothing like picking out your perfect phrasing and then losing that just formed wording into an eternity of nothingness to knock the wind from your sails.
It's like, the comment hasn't been made so the space is still there for what I wanted to say.
The person I was going to speak to hasn't heard anything so from their perspective nothing's been said.
Etc etc. All of that is true, but it doesn't matter because your brain can now do nothing but lament the loss of that perfect turn of phrase designed to trigger a smile. And nothing you could ever come up with to replace it will be as good.
Even if you somehow pull out the actual original phrasing a second time, you will just imagine that its not the same, not nearly as good.
Le sigh.
White. People. Problems.
I tell you what.
Why? Because I'm still up, my computer is on, and I'm, I dunno....already getting too long and rambly answering questions that only *I* am asking in the first place.
>.<
Dad and theevilone were here last week. Only saw them for a few hours on Fri night, though.
theevilone has been getting better at social interaction with the family, and if you didn't know better, you might suspect she even passes for homo sapien and has a working heart (even if only original Grinch size.)
........That is until she said she was "tired" and wanted to go to bed (they were spending the last night at the Grandparents' house...the better to be driven to the airport the next morning) and took Dad with her. Then she proceeded to yell up a storm at him even though we were all still in the living room and there was only a blanket in the hallway to separate the sound.
This is all par for the course and not even a particularly bad case and certainly much much shorter than most all the bouts I can recall. But apparently, V had never "witnessed" the theevilone's act firsthand before. She'd heard the stories, as she'd put it, but never actually seen it before "woah".
DAN has an iphone now (cheat! If I use all his initials it's the same as his name. Oh, Mom, you really were feeling cheeky at that point, weren't you.) This is good but he should have told me sooner. I've been going to bat for him for months now, dropping hints and the like (he was literally the only one without one at that point). I was just setting up to tee off for the evening's round of hint dropping, mentioning how Dan's current phone the menu buttons no longer worked...then Dad said "you mean on the iphone?"
So, yeah, I guess that bit is resolved peacefully and to everyone's benefit ('cept Dad's pocketbook as the plan is more expensive).
Did some baby stuff shopping and went to UFC at one of G's friends' houses on Sat. Got to play with the baby. That's always awesome. Liz + babies = OTP
I got to train all last week at work, so that was cool. I hope there are a bunch more transferees coming in that need training up. :)
Mr.ThatGameWhereYouPlayWithElectronicPeople (cheat, avoiding the name by giving you name?) is back from vacation this week and will be reviewing the questionnaires. I'll either make it to round three (interview) or not from there. Wish me luck, or hope good things for me, or you know, not, whatever, who asked you anyhow?
There was a Groupon for language classes and I really wanted to get it (they offer French and Japanese in addition to a bunch of other stuff) but I was totally bummed because the classes are all evening, twice a week, so it doesn't work with my work schedule. :(((((((
Speaking of randomness (as I always am) I'm totally annoyed at my phone/blogger, except I love both my phone and blogger, so maybe I'm only specifically annoyed at Blogger on my phone. Because last week I posted a response to one of AM's blog posts. But then it captcha'd me and it refused, utterly refused, to recognize any of what I put in as right, though I tried it about six times. But what's worse is that it won't let me back arrow back to my comment. So now my comment is just....sitting there.....in the expanse...trapped forever.
I don't know if that sort of thing ever happens to you, mythological reader(s), but it always annoys the crap out of me. There's nothing like picking out your perfect phrasing and then losing that just formed wording into an eternity of nothingness to knock the wind from your sails.
It's like, the comment hasn't been made so the space is still there for what I wanted to say.
The person I was going to speak to hasn't heard anything so from their perspective nothing's been said.
Etc etc. All of that is true, but it doesn't matter because your brain can now do nothing but lament the loss of that perfect turn of phrase designed to trigger a smile. And nothing you could ever come up with to replace it will be as good.
Even if you somehow pull out the actual original phrasing a second time, you will just imagine that its not the same, not nearly as good.
Le sigh.
White. People. Problems.
I tell you what.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Requiem for a Dream
Let me just start by saying: ASMR is dead, may it rest in peace.
ASMR: A Sailor Moon Romance, was once the hub of the online Sailor Moon world, and host to literally more than 10 thousand fanfics and forums posted in by more than 13 thousand registered users...of which I was not one, TROLL even then.
I've been in a personal Sailor Moon deluge recently: Watching the PGSM (aka Sailor Moon live action) like a madwoman, d/l and karaoking Sailor Moon songs, using every ounce of analytics my brain is capable of to wring detail from every ink spot in the manga, discussing SM theory with AC, etc.
So, it all started with the fic idea that wouldn't die. It's only natural that I would turn and wish to revisit fics of old.
.............Now I am experiencing that hazy border between depression and nostalgia.
That giddy tumbling in the pit of my stomach that must come out in perverse laughter or a rush of tears. And it will....maybe not tonight, but soon, it will hit me.
I've slipped from a ledge I hadn't realized was crumbling, I'm free falling now, but the impact, however delayed, is inevitable.
It's not that the single largest archive of Sailor Moon fandom is dead. Or not that, precisely. It's that the new owner who took it after the original incarnation died in a server crash several years ago, has made it into a memorial.
As in death. Over. Done with. "There's no point now in maintaining an active archive." This was the message I encountered not only on ASMR but on almost every single site that still exists.
It makes me sad. It makes me long for the days when SM was at its peak and everything was still open to me.
Sailor Moon fandom reached its peak along with the circumstances of my life.
It's pathetic to say, but honestly true: the best times of my life were when I was 13.
At the time, I lived in one of the most beautiful places in the USA. I literally saw the ocean every day, listened to the waves at night, was awoken in the morning by the foghorn on the lighthouse a mile away. It was beautiful, peaceful, and resonated with me in a way that's difficult to describe.
I had best friends that completed and complemented me. They were interested in all the same type of things as me but in different enough specifics to be constantly expanding my tastes and world view. They were everything I could have asked for, and I seemed to be that for them as well.
I had a boy who loved me sincerely and deeply. He said I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, and he never lied. Even when I'd moved away and we no longer saw each other, the connection was there. (I broke up with her because I couldn't talk to her the way I talk to you/Nobody makes me smile the way you do etc).
I had an awesome family. My mother who was healthy, alive, and the only person in my life to truly unconditionally love me. My brothers who were the right mixture of annoying and supportive. We were close to my grandparents and my favorite Aunt&Uncle and saw them often.
I was constantly learning, loved school, did well (though it's true even then I struggled with the willpower issues that later killed my chances at university and still petrify me when I think of returning for my degree). I traveled internationally with People to People, on what remains the best trip of my life.
There was so much hope, so many dreams, so much potential as well as actual current happiness then. Every area of my life was in the black and I've never before nor since achieved that level of contentment.
But the world of Sailor Moon fandom has declined to a mere trickle. It's reached its denouement. The world no longer cares. The cost benefit of sustenance has shifted.
And now I can't help but feel like it would be cosmically appropriate for me to meet my own denouement as well.
I was 13 and the happiest I ever had been or (sadly) am likely to be. In four months I'll be 26.
Exactly twice that age.
It's a macabre and odd feeling that I've never really had before, but I just can't get it out of my head tonight that it would be appropriate if I died next year.
I don't wish that to be the case, nor would I take action to make that come about. But with the loss of all those dreams, all those lost hopes, all that missed potiential, all the subsequent buried relationships, and with so very very little to have come in to replace it....How do you replace an ocean with a tear drop and call it even?
ASMR: A Sailor Moon Romance, was once the hub of the online Sailor Moon world, and host to literally more than 10 thousand fanfics and forums posted in by more than 13 thousand registered users...of which I was not one, TROLL even then.
I've been in a personal Sailor Moon deluge recently: Watching the PGSM (aka Sailor Moon live action) like a madwoman, d/l and karaoking Sailor Moon songs, using every ounce of analytics my brain is capable of to wring detail from every ink spot in the manga, discussing SM theory with AC, etc.
So, it all started with the fic idea that wouldn't die. It's only natural that I would turn and wish to revisit fics of old.
.............Now I am experiencing that hazy border between depression and nostalgia.
