So, wow. A very full day.
Got soooooo little sleep because I am a 'tard. (Used in an exaggerated figurative sense here, Palin.)
Anywhoo, V is mixing meds (hyphen...too damn lazy to get back up and walk across the room for my usb keyboard or to open and copypasta from character map) but not in a bad doc unapproved way.
She randomly got recommended these over the counter nausea pills intended for sea sickness/motion sickness and that combined with the constant pump of her prescription stuff (fanny pack is still a go) has lead to something of a miracle (hyphen, or in this sense it'd be just as grammatically correct to use colons. Yet, I prefer the hyphen. Poor, sad, lonely, overlooked colons.) V has gained 2 lbs.
Also, she's eating again. Mostly cooked pasta with nothing on it, or toast with nothing on it, or rice with nothing on...oh, you get the idea. But food! nonetheless. This is excellent progress.
Got to hear the baby's heartbeat at the doc apt I drove her to this morning. Not that I haven't heard that sound before, but it was really cool to experience in person. This woosh woosh woosh sound like pulsating waves. A very calming sound, I thought.
Played Maj. Lost $2. V doubled her money. What else is new there? lol. I've yet to come out of a Mah jong day ahead, I think. But it is a terribly fun game and I'm really determined to teach AC and AM (at least?) how to play it one of these days. The Jewish version I mean. Not the funky random solitare game that comes in old computer game packs which I'm sure they already know, or the Chinese version which has no set hands.
Mah Jong tiles are like a really pretty (and less portable) deck of cards (with three main numbered suits: Cracks, Bams, & Dots and then there's the sorta special or secondary groups of tiles of Winds, Flowers, & Dragons. So, more like a tarot deck than a playing card deck in that one way.) That's actually a pretty perfect analogy. It explains how the three game versions use the same tiles but are played completely differently.
The Chinese version is something akin to gin rummy (almost exactly gin rummy actually) whereas the Jewish version is almost perfectly akin to poker. There are set hands you have to make, only in Maj, only one person can ever make a hand in a round because as soon as you do, that's Maj, you won, round over, you get paid, tiles are shuffled and redealt. And the other major difference is that the card with the set hands are changed every year.
Anyway, I'm trailing off into la la land here, which is actually what I've been doing all day and lead to the title of the post. Because how I ended my day (aside from sitting here on my couch updating my blog right now) is sorting through a box of old and older photos and papers.
The detritus of human life.
Ah, nostalgia, how well I know thee.
Found my high school diploma too, ahem ahem.
After having determinedly declaring that I was completely positive I didn't have it and Dad must have lost it somewhere along the way and was just not bothering to look for it.
Whoops?
My fault for putting one (1) random solitary box of papers in the hall closet that I never open instead of with th rest of the lot of boxes.
There's also the pic of me getting my diploma. Which I had never seen before.
Ok, so in between Maj and Memory Lane, G helped me take apart my totally awesome but really heavy entertainment center and then put it all back together again at my new place. Then we went to the store, I bought a wireless router, and we hooked that up at my place (G wouldn't let me name my network Sailor Moon. I might change it when I'm feeling less tired and lazy. But I think Silver Millennium is a more appropriate name.)
We had the tv on comedy central in the background and this one Dane Cook special came on and G mentioned that he and V had been chosen for free tickets and they were there at that taping. I called shenanigans so G paused the intro on the crowd and woah, right there was V and G. Pretty crazy.
V and G are starting to come up with potential boys names now, since they've already got the girl name chosen. I sense it'll be a long road to agreement on the boy's names though. All thanks to Ben being off the table already.
G offered up Leonardo. My gut reaction was "Hellz nah". But then I thought it's not so bad. Da Vinci is cool and ninja turtles for the win. V was surprised I was so easily able to pick out the reasons why G had suggested the name, but that's just common childhood stuff. You make the same connections easily.
V was all "I'm not having my kid named after the ninja turtles!" To which G suggested "Leonardo Michaelangelo" lawl. What a totally awful name that would be.
When I clicked through my blog links to check for updates, I saw AC's newest couple posts and I had a sudden insight/realization/noduh that I'm surprised hadn't clicked before. She had written a long fic(hyphen)ish thing for her chat peoples about chat peoples and in it the Mary Sue(hyphen)ish character of hers gets it on with the tooooooottttal Mary Sue (Marty Stew) of that boy she's developing a thing for.
The situation she wrote about was not of her own devising (not necessarily) and blah blah, I didn't actually read the fic (tl;dr aka too long; didn't read) but I was like........well, DUH. Of course she's going to be getting it hardcore for a dude she's randomly smutting over.
Wow, just reread that sentence....talk about poor word choice. w/e This is not a chicken/egg question. That egg was sitting there looong before the chicken peaked its head round the corner.
I'm just saying, if you're undecided about whether you want to pursue poultry husbandry as your staring down that egg, prob not the best thing to throw a megawatt incubator lamp over it while you think.
Blarg, anywhooooo. I should be asleep right now.
I've got a a shitton more to do tomorrow.
HOW DID IT GET TO BE THE END OF THE MONTH SO DAMN QUICKLY????
Waaaay too much to do before the calendar officially rolls out the new March release.
Gotta completely finish my old apartment tomorrow. Including cleaning
(I don't wanna!! :| )
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Time warp
I am seriously caught in a time warp today. It is strange how fast time is flying right by.
I suspect a time warp because time is speeding by regardless of when I want it to or not.
As opposed to the norm, where time speeds up when I want it to last, and slows down when I desperately need it to go by.
Everything is taking huge chunks of time away.
The good part of that was that work flew by tonight. Thankfully.
But I found out tonight that the trainer position that I've been waiting for for so long, was posted last Wednesday and tomorrow/today Wednesday is the closing date on it.
Granted, today has only been my second day at work since it was posted.
However, all of us ex-seasonal trainer peoples were speculating endlessly and looking out for one another on the job posting front. I only found out about the posting because E asked me if I'd turned mine in yet. (For what? The trainer position....convo ensues. E says he only mentioned it because he thought I already knew.) Basically, I found out that everyone else under the sun knew about it, has applied for it, and talked about it amongst themselves, but no one told me about it. There was even a little bit there where my brain was going all conspiracy theory because E listed off about 6 or so people who had personally come up to ask him if he'd applied yet, but, again, no one had mentioned a thing to me.
Could this mean they don't want me working with them? Could it be to lessen the competition? Blah blah.
I asked T about it. She said she didn't mention it because she knew I wouldn't get the job anyhow (seeing as some other guy I've never met but T knows applied and she thinks he's a shoe in.) Every time it got brought up she just said, well, he's going to get it. Then I asked her "So you're not even going to apply for it?" "Oh, well, I turned my application in, but I'm not going to get it." Oh well then.
Anyhow, I really wanted to VTO (unpaid time off given at the manager's discretion when there's not enough work to be had) and go home to do my resume but K, the PA, said it absolutely wasn't going to happen.
I spent most all the night at work running through my qualifications and how I would have to rewrite my resume to be geared towards training/teaching experience. I started running through it all, how I've trained people at literally every job I've had, my years of religious school teaching, my approachable personality, etc, and I started getting a bit pumped. I was supremely qualified and this job was made for my talents.
