update on the psychosis

oh, hey, guys........................
by the way.............
apparently, this is all on me.

not surprising really.

So what if it makes me feel really bitter, but Al does have a good point on the matter:
She never said she would hang out tonight. Just that she thought she might.

And if I didn't feel like dog shit before, realizing she's right about that, and that she's right about allllll the underlying implied statements there, too, brings that right back.

I was 100 percent like: Shit, I just assumed here, didn't I. I just pushed myself on her. She never said she actually wanted to spend time together tonight.

But now I don't think that's actually all accurate. She genuinely was just more interested in talking to her online chat friends tonight than doing our thing. Because she did say she was just going to pop in to say she wasn't going to be in their chat tonight because she was going to do our thing.
But instead, she came back to me and said, she was going to do chat, but if I wanted to wait for her to be done talking with them, then she'd spend some time with me.

I don't think that's the same thing at all. But w/e I did push her to want to hang out tonight when she said she didn't feel like talking to the other people. MY MISTAKE guys.

Seriously, though. I probably should have seen that coming. They are all still shiny and new, and they have trumped me every time so far, sooooo...

Brain freaks out and blah blah blah....long story short,
I completely feel like crawling back into my little hole for a couple weeks.
Not like it's any different anyhow.

But hey, probably this is the upswing. Feeling petty, angsty, and annoyed, and peeved, and upset, and taken for granted is a vast improvement, because all of those emotions require an underlying implication of self worth that is being crushed/ignored/trespassed/etc.

So, given that, probably, tomorrow I will be on even keel again. Embarrassed and appalled for not having been a better person to begin with.
I won't care about Al not wanting to talk on one of the few nights its even possible for us to talk anymore.
It was stupid to even ask, because it's been established for months now that Saturdays do not belong to me, and that was okay before, and it will be okay again in the future.

There will still be an issue in overcoming the part where for howeverlong my reptilian brain decides, in order to "protect" myself from such future events,  I will default to assume that any plans, even "definite" ones, are not meant, and the phrase "so I wanted to talk to you" means "So I thought I might be bored but if something else comes along forget that previous statement" with the obvious exception of "I have something to get off my chest so we can talk, just please limit your side to 10 drama free minutes."

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo unfairly bitter. Me, that is.

I am a bad person/friend/companion/everything. So please pack your bags and leave now.

blah.

This is exactly the kind of stuff I try to keep locked up to fester for months at a time inside my brain. Because as helpful as it is for me to see it written out, analyze it, and start the process of rejecting it..............as useful as that is for me, I know the people who would see this can't help but judge me for it. Can't help but lower myself a notch in their estimation.
And I can't blame them at all.
And that's another notch I'll have to pull myself back up, slowly, painfully, and perhaps, unsuccessfully.
I never did have much upper body strength.
Al will read this some day and get pissed and dislike me for a time.
If Amanda reads this, that could be even worse. How obviously petty it must be to a third party observer, and I've given her a million reasons to walk away already. Been really worried that that's already happening.
And Marisa.......god. I don't think she reads this blog and that's a good thing. I don't think there's much I could do to be lower in her estimation. Not really as a person, she's so much better than that, but as someone she does not want in her daughters' lives. What a great escape, Kaleena! Good job! A plus plus.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over the fear of driving everyone in my life that I care about away. And I can't but plainly see that I'll never be worthy of that affection unless I do get beyond that.
The catch 22 that is ruining my life.
Because I can't stand up and say it's wrong for them to do so.

This is exactly the kind of post that should never be posted. It's too much to ask to dump the burden of all this crazy onto another person. Even in cyberspace.

And what right do I have to complain at all.