That giddy tumbling in the pit of my stomach that must come out in perverse laughter or a rush of tears. And it will....maybe not tonight, but soon, it will hit me.
I've slipped from a ledge I hadn't realized was crumbling, I'm free falling now, but the impact, however delayed, is inevitable.
It's not that the single largest archive of Sailor Moon fandom is dead. Or not that, precisely. It's that the new owner who took it after the original incarnation died in a server crash several years ago, has made it into a memorial.
As in death. Over. Done with. "There's no point now in maintaining an active archive." This was the message I encountered not only on ASMR but on almost every single site that still exists.
It makes me sad. It makes me long for the days when SM was at its peak and everything was still open to me.
Sailor Moon fandom reached its peak along with the circumstances of my life.
It's pathetic to say, but honestly true: the best times of my life were when I was 13.
At the time, I lived in one of the most beautiful places in the USA. I literally saw the ocean every day, listened to the waves at night, was awoken in the morning by the foghorn on the lighthouse a mile away. It was beautiful, peaceful, and resonated with me in a way that's difficult to describe.
I had best friends that completed and complemented me. They were interested in all the same type of things as me but in different enough specifics to be constantly expanding my tastes and world view. They were everything I could have asked for, and I seemed to be that for them as well.
I had a boy who loved me sincerely and deeply. He said I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, and he never lied. Even when I'd moved away and we no longer saw each other, the connection was there. (I broke up with her because I couldn't talk to her the way I talk to you/Nobody makes me smile the way you do etc).
I had an awesome family. My mother who was healthy, alive, and the only person in my life to truly unconditionally love me. My brothers who were the right mixture of annoying and supportive. We were close to my grandparents and my favorite Aunt&Uncle and saw them often.
I was constantly learning, loved school, did well (though it's true even then I struggled with the willpower issues that later killed my chances at university and still petrify me when I think of returning for my degree). I traveled internationally with People to People, on what remains the best trip of my life.
There was so much hope, so many dreams, so much potential as well as actual current happiness then. Every area of my life was in the black and I've never before nor since achieved that level of contentment.
But the world of Sailor Moon fandom has declined to a mere trickle. It's reached its denouement. The world no longer cares. The cost benefit of sustenance has shifted.
And now I can't help but feel like it would be cosmically appropriate for me to meet my own denouement as well.
I was 13 and the happiest I ever had been or (sadly) am likely to be. In four months I'll be 26.
Exactly twice that age.
It's a macabre and odd feeling that I've never really had before, but I just can't get it out of my head tonight that it would be appropriate if I died next year.
I don't wish that to be the case, nor would I take action to make that come about. But with the loss of all those dreams, all those lost hopes, all that missed potiential, all the subsequent buried relationships, and with so very very little to have come in to replace it....How do you replace an ocean with a tear drop and call it even?
Friday, March 4, 2011
And the mediocrity sets in
What have I done the last couple days?
Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Truly. For hours. It's nice.
Daydream about writing some Sailor Moon fanfiction (see my other blog for a rant about that).
Discovered a random manga online that actually pretty quickly pulled me in, called Black Bird.
It's your standard shoujo manga fare: Girl has a cute childhood friend who tells her he must leave but will return for her one day. This girl sees demons and monsters floating around everywhere. Then on her 16th birthday, they all start seriously attacking her, and her childhood, now very much grownup, friend returns. He reveals that he is the head of the Tengu monster clan (those stork-like things, famed for their handling of katana) and he's come to claim her as his bride. Because she, of course, is the Celestial Peach that: if a monster drinks her blood it gives them power, if a monster eats her it gives them immortality, if a monster marries her it gives his whole clan some sort of boost (I forget the specific wording now).
Anyway, I've been reading that in bits and pieces. And I'm not sure what I think about it yet. The way the mangaka makes the nose so small and placed high on the lead male's face though realllly bugs me. He's meant to look something like 20 but instead he comes off looking like like he's 10 most of the time. :\
Finally paid my bills, except one that I have to drop in the mail still. Which, by the way, when did it become the trend to not have an outgoing mail location at the mailbox where you pick up your incoming mail?
Does anyone else have this problem or is it peculiar to Arizona apartment complexes?
Seriously. None of them allow for outgoing mail. So that means I have to drive all the way to the post office (or find another mailbox) each time I want to put something in the mail.
>.< Annnoying.
Been watching some tv, too. But not a lot, actually. I've still got the whole week's Daily Show/Colbert Report to watch and that's one I usually will stay up to watch on work nights. Just shows how tired I've been this week. No tv, just crash.
Wrrry is there no Bones this week? It makes me sad. House has been interesting recently. I kinda choked up at the last episode.
Ok, I think that is all.
Oh, and V went to the doctor today, she gained a little more weight (yeah!) and they took her off mandatory bed rest. So now she gets to/ has to go back to work and school. But that's a good thing. That means that hopefully, the worst of it all is over.
I told her a while ago I felt a bit cheated because when I think what the most fun thing about having a pregnant V around would be, it's having her be able to eat. Seriously. She's even pickier than I am in a lot of ways and she orders the kids sizes when we go out to places and sometimes doesn't finish that. She thought that was funny (odd) of me.
Meh.
Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Truly. For hours. It's nice.
Daydream about writing some Sailor Moon fanfiction (see my other blog for a rant about that).
Discovered a random manga online that actually pretty quickly pulled me in, called Black Bird.
It's your standard shoujo manga fare: Girl has a cute childhood friend who tells her he must leave but will return for her one day. This girl sees demons and monsters floating around everywhere. Then on her 16th birthday, they all start seriously attacking her, and her childhood, now very much grownup, friend returns. He reveals that he is the head of the Tengu monster clan (those stork-like things, famed for their handling of katana) and he's come to claim her as his bride. Because she, of course, is the Celestial Peach that: if a monster drinks her blood it gives them power, if a monster eats her it gives them immortality, if a monster marries her it gives his whole clan some sort of boost (I forget the specific wording now).
Anyway, I've been reading that in bits and pieces. And I'm not sure what I think about it yet. The way the mangaka makes the nose so small and placed high on the lead male's face though realllly bugs me. He's meant to look something like 20 but instead he comes off looking like like he's 10 most of the time. :\
Finally paid my bills, except one that I have to drop in the mail still. Which, by the way, when did it become the trend to not have an outgoing mail location at the mailbox where you pick up your incoming mail?
Does anyone else have this problem or is it peculiar to Arizona apartment complexes?
Seriously. None of them allow for outgoing mail. So that means I have to drive all the way to the post office (or find another mailbox) each time I want to put something in the mail.
>.< Annnoying.
Been watching some tv, too. But not a lot, actually. I've still got the whole week's Daily Show/Colbert Report to watch and that's one I usually will stay up to watch on work nights. Just shows how tired I've been this week. No tv, just crash.
Wrrry is there no Bones this week? It makes me sad. House has been interesting recently. I kinda choked up at the last episode.
Ok, I think that is all.
Oh, and V went to the doctor today, she gained a little more weight (yeah!) and they took her off mandatory bed rest. So now she gets to/ has to go back to work and school. But that's a good thing. That means that hopefully, the worst of it all is over.
I told her a while ago I felt a bit cheated because when I think what the most fun thing about having a pregnant V around would be, it's having her be able to eat. Seriously. She's even pickier than I am in a lot of ways and she orders the kids sizes when we go out to places and sometimes doesn't finish that. She thought that was funny (odd) of me.
Meh.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Other random shite
As the post declares:
Lost my hearing almost completely in my right ear. Didn't have time to "fix" it before work as I was already running late. It was driving me nuts all night. That inner echo like being underwater, but only half way. Perpetually being unable to pop your ears even as you hear the pop snap pop snap pop snap of your dislocating jaw as you try.
But anyhow, I found my waterpik after heart-stopping moments of panicked assurity that'd I'd left it sitting on the bathroom counter behind the now closed to me forever door of my old place.
Oh snap, assurity is not actually a word? How's that. :| Alright then, assuredness or surety, but no assurity.
I can now hear out of both my ears and it's pretty awesome.
Some person, defecated in the stow mod at work...twice.
Yeah, someone took a crap on the floor, at work, right there between the library shelves and the conveyor belt. Then a couple paces away, they did it again.
Wtf, people. For reals.