Then as we were leaving I chatted with T again and she totally. bummed. me. out.
It's kinda just the thing she does. Not really intentional, at least towards me. She's one of those, psych yourself out of things so you're never disappointed if you don't get them, sorts.
The problem I had is everything that got brought up was a really good point.
This is the worst part:
TS who swapped with TO half way through peak to be the new learning manager is the one hiring for this position. Normally, it's a benefit for me when any manager I've worked with before is on the hiring crew because they're familiar with my qualities. A lot of what I have to offer as an employee just sounds trite on paper but is true, like never saying no when asked to do things, willingness to learn and help, quick learner, positive personality (95% of the time), trustworthy, self-motivated, work well unsupervised, etc.
Anyhow, in this one particular instance, TS is the only manager I've ever had that I felt I hadn't impressed in some way (Even S from BoA who was an asshole and made me cry one day -and most all the rest of the staff on other days- said he regretted my leaving because he had had to replace me with two tellers on account of how fast I was). In fact, I got the impression that he, TS, doesn't much like me in any way.
Most all of it is situational and I would go into it here but that'd just be a blatant time waster when I should (even now) be working on my resume. But some of it is that he happened to catch me at that 5% of the time when I'm not supremely positive at work. I was in pain, it was hot, and I was stressed to the max trying to figure out this vacation thing to Seattle. I was asking if I could talk to hr about it, he thought I was just trying to get out of working, said no, wrote an email on my behalf which didn't ask the question I was dictating to him. He got annoyed when I persistently repeated this question, and then ultimately, came in on my day off and talked to hr directly about it (which circumstantially could have been seen as going behind his back or above his head or trying for special treatment in some way).
That, and one other incident (involving the entire night learning team), are what I believe put me over the top in his book into definitely don't like territory.
So, I'm a procrastinator by nature in any (and every?) case. It's hard for me to set right down and work on something until it's finished. (Personally, not professionally, go figure.) Now all the wind has been pulled from my sails and I'm just drifting, trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with this thing. How to process it?
Really, I should just f*king write the damn resume and have done with. The rest will happen regardless of whether or not I've processed or prepared for it.
The problem is, it's a hell of a lot of effort to go into something that I now believe may be a sort of fool's errand. All for naught.
But I've wanted this soooo much that it'd be criminal for me to not at least try. Right?
Right?
Ugh.
I suspect a time warp because time is speeding by regardless of when I want it to or not.
As opposed to the norm, where time speeds up when I want it to last, and slows down when I desperately need it to go by.
Everything is taking huge chunks of time away.
The good part of that was that work flew by tonight. Thankfully.
But I found out tonight that the trainer position that I've been waiting for for so long, was posted last Wednesday and tomorrow/today Wednesday is the closing date on it.
Granted, today has only been my second day at work since it was posted.
However, all of us ex-seasonal trainer peoples were speculating endlessly and looking out for one another on the job posting front. I only found out about the posting because E asked me if I'd turned mine in yet. (For what? The trainer position....convo ensues. E says he only mentioned it because he thought I already knew.) Basically, I found out that everyone else under the sun knew about it, has applied for it, and talked about it amongst themselves, but no one told me about it. There was even a little bit there where my brain was going all conspiracy theory because E listed off about 6 or so people who had personally come up to ask him if he'd applied yet, but, again, no one had mentioned a thing to me.
Could this mean they don't want me working with them? Could it be to lessen the competition? Blah blah.
I asked T about it. She said she didn't mention it because she knew I wouldn't get the job anyhow (seeing as some other guy I've never met but T knows applied and she thinks he's a shoe in.) Every time it got brought up she just said, well, he's going to get it. Then I asked her "So you're not even going to apply for it?" "Oh, well, I turned my application in, but I'm not going to get it." Oh well then.
Anyhow, I really wanted to VTO (unpaid time off given at the manager's discretion when there's not enough work to be had) and go home to do my resume but K, the PA, said it absolutely wasn't going to happen.
I spent most all the night at work running through my qualifications and how I would have to rewrite my resume to be geared towards training/teaching experience. I started running through it all, how I've trained people at literally every job I've had, my years of religious school teaching, my approachable personality, etc, and I started getting a bit pumped. I was supremely qualified and this job was made for my talents.
Then as we were leaving I chatted with T again and she totally. bummed. me. out.
It's kinda just the thing she does. Not really intentional, at least towards me. She's one of those, psych yourself out of things so you're never disappointed if you don't get them, sorts.
The problem I had is everything that got brought up was a really good point.
This is the worst part:
TS who swapped with TO half way through peak to be the new learning manager is the one hiring for this position. Normally, it's a benefit for me when any manager I've worked with before is on the hiring crew because they're familiar with my qualities. A lot of what I have to offer as an employee just sounds trite on paper but is true, like never saying no when asked to do things, willingness to learn and help, quick learner, positive personality (95% of the time), trustworthy, self-motivated, work well unsupervised, etc.
Anyhow, in this one particular instance, TS is the only manager I've ever had that I felt I hadn't impressed in some way (Even S from BoA who was an asshole and made me cry one day -and most all the rest of the staff on other days- said he regretted my leaving because he had had to replace me with two tellers on account of how fast I was). In fact, I got the impression that he, TS, doesn't much like me in any way.
Most all of it is situational and I would go into it here but that'd just be a blatant time waster when I should (even now) be working on my resume. But some of it is that he happened to catch me at that 5% of the time when I'm not supremely positive at work. I was in pain, it was hot, and I was stressed to the max trying to figure out this vacation thing to Seattle. I was asking if I could talk to hr about it, he thought I was just trying to get out of working, said no, wrote an email on my behalf which didn't ask the question I was dictating to him. He got annoyed when I persistently repeated this question, and then ultimately, came in on my day off and talked to hr directly about it (which circumstantially could have been seen as going behind his back or above his head or trying for special treatment in some way).
That, and one other incident (involving the entire night learning team), are what I believe put me over the top in his book into definitely don't like territory.
So, I'm a procrastinator by nature in any (and every?) case. It's hard for me to set right down and work on something until it's finished. (Personally, not professionally, go figure.) Now all the wind has been pulled from my sails and I'm just drifting, trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with this thing. How to process it?
Really, I should just f*king write the damn resume and have done with. The rest will happen regardless of whether or not I've processed or prepared for it.
The problem is, it's a hell of a lot of effort to go into something that I now believe may be a sort of fool's errand. All for naught.
But I've wanted this soooo much that it'd be criminal for me to not at least try. Right?
Right?
Ugh.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
en cours de, au milieu de, pendent que
I called off work. I woke up early.
I should even now be in my bedroom pulling out boxes or creating new ones to go over to my new apartment.
Rarrg.
Several weeks ago I said I'd take V to her obgyn appointment. I put it in my phone and everything. We scheduled it for a day when I wasn't working. Then my schedule flip flopped. It was now on a day that I was working, but I assured her I could still take her. Then my phone rang with the alarm to remind me that the appt was upcoming. But I didn't verify the date, having gleefully assumed I knew it to be Tuesday.
Told my boss last night that I would either be late or not come in tomorrow (i.e. today).
Get home, check my calendar, and see V's appt listed as for Mon, not Tues.
Well, that sucks. I wanted to do that with her.
.....
Just called V about the appt and G about the moving thing.
V has still been losing weight like crazy and the docs are worried. So, they've given her one week to gain weight or they're going to hospitalize her. :\ Not really awesome but it may be necessary. She hasn't been wanting to eat and what she has been eating she tosses half the time.
G was confused on what time I went to work. He'd been pushing for me to take stuff over to the new place because he thought I left for work at 6ish. When actually, my shift starts at 6 and I have to leave by 4:45 to be sure to get there on time. But we are going to take some stuff over tonight.
G also told me some more news about Elaina. Apparently the situation is much worse than previously thought and she's going to have a full mastectomy on Fri and they're going to check her lymph nodes for cancer during the procedure. She's also going to have to have either radiation or chemotherapy.
This is a major difference from the original diagnosis of a lumpectomy and no further radiation or chemo type treatment needed.
The movers guy hasn't called me back yet. G said if he hadn't called by 3 to call him. I hope he calls. It's such a weird thing to have as an anxiety but I really really really don't like having to be on the phone with people I don't know. I feel sooo much more confidant and at ease in person or through email.
Blarg.
So, G&V usually get home sometime around 5. That gives me roughly 3 hours to get stuff together to be taken over. I'm sure once I get started it'll be fine. But it's getting that momentum going. You see, I'm really just a product of inertia.
How sad to let the laziest rule of physics run my life. >.<
I also need to finish the email I started to AM. I need to eat sometime soon. I should go clean the litterbox while I'm fussing in the closet anyhow. I need to get the boxes and tape out of my car and replace them with filled boxes.
I think that's mostly it, though.
I mean, there are always a million other things to be done that can and should be.
But I think that's all I need to accomplish in the short term.
I should even now be in my bedroom pulling out boxes or creating new ones to go over to my new apartment.
Rarrg.
Several weeks ago I said I'd take V to her obgyn appointment. I put it in my phone and everything. We scheduled it for a day when I wasn't working. Then my schedule flip flopped. It was now on a day that I was working, but I assured her I could still take her. Then my phone rang with the alarm to remind me that the appt was upcoming. But I didn't verify the date, having gleefully assumed I knew it to be Tuesday.
Told my boss last night that I would either be late or not come in tomorrow (i.e. today).
Get home, check my calendar, and see V's appt listed as for Mon, not Tues.
Well, that sucks. I wanted to do that with her.
.....
Just called V about the appt and G about the moving thing.
V has still been losing weight like crazy and the docs are worried. So, they've given her one week to gain weight or they're going to hospitalize her. :\ Not really awesome but it may be necessary. She hasn't been wanting to eat and what she has been eating she tosses half the time.
G was confused on what time I went to work. He'd been pushing for me to take stuff over to the new place because he thought I left for work at 6ish. When actually, my shift starts at 6 and I have to leave by 4:45 to be sure to get there on time. But we are going to take some stuff over tonight.
G also told me some more news about Elaina. Apparently the situation is much worse than previously thought and she's going to have a full mastectomy on Fri and they're going to check her lymph nodes for cancer during the procedure. She's also going to have to have either radiation or chemotherapy.
This is a major difference from the original diagnosis of a lumpectomy and no further radiation or chemo type treatment needed.
The movers guy hasn't called me back yet. G said if he hadn't called by 3 to call him. I hope he calls. It's such a weird thing to have as an anxiety but I really really really don't like having to be on the phone with people I don't know. I feel sooo much more confidant and at ease in person or through email.
Blarg.
So, G&V usually get home sometime around 5. That gives me roughly 3 hours to get stuff together to be taken over. I'm sure once I get started it'll be fine. But it's getting that momentum going. You see, I'm really just a product of inertia.
How sad to let the laziest rule of physics run my life. >.<
I also need to finish the email I started to AM. I need to eat sometime soon. I should go clean the litterbox while I'm fussing in the closet anyhow. I need to get the boxes and tape out of my car and replace them with filled boxes.
I think that's mostly it, though.
I mean, there are always a million other things to be done that can and should be.
But I think that's all I need to accomplish in the short term.
Monday, February 7, 2011
RetroActive
So, I had every intention of popping on here last night to post. Trying to make a habit of it, you know. But then my body had other ideas and I passed out within an hour of getting home.
I've been doing this flat out pass out thing for a few days now.
I woke up this morning with a headache and my eyes feel swollen....so now I wonder if I'm getting sick.
This would not be ideal, obviously. Got a lot on my plate at the moment.
Last night was the first night of my new shift with my new manager and such. I know J as a manager because my old shift and this one overlap on Wed so I always saw him at least once a week. He strikes me as fair and nice, just like C my previous manager, and there's been nothing to dissuade me from that point of view yet.
I was really loathe and nervous because T had told me (she's also switched shift with me) that the new PA (that's like assistant manager) K had said he was going to put us both to stowing every night. I don't mind the process of stowing, but it is what I was doing when my heat sickness made me go home 3 hrs early. It's soooo hot in the Stow area, and my rate sucks there, too.
Anyway, after standup when everyone went off to their positions, I asked J what I should do and mentioned I ordinarily do prep. So he put me there. Hallelujah. Sooo much less heat and less intense (though the tradeoff is I ache from head to toe after a shift, walk like I'm 90 yrs old, and my feet want to detach and smack me upside the head.) K came over throughout the night and seemed impressed with how I ran things over there ("Damn fine Prep crew") and such.
J came over in the beginning of the night concerned that they were "hemorrhaging hours in prep" because the computer only registers us as having done anything when we complete the last step of the process (receiving the newly prep'd items.) He asked me to get the rate up and I did.
My question now is...how much did I get the rate up? K seemed to think we did an awesome job. J was more mediocre in his assessment.
Ordinarily I don't care that much about this stuff. It changes so much from day to day, where's the point in worrying about it?
But this time.....I really wanted to do a kick ass job so that they'd consider me to be their prep person and I can avoid the hell hole of a stow mod as much as possible.
We'll see how it shakes out tonight. I'm cautiously optimistic though...and I stupidly translated that into wearing jeans instead of shorts tonight. Let's see if I pass out right there on the concrete floor! (Ok, to be honest, the jeans thing has less to do with my optimism and more to do with me not wanting to shave.)
On the plus side of things, my jeans are starting to do the falling down thing, so I may be at the point where I have to go a size down again. This means I'll have hit 4 sizes down since I started really trying to lose weight.
Woke up this morning to a couple patronizing texts from G about the move. (Please support me, not direct me...is that not an obvious thing?) I had already decided to call the movers today (having determined it prob wasn't best to do so on Super Bowl Sunday) but the peevish side of me makes me not want to do when G sends me a text telling me to do so.
It's all just reinforcement of the concept of "If I don't tell her to do it in this way, she won't do it."
I won't deny that that's often the case - mostly in terms of things that only effect (affect? I can't keep those straight sometimes) me. I'm almost always on the ball if it negatively impacts other people.