Updated my benefits info with a new primary care physician number, even though I haven't actually called this new physician yet to be sure he'd accept me as a new patient. I did this when I first signed up and then got a letter from Aetna telling me that although I was still technically covered and all, they couldn't print me my cards until I'd made another election and sent that to them as the PCP I'd chosen wasn't accepting new patients. (Her site said she was, but no matter.)
Just under the wire with this whole thing, as usual, since open enrollment ends on the 2nd. Which is today in normal people terms, still tomorrow in relative to Liz terms. I need to call the doc and confirm that they'll accept me, but now I'm worried that since I went ahead and updated my info anyhow, that I'll lose the momentum to do it and will instead ignore it.
We shall see.
Also, changed my address...wtf, Post Office. $20?! That's an awful lot of a fee for a simple service. I seem to recall the last time I changed my address that it was more along the lines of $2. An arbitrary minor charge amount because having some sort of credit card in your name and address is a verification that it's really you wanting to change addresses.
Before it was free if you went in person, I don't know if it still is. I was tempted when I saw how much the fee was, but I also knew that meant my mail wouldn't get changed over for a week at least with my schedule and laziness. And I'm already left to wonder what sort of mail got delivered to my old address today and if it's important and if I'll ever see it.
Along those lines, I haven't gotten any mail at my new place yet, although I think I was supposed to be receiving something or other.
Like my rent statement. I don't have that and I need to pay it. So that's another get up early before work to take care of things. There have been farrrr too many of those recently.
That's how I only got 4 hrs of sleep on Sun and 6 hrs the next etc.
Got stopped by a train on the way to work today. It's been forever since I happened to be at the train tracks when a train came by, and it had to happen on the day I was already running really late. I got clocked in with 1 min to spare, and I didn't even put my lunch in the fridge.
Been having crazy and vivid dreams recently. All of them have been pretty somber (though not devastating or terrifying or anything.)
I don't actually feel sad in my waking life, right now at least.
Things have been alright and there's so much potiential to get better. We'll see.
Sad as it may be, I really feel that at least 80% of this new found emotional even keel is due to V's being, well, due. I'm so excited about being an aunt and having a little one in my life. I can't wait for it all. I know it never works how you plan it, or think it will go, etc. But I'm really looking forward to reading with the kid and introducing it to random stuff I love, like Sailor Moon. It's a whole new reason to be and do and think and feel. The idea of this kid has given me a firm foothold on the very unstable ground of "what am I doing here?"
Hopefully it pans out to be at least half as cool as I'm hoping. I love that G&V had at least toyed with the idea of having me be their child care. If only that worked out financially for me. :(
G had said something along the lines of "Liz's rent is about how much child care would cost us anyhow." But then it keeps coming back to me not having money for food and gas and phone/tv/everything else. I had said I could quit Amazon and go back to school full time (or when V isn't I guess?) but that doesn't fix the money thing, since fin aid pays for classes, not living expenses. :(((
I do have money in that GET account and that does allow for life expenses to be drawn from it, provided the person is a current student. But there's a cap on how much can be put towards that and I know it's low but I don't remember how much.
Maybe if it turns out that that's a liveable amount, then I could use the GET for living expenses, fin aid for classes, and G&V would pay me enough to cover my rent. And then I could do something I love for the next few years. Sounds too good to be true, so it will be, and it won't work out that way. But it's something to look into anyhow.
If the GET amount is reasonable, then I'd ask G&V how serious they are about paying me to be full time child care for them. It would be cool, but I'm definitely not counting on it.
I need to get to sleep (two hours ago!!)
I'm still getting up exhausted thanks to the tiny amount of sleep I got at the beginning of the week.
TGIF though. At least "Friday" as in, I don't have to go to work again until next week after tomorrow (that's tonight for you people).
Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
No time to craft an email to AC or to AM (who still hasn't written back about the previous email. Annoyed? Or just busy. I will ponder it forever...literally.)
'Specially since I'm obviously rather rambally these days.
But what else is new, eh?
Also randomly into italics in the last few posts.
Lost my hearing almost completely in my right ear. Didn't have time to "fix" it before work as I was already running late. It was driving me nuts all night. That inner echo like being underwater, but only half way. Perpetually being unable to pop your ears even as you hear the pop snap pop snap pop snap of your dislocating jaw as you try.
But anyhow, I found my waterpik after heart-stopping moments of panicked assurity that'd I'd left it sitting on the bathroom counter behind the now closed to me forever door of my old place.
Oh snap, assurity is not actually a word? How's that. :| Alright then, assuredness or surety, but no assurity.
I can now hear out of both my ears and it's pretty awesome.
Some person, defecated in the stow mod at work...twice.
Yeah, someone took a crap on the floor, at work, right there between the library shelves and the conveyor belt. Then a couple paces away, they did it again.
Wtf, people. For reals.
Updated my benefits info with a new primary care physician number, even though I haven't actually called this new physician yet to be sure he'd accept me as a new patient. I did this when I first signed up and then got a letter from Aetna telling me that although I was still technically covered and all, they couldn't print me my cards until I'd made another election and sent that to them as the PCP I'd chosen wasn't accepting new patients. (Her site said she was, but no matter.)
Just under the wire with this whole thing, as usual, since open enrollment ends on the 2nd. Which is today in normal people terms, still tomorrow in relative to Liz terms. I need to call the doc and confirm that they'll accept me, but now I'm worried that since I went ahead and updated my info anyhow, that I'll lose the momentum to do it and will instead ignore it.
We shall see.
Also, changed my address...wtf, Post Office. $20?! That's an awful lot of a fee for a simple service. I seem to recall the last time I changed my address that it was more along the lines of $2. An arbitrary minor charge amount because having some sort of credit card in your name and address is a verification that it's really you wanting to change addresses.
Before it was free if you went in person, I don't know if it still is. I was tempted when I saw how much the fee was, but I also knew that meant my mail wouldn't get changed over for a week at least with my schedule and laziness. And I'm already left to wonder what sort of mail got delivered to my old address today and if it's important and if I'll ever see it.
Along those lines, I haven't gotten any mail at my new place yet, although I think I was supposed to be receiving something or other.
Like my rent statement. I don't have that and I need to pay it. So that's another get up early before work to take care of things. There have been farrrr too many of those recently.
That's how I only got 4 hrs of sleep on Sun and 6 hrs the next etc.
Got stopped by a train on the way to work today. It's been forever since I happened to be at the train tracks when a train came by, and it had to happen on the day I was already running really late. I got clocked in with 1 min to spare, and I didn't even put my lunch in the fridge.
Been having crazy and vivid dreams recently. All of them have been pretty somber (though not devastating or terrifying or anything.)
I don't actually feel sad in my waking life, right now at least.
Things have been alright and there's so much potiential to get better. We'll see.
Sad as it may be, I really feel that at least 80% of this new found emotional even keel is due to V's being, well, due. I'm so excited about being an aunt and having a little one in my life. I can't wait for it all. I know it never works how you plan it, or think it will go, etc. But I'm really looking forward to reading with the kid and introducing it to random stuff I love, like Sailor Moon. It's a whole new reason to be and do and think and feel. The idea of this kid has given me a firm foothold on the very unstable ground of "what am I doing here?"
Hopefully it pans out to be at least half as cool as I'm hoping. I love that G&V had at least toyed with the idea of having me be their child care. If only that worked out financially for me. :(
G had said something along the lines of "Liz's rent is about how much child care would cost us anyhow." But then it keeps coming back to me not having money for food and gas and phone/tv/everything else. I had said I could quit Amazon and go back to school full time (or when V isn't I guess?) but that doesn't fix the money thing, since fin aid pays for classes, not living expenses. :(((
I do have money in that GET account and that does allow for life expenses to be drawn from it, provided the person is a current student. But there's a cap on how much can be put towards that and I know it's low but I don't remember how much.
Maybe if it turns out that that's a liveable amount, then I could use the GET for living expenses, fin aid for classes, and G&V would pay me enough to cover my rent. And then I could do something I love for the next few years. Sounds too good to be true, so it will be, and it won't work out that way. But it's something to look into anyhow.
If the GET amount is reasonable, then I'd ask G&V how serious they are about paying me to be full time child care for them. It would be cool, but I'm definitely not counting on it.