He also was designating certain days to move more stuff over to my new place before work. I'm not so sure how that's going to work out. Personally, I'd rather make lots of trips on a day off than get less sleep to do one trip on a work day. Also, I panic the whole time that I need to leave or be late for work.
This is part of my long standing tradition of not doing anything before going to work. You sleep in until the last possible moment you need to get up, leaving just enough time to dress, eat, and get yourself to work on time.
Then anything that needs to be done will be done after work.
Blah blah.
AM wrote me back today. :) Well, to be fair, she wrote me back right away to say she was going to write me back more extensively today. So that's like writing back twice. Or maybe one and a half? Anyways, I always like to get emails from her.
I was listening to the music she gave me the other day and one of the songs (Marian Call...I think it was In the Black) aside from being one of the best by that particular artist, set off my guilt trip mechanism like woah.
It's like it was written directly about me or something. >.<
It's about a person who moves away (to be "free") but isn't in good contact with the people s/he left ("We wish we could see you. We thought you might find time to write us now and then"), and then the real kicker is the "we" in the song says "We love you but don't ask us to pretend. Come home if you want a friend."
Anyway, basically the whole thing feels like it really was written specifically about my situation. :(
Ah well. I've always known I was a bad friend, in at least the trappings of it. I care very deeply about people and I want to be there for them when they need me. I'd drop everything to try and help a friend in crisis or anything. I'm great at being there in person. But I've always always always sucked at this long distance keeping in touch thing. I don't really get why.
It doesn't help a lot that I start out assuming all people will get tired of being my friend eventually anyhow. And then I take ridiculous things too personally. Like when I call someone and they're too busy to talk, or even worse, when the convo gets cut short, I always leave that thinking they didn't really want to talk to me anyhow or I'm intruding or an annoyance like a chore that needs to get ticked off the list.
Even in circumstances where I know this is not the case at all, I still get that initial gut reaction of worthlessness. It's terrible of me.
It even happens when I call my Grandmother, who complains that I never call her - thinks I don't really like her because of it, and then, when I do call, after a little bit she wants to get off the phone.
I just want to yell at my brain to cut it out and rewire or reprogram or whatever already.
In the long run, it's maybe better to be the idiot who overextends themselves where they're not wanted, than to be the fool who doesn't reach out where they are wanted and wish to be.
But then I do the former, too. >.<
There is just never a happy medium with me. Never a consistency. At least of positive behaviors.
Oh good lord. I took too much time with this post and now I don't think I have time to respond to AM's email!!! Grah. I should have done that first. I just wanted to try and build the habit of posting more frequently.
Well, at least it's not so troublesome to compose email on my phone. Speaking of which it just buzzed with the "you must leave right now for work" alarm.
Well, I guess phone email it is then. I wish I could type while I drive. Then I'd have an hour a day to do it consistently.
-_-
I've been doing this flat out pass out thing for a few days now.
I woke up this morning with a headache and my eyes feel swollen....so now I wonder if I'm getting sick.
This would not be ideal, obviously. Got a lot on my plate at the moment.
Last night was the first night of my new shift with my new manager and such. I know J as a manager because my old shift and this one overlap on Wed so I always saw him at least once a week. He strikes me as fair and nice, just like C my previous manager, and there's been nothing to dissuade me from that point of view yet.
I was really loathe and nervous because T had told me (she's also switched shift with me) that the new PA (that's like assistant manager) K had said he was going to put us both to stowing every night. I don't mind the process of stowing, but it is what I was doing when my heat sickness made me go home 3 hrs early. It's soooo hot in the Stow area, and my rate sucks there, too.
Anyway, after standup when everyone went off to their positions, I asked J what I should do and mentioned I ordinarily do prep. So he put me there. Hallelujah. Sooo much less heat and less intense (though the tradeoff is I ache from head to toe after a shift, walk like I'm 90 yrs old, and my feet want to detach and smack me upside the head.) K came over throughout the night and seemed impressed with how I ran things over there ("Damn fine Prep crew") and such.
J came over in the beginning of the night concerned that they were "hemorrhaging hours in prep" because the computer only registers us as having done anything when we complete the last step of the process (receiving the newly prep'd items.) He asked me to get the rate up and I did.
My question now is...how much did I get the rate up? K seemed to think we did an awesome job. J was more mediocre in his assessment.
Ordinarily I don't care that much about this stuff. It changes so much from day to day, where's the point in worrying about it?
But this time.....I really wanted to do a kick ass job so that they'd consider me to be their prep person and I can avoid the hell hole of a stow mod as much as possible.
We'll see how it shakes out tonight. I'm cautiously optimistic though...and I stupidly translated that into wearing jeans instead of shorts tonight. Let's see if I pass out right there on the concrete floor! (Ok, to be honest, the jeans thing has less to do with my optimism and more to do with me not wanting to shave.)
On the plus side of things, my jeans are starting to do the falling down thing, so I may be at the point where I have to go a size down again. This means I'll have hit 4 sizes down since I started really trying to lose weight.
Woke up this morning to a couple patronizing texts from G about the move. (Please support me, not direct me...is that not an obvious thing?) I had already decided to call the movers today (having determined it prob wasn't best to do so on Super Bowl Sunday) but the peevish side of me makes me not want to do when G sends me a text telling me to do so.
It's all just reinforcement of the concept of "If I don't tell her to do it in this way, she won't do it."
I won't deny that that's often the case - mostly in terms of things that only effect (affect? I can't keep those straight sometimes) me. I'm almost always on the ball if it negatively impacts other people.
He also was designating certain days to move more stuff over to my new place before work. I'm not so sure how that's going to work out. Personally, I'd rather make lots of trips on a day off than get less sleep to do one trip on a work day. Also, I panic the whole time that I need to leave or be late for work.
This is part of my long standing tradition of not doing anything before going to work. You sleep in until the last possible moment you need to get up, leaving just enough time to dress, eat, and get yourself to work on time.
Then anything that needs to be done will be done after work.
Blah blah.
AM wrote me back today. :) Well, to be fair, she wrote me back right away to say she was going to write me back more extensively today. So that's like writing back twice. Or maybe one and a half? Anyways, I always like to get emails from her.
I was listening to the music she gave me the other day and one of the songs (Marian Call...I think it was In the Black) aside from being one of the best by that particular artist, set off my guilt trip mechanism like woah.
It's like it was written directly about me or something. >.<
It's about a person who moves away (to be "free") but isn't in good contact with the people s/he left ("We wish we could see you. We thought you might find time to write us now and then"), and then the real kicker is the "we" in the song says "We love you but don't ask us to pretend. Come home if you want a friend."
Anyway, basically the whole thing feels like it really was written specifically about my situation. :(
Ah well. I've always known I was a bad friend, in at least the trappings of it. I care very deeply about people and I want to be there for them when they need me. I'd drop everything to try and help a friend in crisis or anything. I'm great at being there in person. But I've always always always sucked at this long distance keeping in touch thing. I don't really get why.
It doesn't help a lot that I start out assuming all people will get tired of being my friend eventually anyhow. And then I take ridiculous things too personally. Like when I call someone and they're too busy to talk, or even worse, when the convo gets cut short, I always leave that thinking they didn't really want to talk to me anyhow or I'm intruding or an annoyance like a chore that needs to get ticked off the list.
Even in circumstances where I know this is not the case at all, I still get that initial gut reaction of worthlessness. It's terrible of me.
It even happens when I call my Grandmother, who complains that I never call her - thinks I don't really like her because of it, and then, when I do call, after a little bit she wants to get off the phone.
I just want to yell at my brain to cut it out and rewire or reprogram or whatever already.
In the long run, it's maybe better to be the idiot who overextends themselves where they're not wanted, than to be the fool who doesn't reach out where they are wanted and wish to be.
But then I do the former, too. >.<
There is just never a happy medium with me. Never a consistency. At least of positive behaviors.
Oh good lord. I took too much time with this post and now I don't think I have time to respond to AM's email!!! Grah. I should have done that first. I just wanted to try and build the habit of posting more frequently.
Well, at least it's not so troublesome to compose email on my phone. Speaking of which it just buzzed with the "you must leave right now for work" alarm.
Well, I guess phone email it is then. I wish I could type while I drive. Then I'd have an hour a day to do it consistently.
-_-
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Do Not Want
What the hell is this shit?!
I was feeling more or less fine earlier.
Yeah, I know I was complaining about trifles and off handed remarks from G & V, but no biggie. As I said, I'd been handling it much better than usual.
I had too much coffee, not unsurprisingly, so I've been kinda shaking a bit for the last 3 hours. Not like in a weird caffeine high way, more in a holy crap it's cold outside, this window saps the heat from me, and when it's late and I've had coffee I lose the ability to properly regulate my internal temperature way.
Anyway, I'm pissed now because I feel like crap. Or at least the anger is washing over to replace the previous utter suckitude.
Why? AC was online, despite the crazy late hour. I sent her an im. Then........nothing. No response.
As soon as the message was sent the little status text above it said she was typing, then said she stopped. So it was clear that she was awake, at her comp, and choosing to ignore me.
This naturally saddened me. I wondered if she was updating her lj as she randomly has been doing recently. Okay, not so randomly, it has to do with the Avatar group she's been obsessing over. Lj is their meet place and when she updates there she's engaging in convo with them, basically.
When I discovered them, she invited me to read all her posts, which I knew I would do (and she must have too) if only out of sheer curiosity. I knew it was a bad idea going into it, but I did it anyhow. It could not be prevented.
Supah depressing. Hate hate hate. I don't like that stuff in general but then it's like...
frustrating and maddening and depressing and most of all terrifying all wrapped up into one big ball of suck.
In other words, hard to swallow.
When we had our little mini half fight thing, as part of her tirade she mentioned me "freaking out that [she's] hanging out with new friends all the time and replacing [me]." I was like....where did that come from, aside from it reasonably being something I've much been concerned with in the past. But in this particular instance, I'd not mentioned it, nor even thought about it. I thought AC was ignoring me for some reason or ignoring everybody for no reason. It never occurred to me that she was in the process of replacing me or anything.
......Never occurred to me until I read her lj.
I hate that feeling and being pulled in by it. But no matter. Nothing I could do about it if it was the case anyhow. I know from experience that AC is a bit like a fish out of water...the tighter you try to hold on the more she wiggles and slips away. Besides, aside from the initial gut punch these things give me, they almost always turn out to be relatively nothing in the long run.
Felt a little better after AC im'd me back to tell me Avatar chat thing is the reason she was ignoring me. Felt a little better after reading through all her posts and seeing she really had only started updating recently. So it wasn't like there was a huge building secret between us or some such nonsense.
That's not to say I particularly like the whole thing. Her not telling me jack squat and instead choosing to share the things she'd normally talk to me about with these other people. Her suggesting I worry about her replacing me seems to have been coming from her thoughts now. There's no issue when she shares with me and other people. When you cut someone out in favor of someone else though... potentially something going on there.
But there's a boy involved in there too and we are all of us fools for love/crush.
Anyway, what really got me going on the feel shitty express was when I ran out of Allison lj to read and decided to peruse my old posts.
Big mistake?
The stuff about my very brief yet very elated time with J is no biggie. Yeah there's the stupidity and naivety, but I mostly forgive myself for that. After all, fool, love/crush/infatuation, thing. It's actually quite funny to see the lightswitch change in the posts. The first time I met J it was almost an offhanded comment and always in regards to him being N's brother. Then all of a sudden two posts later it's all: OMG J and cuddles foreverrrrr.
No, what bothered me is seeing the stuff there about my Dad and the completely utter shite that he allowed Elaina to drag me and Danny through and even participated in himself. Total crap nonsense. Elaina pushing him to kick us out of the house, to take away driving privileges because I'd cleaned 2/3 litter boxes before going to bed. Screaming at him to choose between her and Danny....and the utter horror and betrayal when he makes it clear that he chose her. All this just an example of ONE day in that house.
Then outside people had the gall to say things like "She doesn't seem that bad" or "You know Liz has a tendency to be dramatic."
A lot of this stuff I have blocked from my brain in all but the vaguest way. I don't think it's something I could continue to live with otherwise.
She has recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer...caught early. I was not upset at all. This is completely true. And I had felt a vague disappointment at the early detection, followed immediately by self focused narrowed eyes. If not for her, then for Dad, I should feel compassion. He shouldn't have to live with two wives dying suddenly of cancer.
Well....I don't know what kind of person I am or should hope to be.
But the rush of returned memory makes me sick to my stomach, makes me loathe every moment I was anything more than the barest necessitated polite to that monstrosity that dares call herself human.
Even though it makes me more monster to feel it, think it, let alone say it.
I don't care.
She deserves so much worse. Truly.
I lapsed from my initials. But it doesn't matter. She deserves public ridicule and shunning for her character and I'm certainly unafraid of besmirching her reputation.
I'm even not afraid of being placed into that category again of dramatics.
Shit like this, truly horrible, cruel shit like her deserves to be called out. Repeatedly.
It just makes me sad that no matter how loud I could try to scream it, it would all just fall on deaf ears.
Keep the status quo. Don't rock the boat. Be the better person. Blah blah for your father. Get over it.
All I know is, I won't be able to sleep right again until I've managed to tuck it all away again into the padlocked corner of my brain that allows myself to still believe my father could love me.
I was feeling more or less fine earlier.
Yeah, I know I was complaining about trifles and off handed remarks from G & V, but no biggie. As I said, I'd been handling it much better than usual.
I had too much coffee, not unsurprisingly, so I've been kinda shaking a bit for the last 3 hours. Not like in a weird caffeine high way, more in a holy crap it's cold outside, this window saps the heat from me, and when it's late and I've had coffee I lose the ability to properly regulate my internal temperature way.
Anyway, I'm pissed now because I feel like crap. Or at least the anger is washing over to replace the previous utter suckitude.
Why? AC was online, despite the crazy late hour. I sent her an im. Then........nothing. No response.
As soon as the message was sent the little status text above it said she was typing, then said she stopped. So it was clear that she was awake, at her comp, and choosing to ignore me.