I need to get to sleep (two hours ago!!)
I'm still getting up exhausted thanks to the tiny amount of sleep I got at the beginning of the week.
TGIF though. At least "Friday" as in, I don't have to go to work again until next week after tomorrow (that's tonight for you people).
Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
No time to craft an email to AC or to AM (who still hasn't written back about the previous email. Annoyed? Or just busy. I will ponder it forever...literally.)
'Specially since I'm obviously rather rambally these days.
But what else is new, eh?
Also randomly into italics in the last few posts.
No Entrance
How many times do I sit down to write something about my day(s) and start out with "man, it's been a crazy week"?
Like, woah.
I'm sure fully half my emails to AM start this way, and literally every time I look back and see that I think "Well, it was maybe a bit of hyperbole there, but *this* week truly was crazy."
Anyhoo, I'm slowly catching up on the sleep debt I've been whole-heartedly incurring from the beginning of the week.
Finished moving the very last of my crap from my apartment to my car on late Sat/early Sun. Have yet to successfully move more than five things since from the car to the apartment.
So, yes, I've been driving to and from work everyday with a ton of realllly random crap in the car and a lamp jabbing me in the shoulder when I brake.
Moved the lamp out tonight. But still nothing else. lawl.
Yesterday, (that means Mon/Tues to you normal folk as today is Tues/Wed. In my world, it is not tomorrow until I've slept and woken up) some anonymous ass-shat at work stole my lunch.
Yes, that's right, stole. my. fucking. lunch! Waaaah waaaah waaaah.
It somehow feels even worse because of the timing of it.
What I mean is, my shift is the first night shift to have lunch. This means that whatever jerkwad STOLE MY LUNCH had to have either done it on their way out of the building to go home or took it on our first break to have as a "snack".
I was so shocked that my delicious, delicious turkey sandwich wasn't just where I had left it, that I literally left only to return and check again if maybe it wasn't just hiding somewhere, about 4/5 times.
le sigh.
I've also been randomly getting injured a lot recently. I am a mass of minor cuts, scrapes, and bruises. None of which are serious business or anything, but all of which twinge me regularly throughout the day.
Work has been going fine. I've been getting lots of compliments lately for how well prep is running. (Thank god, as this means they're even less likely to try and move me out of there.)
Found out a ridiculous amount of people applied for the trainer position (more than 50 was the closest to an actual number I got) and many from the other buildings as well. I've heard that they might be giving us all a survey to fill out to narrow down the potential candidates further before scheduling interviews.
We'll see what happens with that.
Turned in my keys to my old place, so I can never return there again. Thus the title of my post.
Because, no matter how little time I spent there in the runup to the end of my lease, and no matter how little fondness I held for the place by the end, and no matter how much more ridiculously awesome in every single measurable and unmeasurable way my new place is...yes, despite all that, as soon as the keys thumped on the desk in front of the office manager, I wanted very much to just go back to my apartment and spend some time there. Just to be doubly, triply, quadrupedally, quintupally, etc sure that I hadn't left anything there and I really was sick of cleaning.
It's that whole, leaving a hotel room thing. I've always been that way. Triple checking the bathroom drawers, under the bed, etc., leaving into the hall, then stopping in a moment of panic to rush back in and check, just that one more time. And there's always a feeling of loss or loathe to part with-ed-ness to give back that key.
Whatever. End of an era. Beginning of a new and (pray God or whatever passes) continually improved one.
Like, woah.
I'm sure fully half my emails to AM start this way, and literally every time I look back and see that I think "Well, it was maybe a bit of hyperbole there, but *this* week truly was crazy."
Anyhoo, I'm slowly catching up on the sleep debt I've been whole-heartedly incurring from the beginning of the week.
Finished moving the very last of my crap from my apartment to my car on late Sat/early Sun. Have yet to successfully move more than five things since from the car to the apartment.
So, yes, I've been driving to and from work everyday with a ton of realllly random crap in the car and a lamp jabbing me in the shoulder when I brake.
Moved the lamp out tonight. But still nothing else. lawl.
Yesterday, (that means Mon/Tues to you normal folk as today is Tues/Wed. In my world, it is not tomorrow until I've slept and woken up) some anonymous ass-shat at work stole my lunch.
Yes, that's right, stole. my. fucking. lunch! Waaaah waaaah waaaah.
It somehow feels even worse because of the timing of it.
What I mean is, my shift is the first night shift to have lunch. This means that whatever jerkwad STOLE MY LUNCH had to have either done it on their way out of the building to go home or took it on our first break to have as a "snack".
I was so shocked that my delicious, delicious turkey sandwich wasn't just where I had left it, that I literally left only to return and check again if maybe it wasn't just hiding somewhere, about 4/5 times.
le sigh.
I've also been randomly getting injured a lot recently. I am a mass of minor cuts, scrapes, and bruises. None of which are serious business or anything, but all of which twinge me regularly throughout the day.
Work has been going fine. I've been getting lots of compliments lately for how well prep is running. (Thank god, as this means they're even less likely to try and move me out of there.)
Found out a ridiculous amount of people applied for the trainer position (more than 50 was the closest to an actual number I got) and many from the other buildings as well. I've heard that they might be giving us all a survey to fill out to narrow down the potential candidates further before scheduling interviews.
We'll see what happens with that.
Turned in my keys to my old place, so I can never return there again. Thus the title of my post.
Because, no matter how little time I spent there in the runup to the end of my lease, and no matter how little fondness I held for the place by the end, and no matter how much more ridiculously awesome in every single measurable and unmeasurable way my new place is...yes, despite all that, as soon as the keys thumped on the desk in front of the office manager, I wanted very much to just go back to my apartment and spend some time there. Just to be doubly, triply, quadrupedally, quintupally, etc sure that I hadn't left anything there and I really was sick of cleaning.
It's that whole, leaving a hotel room thing. I've always been that way. Triple checking the bathroom drawers, under the bed, etc., leaving into the hall, then stopping in a moment of panic to rush back in and check, just that one more time. And there's always a feeling of loss or loathe to part with-ed-ness to give back that key.
Whatever. End of an era. Beginning of a new and (pray God or whatever passes) continually improved one.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
That Brendan Fraser movie with the Fallout Shelter
So, wow. A very full day.
Got soooooo little sleep because I am a 'tard. (Used in an exaggerated figurative sense here, Palin.)
Anywhoo, V is mixing meds (hyphen...too damn lazy to get back up and walk across the room for my usb keyboard or to open and copypasta from character map) but not in a bad doc unapproved way.
She randomly got recommended these over the counter nausea pills intended for sea sickness/motion sickness and that combined with the constant pump of her prescription stuff (fanny pack is still a go) has lead to something of a miracle (hyphen, or in this sense it'd be just as grammatically correct to use colons. Yet, I prefer the hyphen. Poor, sad, lonely, overlooked colons.) V has gained 2 lbs.
Also, she's eating again. Mostly cooked pasta with nothing on it, or toast with nothing on it, or rice with nothing on...oh, you get the idea. But food! nonetheless. This is excellent progress.
Got to hear the baby's heartbeat at the doc apt I drove her to this morning. Not that I haven't heard that sound before, but it was really cool to experience in person. This woosh woosh woosh sound like pulsating waves. A very calming sound, I thought.
Played Maj. Lost $2. V doubled her money. What else is new there? lol. I've yet to come out of a Mah jong day ahead, I think. But it is a terribly fun game and I'm really determined to teach AC and AM (at least?) how to play it one of these days. The Jewish version I mean. Not the funky random solitare game that comes in old computer game packs which I'm sure they already know, or the Chinese version which has no set hands.
Mah Jong tiles are like a really pretty (and less portable) deck of cards (with three main numbered suits: Cracks, Bams, & Dots and then there's the sorta special or secondary groups of tiles of Winds, Flowers, & Dragons. So, more like a tarot deck than a playing card deck in that one way.) That's actually a pretty perfect analogy. It explains how the three game versions use the same tiles but are played completely differently.
The Chinese version is something akin to gin rummy (almost exactly gin rummy actually) whereas the Jewish version is almost perfectly akin to poker. There are set hands you have to make, only in Maj, only one person can ever make a hand in a round because as soon as you do, that's Maj, you won, round over, you get paid, tiles are shuffled and redealt. And the other major difference is that the card with the set hands are changed every year.