This naturally saddened me. I wondered if she was updating her lj as she randomly has been doing recently. Okay, not so randomly, it has to do with the Avatar group she's been obsessing over. Lj is their meet place and when she updates there she's engaging in convo with them, basically.
When I discovered them, she invited me to read all her posts, which I knew I would do (and she must have too) if only out of sheer curiosity. I knew it was a bad idea going into it, but I did it anyhow. It could not be prevented.
Supah depressing. Hate hate hate. I don't like that stuff in general but then it's like...
frustrating and maddening and depressing and most of all terrifying all wrapped up into one big ball of suck.
In other words, hard to swallow.
When we had our little mini half fight thing, as part of her tirade she mentioned me "freaking out that [she's] hanging out with new friends all the time and replacing [me]." I was like....where did that come from, aside from it reasonably being something I've much been concerned with in the past. But in this particular instance, I'd not mentioned it, nor even thought about it. I thought AC was ignoring me for some reason or ignoring everybody for no reason. It never occurred to me that she was in the process of replacing me or anything.
......Never occurred to me until I read her lj.
I hate that feeling and being pulled in by it. But no matter. Nothing I could do about it if it was the case anyhow. I know from experience that AC is a bit like a fish out of water...the tighter you try to hold on the more she wiggles and slips away. Besides, aside from the initial gut punch these things give me, they almost always turn out to be relatively nothing in the long run.
Felt a little better after AC im'd me back to tell me Avatar chat thing is the reason she was ignoring me. Felt a little better after reading through all her posts and seeing she really had only started updating recently. So it wasn't like there was a huge building secret between us or some such nonsense.
That's not to say I particularly like the whole thing. Her not telling me jack squat and instead choosing to share the things she'd normally talk to me about with these other people. Her suggesting I worry about her replacing me seems to have been coming from her thoughts now. There's no issue when she shares with me and other people. When you cut someone out in favor of someone else though... potentially something going on there.
But there's a boy involved in there too and we are all of us fools for love/crush.
Anyway, what really got me going on the feel shitty express was when I ran out of Allison lj to read and decided to peruse my old posts.
Big mistake?
The stuff about my very brief yet very elated time with J is no biggie. Yeah there's the stupidity and naivety, but I mostly forgive myself for that. After all, fool, love/crush/infatuation, thing. It's actually quite funny to see the lightswitch change in the posts. The first time I met J it was almost an offhanded comment and always in regards to him being N's brother. Then all of a sudden two posts later it's all: OMG J and cuddles foreverrrrr.
No, what bothered me is seeing the stuff there about my Dad and the completely utter shite that he allowed Elaina to drag me and Danny through and even participated in himself. Total crap nonsense. Elaina pushing him to kick us out of the house, to take away driving privileges because I'd cleaned 2/3 litter boxes before going to bed. Screaming at him to choose between her and Danny....and the utter horror and betrayal when he makes it clear that he chose her. All this just an example of ONE day in that house.
Then outside people had the gall to say things like "She doesn't seem that bad" or "You know Liz has a tendency to be dramatic."
A lot of this stuff I have blocked from my brain in all but the vaguest way. I don't think it's something I could continue to live with otherwise.
She has recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer...caught early. I was not upset at all. This is completely true. And I had felt a vague disappointment at the early detection, followed immediately by self focused narrowed eyes. If not for her, then for Dad, I should feel compassion. He shouldn't have to live with two wives dying suddenly of cancer.
Well....I don't know what kind of person I am or should hope to be.
But the rush of returned memory makes me sick to my stomach, makes me loathe every moment I was anything more than the barest necessitated polite to that monstrosity that dares call herself human.
Even though it makes me more monster to feel it, think it, let alone say it.
I don't care.
She deserves so much worse. Truly.
I lapsed from my initials. But it doesn't matter. She deserves public ridicule and shunning for her character and I'm certainly unafraid of besmirching her reputation.
I'm even not afraid of being placed into that category again of dramatics.
Shit like this, truly horrible, cruel shit like her deserves to be called out. Repeatedly.
It just makes me sad that no matter how loud I could try to scream it, it would all just fall on deaf ears.
Keep the status quo. Don't rock the boat. Be the better person. Blah blah for your father. Get over it.
All I know is, I won't be able to sleep right again until I've managed to tuck it all away again into the padlocked corner of my brain that allows myself to still believe my father could love me.
What I hope to make a tradition
So I made an overly long, overly sensitive, overly full of whine post about the day.
Looking back on this journal in future I will inevitably cringe at such.
Also, I won't remember anything about the evening aside from the mention of UFC and then my complaining of he said she said crap.
So I'm going to try and lay out a brief schedule of things I did today. Sort of anyhow.
And perhaps I can build a habit.....
So, today, I tried my very best to sleep in and only mildly accomplished it.
I was on the day shift at work for a week from Mon - Thur for a Kaizen (a sort of Amazon specific process of looking at improving a certain department or process or problem or whathaveyou). Since I had just worked Wed - Sat before that, I hadn't had much time to flip and now I'm trying to flop before going back to my night shift for Sun-Wed ongoing.
I got up and intended on sitting down at the comp to write AM an email. As so often happens when I sit down with that intention, the first thing I did was to check her blogs for updates. That then lead me to checking my comics for updates. It will snowball from there.
Today's snowball was updating my own blog and then creating this one.
My previous blog is going to become (or hopefully?) a creative blog filled with snipets of writing, poems, short stories, or what have you.
Still haven't gotten that email out to AM and it's been forever!! Gah, I'm such a bad pen pal person. >.< Not for lack of caring, though there's no way anyone could know it, let alone believe it...(Ask K about that one.)
Went over to G & V's to leave for the UFC thing. That was fine and fun and I'm glad I went. I don't do enough social things in general. Though I'm not sure how much it counts when all the social things I do are directly related to my family or to my brother's friends, not my own.
Came home, but not before getting two large coffees from McDo. I'm already yawning and I refuse utterly to get to sleep before 5 am tonight! Last night was midnight. The night before was a shameful 7 pm passed out on the couch. >.<
Normal standards need not apply here. I have to be at work tomorrow from 6 pm to 4:30 am. Then there's the drive home. So I need to be readjusted to that heavily nocturnal schedule.
So here I am, not writing an email to AM again in favor of, again, updating a blog.
I'm not sure why it is I do these things. Where's the value in the avoidance? I don't know.
It's not a laziness thing. It reads more as an avoidance of embarrassment thing. But that's clearly a cross wiring situation in my brain.
Oh right, the big huzzah today was reaching 30 lbs lost on the scale. I've been there a couple times now and keep bouncing back up. It's driving me a little nuts. But to be fair, I've not been tracking my food or calorie limits for several weeks.
I'd been saying I lost 35 lbs. I don't think that's a bad overstatement though, if I consider that I had been losing weight before I started tracking the weight loss.
So, 30 down and only about 80 more to go for my initial goal, at least. (Really, 30 more to go before my last "acceptable" weight I'd had. Acceptable meaning only that others found me actively attractive.)