Anyway, I'm trailing off into la la land here, which is actually what I've been doing all day and lead to the title of the post. Because how I ended my day (aside from sitting here on my couch updating my blog right now) is sorting through a box of old and older photos and papers.
The detritus of human life.
Ah, nostalgia, how well I know thee.
Found my high school diploma too, ahem ahem.
After having determinedly declaring that I was completely positive I didn't have it and Dad must have lost it somewhere along the way and was just not bothering to look for it.
Whoops?
My fault for putting one (1) random solitary box of papers in the hall closet that I never open instead of with th rest of the lot of boxes.
There's also the pic of me getting my diploma. Which I had never seen before.
Ok, so in between Maj and Memory Lane, G helped me take apart my totally awesome but really heavy entertainment center and then put it all back together again at my new place. Then we went to the store, I bought a wireless router, and we hooked that up at my place (G wouldn't let me name my network Sailor Moon. I might change it when I'm feeling less tired and lazy. But I think Silver Millennium is a more appropriate name.)
We had the tv on comedy central in the background and this one Dane Cook special came on and G mentioned that he and V had been chosen for free tickets and they were there at that taping. I called shenanigans so G paused the intro on the crowd and woah, right there was V and G. Pretty crazy.
V and G are starting to come up with potential boys names now, since they've already got the girl name chosen. I sense it'll be a long road to agreement on the boy's names though. All thanks to Ben being off the table already.
G offered up Leonardo. My gut reaction was "Hellz nah". But then I thought it's not so bad. Da Vinci is cool and ninja turtles for the win. V was surprised I was so easily able to pick out the reasons why G had suggested the name, but that's just common childhood stuff. You make the same connections easily.
V was all "I'm not having my kid named after the ninja turtles!" To which G suggested "Leonardo Michaelangelo" lawl. What a totally awful name that would be.
When I clicked through my blog links to check for updates, I saw AC's newest couple posts and I had a sudden insight/realization/noduh that I'm surprised hadn't clicked before. She had written a long fic(hyphen)ish thing for her chat peoples about chat peoples and in it the Mary Sue(hyphen)ish character of hers gets it on with the tooooooottttal Mary Sue (Marty Stew) of that boy she's developing a thing for.
The situation she wrote about was not of her own devising (not necessarily) and blah blah, I didn't actually read the fic (tl;dr aka too long; didn't read) but I was like........well, DUH. Of course she's going to be getting it hardcore for a dude she's randomly smutting over.
Wow, just reread that sentence....talk about poor word choice. w/e This is not a chicken/egg question. That egg was sitting there looong before the chicken peaked its head round the corner.
I'm just saying, if you're undecided about whether you want to pursue poultry husbandry as your staring down that egg, prob not the best thing to throw a megawatt incubator lamp over it while you think.
Blarg, anywhooooo. I should be asleep right now.
I've got a a shitton more to do tomorrow.
HOW DID IT GET TO BE THE END OF THE MONTH SO DAMN QUICKLY????
Waaaay too much to do before the calendar officially rolls out the new March release.
Gotta completely finish my old apartment tomorrow. Including cleaning
(I don't wanna!! :| )
Got soooooo little sleep because I am a 'tard. (Used in an exaggerated figurative sense here, Palin.)
Anywhoo, V is mixing meds (hyphen...too damn lazy to get back up and walk across the room for my usb keyboard or to open and copypasta from character map) but not in a bad doc unapproved way.
She randomly got recommended these over the counter nausea pills intended for sea sickness/motion sickness and that combined with the constant pump of her prescription stuff (fanny pack is still a go) has lead to something of a miracle (hyphen, or in this sense it'd be just as grammatically correct to use colons. Yet, I prefer the hyphen. Poor, sad, lonely, overlooked colons.) V has gained 2 lbs.
Also, she's eating again. Mostly cooked pasta with nothing on it, or toast with nothing on it, or rice with nothing on...oh, you get the idea. But food! nonetheless. This is excellent progress.
Got to hear the baby's heartbeat at the doc apt I drove her to this morning. Not that I haven't heard that sound before, but it was really cool to experience in person. This woosh woosh woosh sound like pulsating waves. A very calming sound, I thought.
Played Maj. Lost $2. V doubled her money. What else is new there? lol. I've yet to come out of a Mah jong day ahead, I think. But it is a terribly fun game and I'm really determined to teach AC and AM (at least?) how to play it one of these days. The Jewish version I mean. Not the funky random solitare game that comes in old computer game packs which I'm sure they already know, or the Chinese version which has no set hands.
Mah Jong tiles are like a really pretty (and less portable) deck of cards (with three main numbered suits: Cracks, Bams, & Dots and then there's the sorta special or secondary groups of tiles of Winds, Flowers, & Dragons. So, more like a tarot deck than a playing card deck in that one way.) That's actually a pretty perfect analogy. It explains how the three game versions use the same tiles but are played completely differently.
The Chinese version is something akin to gin rummy (almost exactly gin rummy actually) whereas the Jewish version is almost perfectly akin to poker. There are set hands you have to make, only in Maj, only one person can ever make a hand in a round because as soon as you do, that's Maj, you won, round over, you get paid, tiles are shuffled and redealt. And the other major difference is that the card with the set hands are changed every year.
Anyway, I'm trailing off into la la land here, which is actually what I've been doing all day and lead to the title of the post. Because how I ended my day (aside from sitting here on my couch updating my blog right now) is sorting through a box of old and older photos and papers.
The detritus of human life.
Ah, nostalgia, how well I know thee.
Found my high school diploma too, ahem ahem.
After having determinedly declaring that I was completely positive I didn't have it and Dad must have lost it somewhere along the way and was just not bothering to look for it.
Whoops?
My fault for putting one (1) random solitary box of papers in the hall closet that I never open instead of with th rest of the lot of boxes.
There's also the pic of me getting my diploma. Which I had never seen before.
Ok, so in between Maj and Memory Lane, G helped me take apart my totally awesome but really heavy entertainment center and then put it all back together again at my new place. Then we went to the store, I bought a wireless router, and we hooked that up at my place (G wouldn't let me name my network Sailor Moon. I might change it when I'm feeling less tired and lazy. But I think Silver Millennium is a more appropriate name.)
We had the tv on comedy central in the background and this one Dane Cook special came on and G mentioned that he and V had been chosen for free tickets and they were there at that taping. I called shenanigans so G paused the intro on the crowd and woah, right there was V and G. Pretty crazy.
V and G are starting to come up with potential boys names now, since they've already got the girl name chosen. I sense it'll be a long road to agreement on the boy's names though. All thanks to Ben being off the table already.
G offered up Leonardo. My gut reaction was "Hellz nah". But then I thought it's not so bad. Da Vinci is cool and ninja turtles for the win. V was surprised I was so easily able to pick out the reasons why G had suggested the name, but that's just common childhood stuff. You make the same connections easily.
V was all "I'm not having my kid named after the ninja turtles!" To which G suggested "Leonardo Michaelangelo" lawl. What a totally awful name that would be.
When I clicked through my blog links to check for updates, I saw AC's newest couple posts and I had a sudden insight/realization/noduh that I'm surprised hadn't clicked before. She had written a long fic(hyphen)ish thing for her chat peoples about chat peoples and in it the Mary Sue(hyphen)ish character of hers gets it on with the tooooooottttal Mary Sue (Marty Stew) of that boy she's developing a thing for.
The situation she wrote about was not of her own devising (not necessarily) and blah blah, I didn't actually read the fic (tl;dr aka too long; didn't read) but I was like........well, DUH. Of course she's going to be getting it hardcore for a dude she's randomly smutting over.
Wow, just reread that sentence....talk about poor word choice. w/e This is not a chicken/egg question. That egg was sitting there looong before the chicken peaked its head round the corner.
I'm just saying, if you're undecided about whether you want to pursue poultry husbandry as your staring down that egg, prob not the best thing to throw a megawatt incubator lamp over it while you think.
Blarg, anywhooooo. I should be asleep right now.
I've got a a shitton more to do tomorrow.
HOW DID IT GET TO BE THE END OF THE MONTH SO DAMN QUICKLY????
Waaaay too much to do before the calendar officially rolls out the new March release.
Gotta completely finish my old apartment tomorrow. Including cleaning
(I don't wanna!! :| )
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Time warp
I am seriously caught in a time warp today. It is strange how fast time is flying right by.
I suspect a time warp because time is speeding by regardless of when I want it to or not.
As opposed to the norm, where time speeds up when I want it to last, and slows down when I desperately need it to go by.
Everything is taking huge chunks of time away.
The good part of that was that work flew by tonight. Thankfully.
But I found out tonight that the trainer position that I've been waiting for for so long, was posted last Wednesday and tomorrow/today Wednesday is the closing date on it.
Granted, today has only been my second day at work since it was posted.
However, all of us ex-seasonal trainer peoples were speculating endlessly and looking out for one another on the job posting front. I only found out about the posting because E asked me if I'd turned mine in yet. (For what? The trainer position....convo ensues. E says he only mentioned it because he thought I already knew.) Basically, I found out that everyone else under the sun knew about it, has applied for it, and talked about it amongst themselves, but no one told me about it. There was even a little bit there where my brain was going all conspiracy theory because E listed off about 6 or so people who had personally come up to ask him if he'd applied yet, but, again, no one had mentioned a thing to me.
Could this mean they don't want me working with them? Could it be to lessen the competition? Blah blah.
I asked T about it. She said she didn't mention it because she knew I wouldn't get the job anyhow (seeing as some other guy I've never met but T knows applied and she thinks he's a shoe in.) Every time it got brought up she just said, well, he's going to get it. Then I asked her "So you're not even going to apply for it?" "Oh, well, I turned my application in, but I'm not going to get it." Oh well then.
Anyhow, I really wanted to VTO (unpaid time off given at the manager's discretion when there's not enough work to be had) and go home to do my resume but K, the PA, said it absolutely wasn't going to happen.
I spent most all the night at work running through my qualifications and how I would have to rewrite my resume to be geared towards training/teaching experience. I started running through it all, how I've trained people at literally every job I've had, my years of religious school teaching, my approachable personality, etc, and I started getting a bit pumped. I was supremely qualified and this job was made for my talents.
Then as we were leaving I chatted with T again and she totally. bummed. me. out.
It's kinda just the thing she does. Not really intentional, at least towards me. She's one of those, psych yourself out of things so you're never disappointed if you don't get them, sorts.
The problem I had is everything that got brought up was a really good point.
This is the worst part:
TS who swapped with TO half way through peak to be the new learning manager is the one hiring for this position. Normally, it's a benefit for me when any manager I've worked with before is on the hiring crew because they're familiar with my qualities. A lot of what I have to offer as an employee just sounds trite on paper but is true, like never saying no when asked to do things, willingness to learn and help, quick learner, positive personality (95% of the time), trustworthy, self-motivated, work well unsupervised, etc.
Anyhow, in this one particular instance, TS is the only manager I've ever had that I felt I hadn't impressed in some way (Even S from BoA who was an asshole and made me cry one day -and most all the rest of the staff on other days- said he regretted my leaving because he had had to replace me with two tellers on account of how fast I was). In fact, I got the impression that he, TS, doesn't much like me in any way.
Most all of it is situational and I would go into it here but that'd just be a blatant time waster when I should (even now) be working on my resume. But some of it is that he happened to catch me at that 5% of the time when I'm not supremely positive at work. I was in pain, it was hot, and I was stressed to the max trying to figure out this vacation thing to Seattle. I was asking if I could talk to hr about it, he thought I was just trying to get out of working, said no, wrote an email on my behalf which didn't ask the question I was dictating to him. He got annoyed when I persistently repeated this question, and then ultimately, came in on my day off and talked to hr directly about it (which circumstantially could have been seen as going behind his back or above his head or trying for special treatment in some way).
That, and one other incident (involving the entire night learning team), are what I believe put me over the top in his book into definitely don't like territory.
So, I'm a procrastinator by nature in any (and every?) case. It's hard for me to set right down and work on something until it's finished. (Personally, not professionally, go figure.) Now all the wind has been pulled from my sails and I'm just drifting, trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with this thing. How to process it?
Really, I should just f*king write the damn resume and have done with. The rest will happen regardless of whether or not I've processed or prepared for it.
The problem is, it's a hell of a lot of effort to go into something that I now believe may be a sort of fool's errand. All for naught.
But I've wanted this soooo much that it'd be criminal for me to not at least try. Right?
Right?
Ugh.
I suspect a time warp because time is speeding by regardless of when I want it to or not.
As opposed to the norm, where time speeds up when I want it to last, and slows down when I desperately need it to go by.
Everything is taking huge chunks of time away.
The good part of that was that work flew by tonight. Thankfully.
But I found out tonight that the trainer position that I've been waiting for for so long, was posted last Wednesday and tomorrow/today Wednesday is the closing date on it.
Granted, today has only been my second day at work since it was posted.
However, all of us ex-seasonal trainer peoples were speculating endlessly and looking out for one another on the job posting front. I only found out about the posting because E asked me if I'd turned mine in yet. (For what? The trainer position....convo ensues. E says he only mentioned it because he thought I already knew.) Basically, I found out that everyone else under the sun knew about it, has applied for it, and talked about it amongst themselves, but no one told me about it. There was even a little bit there where my brain was going all conspiracy theory because E listed off about 6 or so people who had personally come up to ask him if he'd applied yet, but, again, no one had mentioned a thing to me.
Could this mean they don't want me working with them? Could it be to lessen the competition? Blah blah.
I asked T about it. She said she didn't mention it because she knew I wouldn't get the job anyhow (seeing as some other guy I've never met but T knows applied and she thinks he's a shoe in.) Every time it got brought up she just said, well, he's going to get it. Then I asked her "So you're not even going to apply for it?" "Oh, well, I turned my application in, but I'm not going to get it." Oh well then.
Anyhow, I really wanted to VTO (unpaid time off given at the manager's discretion when there's not enough work to be had) and go home to do my resume but K, the PA, said it absolutely wasn't going to happen.
I spent most all the night at work running through my qualifications and how I would have to rewrite my resume to be geared towards training/teaching experience. I started running through it all, how I've trained people at literally every job I've had, my years of religious school teaching, my approachable personality, etc, and I started getting a bit pumped. I was supremely qualified and this job was made for my talents.
Then as we were leaving I chatted with T again and she totally. bummed. me. out.
It's kinda just the thing she does. Not really intentional, at least towards me. She's one of those, psych yourself out of things so you're never disappointed if you don't get them, sorts.
The problem I had is everything that got brought up was a really good point.
This is the worst part:
TS who swapped with TO half way through peak to be the new learning manager is the one hiring for this position. Normally, it's a benefit for me when any manager I've worked with before is on the hiring crew because they're familiar with my qualities. A lot of what I have to offer as an employee just sounds trite on paper but is true, like never saying no when asked to do things, willingness to learn and help, quick learner, positive personality (95% of the time), trustworthy, self-motivated, work well unsupervised, etc.
Anyhow, in this one particular instance, TS is the only manager I've ever had that I felt I hadn't impressed in some way (Even S from BoA who was an asshole and made me cry one day -and most all the rest of the staff on other days- said he regretted my leaving because he had had to replace me with two tellers on account of how fast I was). In fact, I got the impression that he, TS, doesn't much like me in any way.
Most all of it is situational and I would go into it here but that'd just be a blatant time waster when I should (even now) be working on my resume. But some of it is that he happened to catch me at that 5% of the time when I'm not supremely positive at work. I was in pain, it was hot, and I was stressed to the max trying to figure out this vacation thing to Seattle. I was asking if I could talk to hr about it, he thought I was just trying to get out of working, said no, wrote an email on my behalf which didn't ask the question I was dictating to him. He got annoyed when I persistently repeated this question, and then ultimately, came in on my day off and talked to hr directly about it (which circumstantially could have been seen as going behind his back or above his head or trying for special treatment in some way).
That, and one other incident (involving the entire night learning team), are what I believe put me over the top in his book into definitely don't like territory.