Another note to throw in for the future posterity: Moved the first batch of stuff over to the new Ahwatukee place on Fri. It's going to be really very nice. I still need to call movers to set up a time for the big stuff, and then there's the cable people. O.O Hate that stuff, ugh.
Also, what's the deal with AC? She's making me sad. Several weeks of basically not talking with a half-fight thrown in there somewhere. We talk again last night and she's *still* preoccupied with this Avatar group she's got going on. I really don't mind that she has it (good for her, seriously, that she has something fun to do) but I wasn't worried about it replacing or usurping me....and now it sort of is? wth.
I'm trying not to make a deal of it though, because these things usually have a way of correcting themselves.
Looking back on this journal in future I will inevitably cringe at such.
Also, I won't remember anything about the evening aside from the mention of UFC and then my complaining of he said she said crap.
So I'm going to try and lay out a brief schedule of things I did today. Sort of anyhow.
And perhaps I can build a habit.....
So, today, I tried my very best to sleep in and only mildly accomplished it.
I was on the day shift at work for a week from Mon - Thur for a Kaizen (a sort of Amazon specific process of looking at improving a certain department or process or problem or whathaveyou). Since I had just worked Wed - Sat before that, I hadn't had much time to flip and now I'm trying to flop before going back to my night shift for Sun-Wed ongoing.
I got up and intended on sitting down at the comp to write AM an email. As so often happens when I sit down with that intention, the first thing I did was to check her blogs for updates. That then lead me to checking my comics for updates. It will snowball from there.
Today's snowball was updating my own blog and then creating this one.
My previous blog is going to become (or hopefully?) a creative blog filled with snipets of writing, poems, short stories, or what have you.
Still haven't gotten that email out to AM and it's been forever!! Gah, I'm such a bad pen pal person. >.< Not for lack of caring, though there's no way anyone could know it, let alone believe it...(Ask K about that one.)
Went over to G & V's to leave for the UFC thing. That was fine and fun and I'm glad I went. I don't do enough social things in general. Though I'm not sure how much it counts when all the social things I do are directly related to my family or to my brother's friends, not my own.
Came home, but not before getting two large coffees from McDo. I'm already yawning and I refuse utterly to get to sleep before 5 am tonight! Last night was midnight. The night before was a shameful 7 pm passed out on the couch. >.<
Normal standards need not apply here. I have to be at work tomorrow from 6 pm to 4:30 am. Then there's the drive home. So I need to be readjusted to that heavily nocturnal schedule.
So here I am, not writing an email to AM again in favor of, again, updating a blog.
I'm not sure why it is I do these things. Where's the value in the avoidance? I don't know.
It's not a laziness thing. It reads more as an avoidance of embarrassment thing. But that's clearly a cross wiring situation in my brain.
Oh right, the big huzzah today was reaching 30 lbs lost on the scale. I've been there a couple times now and keep bouncing back up. It's driving me a little nuts. But to be fair, I've not been tracking my food or calorie limits for several weeks.
I'd been saying I lost 35 lbs. I don't think that's a bad overstatement though, if I consider that I had been losing weight before I started tracking the weight loss.
So, 30 down and only about 80 more to go for my initial goal, at least. (Really, 30 more to go before my last "acceptable" weight I'd had. Acceptable meaning only that others found me actively attractive.)
Another note to throw in for the future posterity: Moved the first batch of stuff over to the new Ahwatukee place on Fri. It's going to be really very nice. I still need to call movers to set up a time for the big stuff, and then there's the cable people. O.O Hate that stuff, ugh.
Also, what's the deal with AC? She's making me sad. Several weeks of basically not talking with a half-fight thrown in there somewhere. We talk again last night and she's *still* preoccupied with this Avatar group she's got going on. I really don't mind that she has it (good for her, seriously, that she has something fun to do) but I wasn't worried about it replacing or usurping me....and now it sort of is? wth.
I'm trying not to make a deal of it though, because these things usually have a way of correcting themselves.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Not this again
Went out with G&V today for the UFC fight. Instead of the previous norm of going to the local bar, we went to one of G's friends' house and watched it there with a group of people.
It was uneventful for the most part. G's friend (I think J?) has a really cute 11 mth old, B, that I got to hold and play with some through the evening and two sweet dogs, D & D. The other people there were from J's wife's side of the family. V was having cramps through the evening and was mostly quiet. G drank and did shots so V drove home.
I still find it odd that even though we always use my car the option of me driving almost never comes up, except on trips out to CA. I can understand in the present circumstances that V gets carsick easily and sometimes feels better being the driver rather than a passenger. But in most other cases I think it boils down to me perpetually being the younger sibling. True, V is a very aggressive driver who feels quite skilled and is known for her backseat advice. But she has only been driving for about 3/4 years compared to my almost 11.
I don't mind not driving, it's just an obvious social reinforcement of my relative position with them.
By the by, doing this initial thing that AM does is kinda random, but I think it could make journal posts read as less whiney so I'm trying it. (I'm aware it's the other stuff I say that's full of complaint, not names. But in this way I hope to avoid appearing like I'm attacking anyone or always grumbling about someone or other in particular.)
So, the pertinent part of the evening (to the title) was the drive home. As so often occurs, far too often, a random conversation leads to G & V saying derogatory or otherwise hurtful things about me in the guise of helpful advice/simple observation.
Tonight's foray was into the world of academics and living arrangements.
It started as remarks upon J's situation living with his wife and son rent free or greatly reduced in a large house and not having to pay for child care thanks to the other family members living in the house as well. J's wife's mother, sister, and brother live there and help care for B. V's sister has a similar arrangement with her husband's family.
V remarks "are we doing something wrong here." To which G suggests they let me move back in to help with the child care thing. Impossible to tell if this is a serious suggestion or not. If maybe not living with them, at one point, G remarks how child care costs would be equivalent to paying my rent costs (but then she'd have no money for food or ehr car, etc). Somehow the conversation gets on to me quiting my job and going back to school full time. I was asking about financial aid stuff, trying to work out in my head if there was possibly a way for me to be able to go to school full time without having to work. The answer to that is, not unsurprisingly, no.
The heart of the matter that upset me was two off handed comments. One, when I was talking about how you're essentially screwed over by living alone, financially. (You end up paying $300 less a month for a larger, nicer apartment if you've another person, was the example.) V tosses off, "Well, I can't think of a single person who could stand to live with you considering the way you live. I mean seriously, not a single person. Not anyone." This is not an unsurprising statement, especially from her, but is excessively harsh. For one, there are people who could stand to live with me the way I live currently, and for two, I would alter how I currently live if I lived with someone else anyhow. Considering that V has shared an apartment for 6 mths and a house for 6 mths with me before, rather uneventfully, she should have first hand knowledge of that fact.
Anyhow, it should be easy to brush off and stupid but it's not and it wasn't said as such.
Do I chalk this up to a combination of hormones and her being excessively tired from not having her usual prego nap?
The other comment that got me was when we were talking about me going to school. I was saying how everyone I talked to at Amazon who also does school says they regularly get only 1 or 2 hours of sleep on a day when they have class. I was saying that I didn't think I could do that. G points out Vanessa did that with the census job and said "It just depends on how much you want it."
Maybe that's a fair thing to say, maybe not. But the judgement behind it is never particularly flattering. Besides, I don't think it's unreasonable of me to balk at 2 hrs of sleep. I did 4/5 hrs all through high school. I know I can subsist on very little sleep, but I also know it screws with you, and when you're predisposed to depression as I am, it's sorta asking for a major onset right there. But beyond that. Truly, the biggest obstacle is the particular job I have. This job has long hours and is immensely physically demanding. It's not the sort of thing you can or should do while in sleep debt. The folks I know at work who do school at the same time are constantly going home early or sick from work. I've already had issues with pain and heat exhaustion (one day the AmCare nurse didn't even want me driving home due to my symptoms) and that's with me at my best - fully rested, fully hydrated. I'm loathe to imagine the sort of pain/heat sickness I could be putting myself in to attempt that job on no sleep.
Anyway, it just irks me how common an occurance this whole thing is. Drive home from an otherwise uneventful or pleasant evening and get torn down by G & V on the way. I don't like myself enough as is. I'm very well aware of my myriad personal failings. I don't need help in the demolition department.
I wish I knew how to recruit for the construction industry.
It's not just G & V though, and basically nothing they say is untrue, just stated in a needlessly harsh manner. (Most of it need not be said at all.)
I'm handling it much better than usual though. Not sure why that is.
It was uneventful for the most part. G's friend (I think J?) has a really cute 11 mth old, B, that I got to hold and play with some through the evening and two sweet dogs, D & D. The other people there were from J's wife's side of the family. V was having cramps through the evening and was mostly quiet. G drank and did shots so V drove home.
I still find it odd that even though we always use my car the option of me driving almost never comes up, except on trips out to CA. I can understand in the present circumstances that V gets carsick easily and sometimes feels better being the driver rather than a passenger. But in most other cases I think it boils down to me perpetually being the younger sibling. True, V is a very aggressive driver who feels quite skilled and is known for her backseat advice. But she has only been driving for about 3/4 years compared to my almost 11.
I don't mind not driving, it's just an obvious social reinforcement of my relative position with them.
By the by, doing this initial thing that AM does is kinda random, but I think it could make journal posts read as less whiney so I'm trying it. (I'm aware it's the other stuff I say that's full of complaint, not names. But in this way I hope to avoid appearing like I'm attacking anyone or always grumbling about someone or other in particular.)
So, the pertinent part of the evening (to the title) was the drive home. As so often occurs, far too often, a random conversation leads to G & V saying derogatory or otherwise hurtful things about me in the guise of helpful advice/simple observation.
Tonight's foray was into the world of academics and living arrangements.
It started as remarks upon J's situation living with his wife and son rent free or greatly reduced in a large house and not having to pay for child care thanks to the other family members living in the house as well. J's wife's mother, sister, and brother live there and help care for B. V's sister has a similar arrangement with her husband's family.
V remarks "are we doing something wrong here." To which G suggests they let me move back in to help with the child care thing. Impossible to tell if this is a serious suggestion or not. If maybe not living with them, at one point, G remarks how child care costs would be equivalent to paying my rent costs (but then she'd have no money for food or ehr car, etc). Somehow the conversation gets on to me quiting my job and going back to school full time. I was asking about financial aid stuff, trying to work out in my head if there was possibly a way for me to be able to go to school full time without having to work. The answer to that is, not unsurprisingly, no.
The heart of the matter that upset me was two off handed comments. One, when I was talking about how you're essentially screwed over by living alone, financially. (You end up paying $300 less a month for a larger, nicer apartment if you've another person, was the example.) V tosses off, "Well, I can't think of a single person who could stand to live with you considering the way you live. I mean seriously, not a single person. Not anyone." This is not an unsurprising statement, especially from her, but is excessively harsh. For one, there are people who could stand to live with me the way I live currently, and for two, I would alter how I currently live if I lived with someone else anyhow. Considering that V has shared an apartment for 6 mths and a house for 6 mths with me before, rather uneventfully, she should have first hand knowledge of that fact.
Anyhow, it should be easy to brush off and stupid but it's not and it wasn't said as such.
Do I chalk this up to a combination of hormones and her being excessively tired from not having her usual prego nap?
The other comment that got me was when we were talking about me going to school. I was saying how everyone I talked to at Amazon who also does school says they regularly get only 1 or 2 hours of sleep on a day when they have class. I was saying that I didn't think I could do that. G points out Vanessa did that with the census job and said "It just depends on how much you want it."
Maybe that's a fair thing to say, maybe not. But the judgement behind it is never particularly flattering. Besides, I don't think it's unreasonable of me to balk at 2 hrs of sleep. I did 4/5 hrs all through high school. I know I can subsist on very little sleep, but I also know it screws with you, and when you're predisposed to depression as I am, it's sorta asking for a major onset right there. But beyond that. Truly, the biggest obstacle is the particular job I have. This job has long hours and is immensely physically demanding. It's not the sort of thing you can or should do while in sleep debt. The folks I know at work who do school at the same time are constantly going home early or sick from work. I've already had issues with pain and heat exhaustion (one day the AmCare nurse didn't even want me driving home due to my symptoms) and that's with me at my best - fully rested, fully hydrated. I'm loathe to imagine the sort of pain/heat sickness I could be putting myself in to attempt that job on no sleep.
Anyway, it just irks me how common an occurance this whole thing is. Drive home from an otherwise uneventful or pleasant evening and get torn down by G & V on the way. I don't like myself enough as is. I'm very well aware of my myriad personal failings. I don't need help in the demolition department.
I wish I knew how to recruit for the construction industry.
It's not just G & V though, and basically nothing they say is untrue, just stated in a needlessly harsh manner. (Most of it need not be said at all.)
I'm handling it much better than usual though. Not sure why that is.
This, is a test post
I'm not sure what this blog will look like.
So I'm making this test post to see if I want to adjust it at all.
It's a bit silly to be making a secondary blog anyhow.
Anytime I start with the expectation of journaling honestly and consistently, they both fall by the way side at some point.
I'm not great at consistency and then the honesty thing always gets screwed up because firstly, this is a somewhat public format, and secondly, in connection with that I simply care too much about how I'm perceived and unintentionally hurting people's feelings to say what I really think or feel in that moment.
Usually, anyhow.
And then, there's the thing that you feel a certain way when you're upset and then when the issue is resolved, returning to that previous feeling or if the person finds out how you felt then, can just reinstigate the original issue that had been resolved.
Life....too complicated sometimes.
So I'm making this test post to see if I want to adjust it at all.
It's a bit silly to be making a secondary blog anyhow.
Anytime I start with the expectation of journaling honestly and consistently, they both fall by the way side at some point.
I'm not great at consistency and then the honesty thing always gets screwed up because firstly, this is a somewhat public format, and secondly, in connection with that I simply care too much about how I'm perceived and unintentionally hurting people's feelings to say what I really think or feel in that moment.
Usually, anyhow.
And then, there's the thing that you feel a certain way when you're upset and then when the issue is resolved, returning to that previous feeling or if the person finds out how you felt then, can just reinstigate the original issue that had been resolved.
Life....too complicated sometimes.
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