So, I'm a procrastinator by nature in any (and every?) case. It's hard for me to set right down and work on something until it's finished. (Personally, not professionally, go figure.) Now all the wind has been pulled from my sails and I'm just drifting, trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with this thing. How to process it?
Really, I should just f*king write the damn resume and have done with. The rest will happen regardless of whether or not I've processed or prepared for it.
The problem is, it's a hell of a lot of effort to go into something that I now believe may be a sort of fool's errand. All for naught.
But I've wanted this soooo much that it'd be criminal for me to not at least try. Right?
Right?
Ugh.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
en cours de, au milieu de, pendent que
I called off work. I woke up early.
I should even now be in my bedroom pulling out boxes or creating new ones to go over to my new apartment.
Rarrg.
Several weeks ago I said I'd take V to her obgyn appointment. I put it in my phone and everything. We scheduled it for a day when I wasn't working. Then my schedule flip flopped. It was now on a day that I was working, but I assured her I could still take her. Then my phone rang with the alarm to remind me that the appt was upcoming. But I didn't verify the date, having gleefully assumed I knew it to be Tuesday.
Told my boss last night that I would either be late or not come in tomorrow (i.e. today).
Get home, check my calendar, and see V's appt listed as for Mon, not Tues.
Well, that sucks. I wanted to do that with her.
.....
Just called V about the appt and G about the moving thing.
V has still been losing weight like crazy and the docs are worried. So, they've given her one week to gain weight or they're going to hospitalize her. :\ Not really awesome but it may be necessary. She hasn't been wanting to eat and what she has been eating she tosses half the time.
G was confused on what time I went to work. He'd been pushing for me to take stuff over to the new place because he thought I left for work at 6ish. When actually, my shift starts at 6 and I have to leave by 4:45 to be sure to get there on time. But we are going to take some stuff over tonight.
G also told me some more news about Elaina. Apparently the situation is much worse than previously thought and she's going to have a full mastectomy on Fri and they're going to check her lymph nodes for cancer during the procedure. She's also going to have to have either radiation or chemotherapy.
This is a major difference from the original diagnosis of a lumpectomy and no further radiation or chemo type treatment needed.
The movers guy hasn't called me back yet. G said if he hadn't called by 3 to call him. I hope he calls. It's such a weird thing to have as an anxiety but I really really really don't like having to be on the phone with people I don't know. I feel sooo much more confidant and at ease in person or through email.
Blarg.
So, G&V usually get home sometime around 5. That gives me roughly 3 hours to get stuff together to be taken over. I'm sure once I get started it'll be fine. But it's getting that momentum going. You see, I'm really just a product of inertia.
How sad to let the laziest rule of physics run my life. >.<
I also need to finish the email I started to AM. I need to eat sometime soon. I should go clean the litterbox while I'm fussing in the closet anyhow. I need to get the boxes and tape out of my car and replace them with filled boxes.
I think that's mostly it, though.
I mean, there are always a million other things to be done that can and should be.
But I think that's all I need to accomplish in the short term.
I should even now be in my bedroom pulling out boxes or creating new ones to go over to my new apartment.
Rarrg.
Several weeks ago I said I'd take V to her obgyn appointment. I put it in my phone and everything. We scheduled it for a day when I wasn't working. Then my schedule flip flopped. It was now on a day that I was working, but I assured her I could still take her. Then my phone rang with the alarm to remind me that the appt was upcoming. But I didn't verify the date, having gleefully assumed I knew it to be Tuesday.
Told my boss last night that I would either be late or not come in tomorrow (i.e. today).
Get home, check my calendar, and see V's appt listed as for Mon, not Tues.
Well, that sucks. I wanted to do that with her.
.....
Just called V about the appt and G about the moving thing.
V has still been losing weight like crazy and the docs are worried. So, they've given her one week to gain weight or they're going to hospitalize her. :\ Not really awesome but it may be necessary. She hasn't been wanting to eat and what she has been eating she tosses half the time.
G was confused on what time I went to work. He'd been pushing for me to take stuff over to the new place because he thought I left for work at 6ish. When actually, my shift starts at 6 and I have to leave by 4:45 to be sure to get there on time. But we are going to take some stuff over tonight.
G also told me some more news about Elaina. Apparently the situation is much worse than previously thought and she's going to have a full mastectomy on Fri and they're going to check her lymph nodes for cancer during the procedure. She's also going to have to have either radiation or chemotherapy.
This is a major difference from the original diagnosis of a lumpectomy and no further radiation or chemo type treatment needed.
The movers guy hasn't called me back yet. G said if he hadn't called by 3 to call him. I hope he calls. It's such a weird thing to have as an anxiety but I really really really don't like having to be on the phone with people I don't know. I feel sooo much more confidant and at ease in person or through email.
Blarg.
So, G&V usually get home sometime around 5. That gives me roughly 3 hours to get stuff together to be taken over. I'm sure once I get started it'll be fine. But it's getting that momentum going. You see, I'm really just a product of inertia.
How sad to let the laziest rule of physics run my life. >.<
I also need to finish the email I started to AM. I need to eat sometime soon. I should go clean the litterbox while I'm fussing in the closet anyhow. I need to get the boxes and tape out of my car and replace them with filled boxes.
I think that's mostly it, though.
I mean, there are always a million other things to be done that can and should be.
But I think that's all I need to accomplish in the short term.
Monday, February 7, 2011
RetroActive
So, I had every intention of popping on here last night to post. Trying to make a habit of it, you know. But then my body had other ideas and I passed out within an hour of getting home.
I've been doing this flat out pass out thing for a few days now.
I woke up this morning with a headache and my eyes feel swollen....so now I wonder if I'm getting sick.
This would not be ideal, obviously. Got a lot on my plate at the moment.
Last night was the first night of my new shift with my new manager and such. I know J as a manager because my old shift and this one overlap on Wed so I always saw him at least once a week. He strikes me as fair and nice, just like C my previous manager, and there's been nothing to dissuade me from that point of view yet.
I was really loathe and nervous because T had told me (she's also switched shift with me) that the new PA (that's like assistant manager) K had said he was going to put us both to stowing every night. I don't mind the process of stowing, but it is what I was doing when my heat sickness made me go home 3 hrs early. It's soooo hot in the Stow area, and my rate sucks there, too.
Anyway, after standup when everyone went off to their positions, I asked J what I should do and mentioned I ordinarily do prep. So he put me there. Hallelujah. Sooo much less heat and less intense (though the tradeoff is I ache from head to toe after a shift, walk like I'm 90 yrs old, and my feet want to detach and smack me upside the head.) K came over throughout the night and seemed impressed with how I ran things over there ("Damn fine Prep crew") and such.
J came over in the beginning of the night concerned that they were "hemorrhaging hours in prep" because the computer only registers us as having done anything when we complete the last step of the process (receiving the newly prep'd items.) He asked me to get the rate up and I did.
My question now is...how much did I get the rate up? K seemed to think we did an awesome job. J was more mediocre in his assessment.
Ordinarily I don't care that much about this stuff. It changes so much from day to day, where's the point in worrying about it?
But this time.....I really wanted to do a kick ass job so that they'd consider me to be their prep person and I can avoid the hell hole of a stow mod as much as possible.
We'll see how it shakes out tonight. I'm cautiously optimistic though...and I stupidly translated that into wearing jeans instead of shorts tonight. Let's see if I pass out right there on the concrete floor! (Ok, to be honest, the jeans thing has less to do with my optimism and more to do with me not wanting to shave.)
On the plus side of things, my jeans are starting to do the falling down thing, so I may be at the point where I have to go a size down again. This means I'll have hit 4 sizes down since I started really trying to lose weight.
Woke up this morning to a couple patronizing texts from G about the move. (Please support me, not direct me...is that not an obvious thing?) I had already decided to call the movers today (having determined it prob wasn't best to do so on Super Bowl Sunday) but the peevish side of me makes me not want to do when G sends me a text telling me to do so.
It's all just reinforcement of the concept of "If I don't tell her to do it in this way, she won't do it."
I won't deny that that's often the case - mostly in terms of things that only effect (affect? I can't keep those straight sometimes) me. I'm almost always on the ball if it negatively impacts other people.
He also was designating certain days to move more stuff over to my new place before work. I'm not so sure how that's going to work out. Personally, I'd rather make lots of trips on a day off than get less sleep to do one trip on a work day. Also, I panic the whole time that I need to leave or be late for work.
This is part of my long standing tradition of not doing anything before going to work. You sleep in until the last possible moment you need to get up, leaving just enough time to dress, eat, and get yourself to work on time.
Then anything that needs to be done will be done after work.
Blah blah.
AM wrote me back today. :) Well, to be fair, she wrote me back right away to say she was going to write me back more extensively today. So that's like writing back twice. Or maybe one and a half? Anyways, I always like to get emails from her.
I was listening to the music she gave me the other day and one of the songs (Marian Call...I think it was In the Black) aside from being one of the best by that particular artist, set off my guilt trip mechanism like woah.
It's like it was written directly about me or something. >.<
It's about a person who moves away (to be "free") but isn't in good contact with the people s/he left ("We wish we could see you. We thought you might find time to write us now and then"), and then the real kicker is the "we" in the song says "We love you but don't ask us to pretend. Come home if you want a friend."
Anyway, basically the whole thing feels like it really was written specifically about my situation. :(
Ah well. I've always known I was a bad friend, in at least the trappings of it. I care very deeply about people and I want to be there for them when they need me. I'd drop everything to try and help a friend in crisis or anything. I'm great at being there in person. But I've always always always sucked at this long distance keeping in touch thing. I don't really get why.
It doesn't help a lot that I start out assuming all people will get tired of being my friend eventually anyhow. And then I take ridiculous things too personally. Like when I call someone and they're too busy to talk, or even worse, when the convo gets cut short, I always leave that thinking they didn't really want to talk to me anyhow or I'm intruding or an annoyance like a chore that needs to get ticked off the list.
Even in circumstances where I know this is not the case at all, I still get that initial gut reaction of worthlessness. It's terrible of me.
It even happens when I call my Grandmother, who complains that I never call her - thinks I don't really like her because of it, and then, when I do call, after a little bit she wants to get off the phone.
I just want to yell at my brain to cut it out and rewire or reprogram or whatever already.
In the long run, it's maybe better to be the idiot who overextends themselves where they're not wanted, than to be the fool who doesn't reach out where they are wanted and wish to be.
But then I do the former, too. >.<
There is just never a happy medium with me. Never a consistency. At least of positive behaviors.
Oh good lord. I took too much time with this post and now I don't think I have time to respond to AM's email!!! Grah. I should have done that first. I just wanted to try and build the habit of posting more frequently.
Well, at least it's not so troublesome to compose email on my phone. Speaking of which it just buzzed with the "you must leave right now for work" alarm.
Well, I guess phone email it is then. I wish I could type while I drive. Then I'd have an hour a day to do it consistently.
-_-
I've been doing this flat out pass out thing for a few days now.
I woke up this morning with a headache and my eyes feel swollen....so now I wonder if I'm getting sick.
This would not be ideal, obviously. Got a lot on my plate at the moment.
Last night was the first night of my new shift with my new manager and such. I know J as a manager because my old shift and this one overlap on Wed so I always saw him at least once a week. He strikes me as fair and nice, just like C my previous manager, and there's been nothing to dissuade me from that point of view yet.
I was really loathe and nervous because T had told me (she's also switched shift with me) that the new PA (that's like assistant manager) K had said he was going to put us both to stowing every night. I don't mind the process of stowing, but it is what I was doing when my heat sickness made me go home 3 hrs early. It's soooo hot in the Stow area, and my rate sucks there, too.
Anyway, after standup when everyone went off to their positions, I asked J what I should do and mentioned I ordinarily do prep. So he put me there. Hallelujah. Sooo much less heat and less intense (though the tradeoff is I ache from head to toe after a shift, walk like I'm 90 yrs old, and my feet want to detach and smack me upside the head.) K came over throughout the night and seemed impressed with how I ran things over there ("Damn fine Prep crew") and such.
J came over in the beginning of the night concerned that they were "hemorrhaging hours in prep" because the computer only registers us as having done anything when we complete the last step of the process (receiving the newly prep'd items.) He asked me to get the rate up and I did.
My question now is...how much did I get the rate up? K seemed to think we did an awesome job. J was more mediocre in his assessment.
Ordinarily I don't care that much about this stuff. It changes so much from day to day, where's the point in worrying about it?
But this time.....I really wanted to do a kick ass job so that they'd consider me to be their prep person and I can avoid the hell hole of a stow mod as much as possible.
We'll see how it shakes out tonight. I'm cautiously optimistic though...and I stupidly translated that into wearing jeans instead of shorts tonight. Let's see if I pass out right there on the concrete floor! (Ok, to be honest, the jeans thing has less to do with my optimism and more to do with me not wanting to shave.)
On the plus side of things, my jeans are starting to do the falling down thing, so I may be at the point where I have to go a size down again. This means I'll have hit 4 sizes down since I started really trying to lose weight.
Woke up this morning to a couple patronizing texts from G about the move. (Please support me, not direct me...is that not an obvious thing?) I had already decided to call the movers today (having determined it prob wasn't best to do so on Super Bowl Sunday) but the peevish side of me makes me not want to do when G sends me a text telling me to do so.
It's all just reinforcement of the concept of "If I don't tell her to do it in this way, she won't do it."
I won't deny that that's often the case - mostly in terms of things that only effect (affect? I can't keep those straight sometimes) me. I'm almost always on the ball if it negatively impacts other people.
He also was designating certain days to move more stuff over to my new place before work. I'm not so sure how that's going to work out. Personally, I'd rather make lots of trips on a day off than get less sleep to do one trip on a work day. Also, I panic the whole time that I need to leave or be late for work.
This is part of my long standing tradition of not doing anything before going to work. You sleep in until the last possible moment you need to get up, leaving just enough time to dress, eat, and get yourself to work on time.
Then anything that needs to be done will be done after work.
Blah blah.
AM wrote me back today. :) Well, to be fair, she wrote me back right away to say she was going to write me back more extensively today. So that's like writing back twice. Or maybe one and a half? Anyways, I always like to get emails from her.
I was listening to the music she gave me the other day and one of the songs (Marian Call...I think it was In the Black) aside from being one of the best by that particular artist, set off my guilt trip mechanism like woah.
It's like it was written directly about me or something. >.<
It's about a person who moves away (to be "free") but isn't in good contact with the people s/he left ("We wish we could see you. We thought you might find time to write us now and then"), and then the real kicker is the "we" in the song says "We love you but don't ask us to pretend. Come home if you want a friend."
Anyway, basically the whole thing feels like it really was written specifically about my situation. :(
Ah well. I've always known I was a bad friend, in at least the trappings of it. I care very deeply about people and I want to be there for them when they need me. I'd drop everything to try and help a friend in crisis or anything. I'm great at being there in person. But I've always always always sucked at this long distance keeping in touch thing. I don't really get why.
It doesn't help a lot that I start out assuming all people will get tired of being my friend eventually anyhow. And then I take ridiculous things too personally. Like when I call someone and they're too busy to talk, or even worse, when the convo gets cut short, I always leave that thinking they didn't really want to talk to me anyhow or I'm intruding or an annoyance like a chore that needs to get ticked off the list.
Even in circumstances where I know this is not the case at all, I still get that initial gut reaction of worthlessness. It's terrible of me.
It even happens when I call my Grandmother, who complains that I never call her - thinks I don't really like her because of it, and then, when I do call, after a little bit she wants to get off the phone.
I just want to yell at my brain to cut it out and rewire or reprogram or whatever already.
In the long run, it's maybe better to be the idiot who overextends themselves where they're not wanted, than to be the fool who doesn't reach out where they are wanted and wish to be.
But then I do the former, too. >.<
There is just never a happy medium with me. Never a consistency. At least of positive behaviors.
Oh good lord. I took too much time with this post and now I don't think I have time to respond to AM's email!!! Grah. I should have done that first. I just wanted to try and build the habit of posting more frequently.
Well, at least it's not so troublesome to compose email on my phone. Speaking of which it just buzzed with the "you must leave right now for work" alarm.
Well, I guess phone email it is then. I wish I could type while I drive. Then I'd have an hour a day to do it consistently.
-_-
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