RetroActive

So, I had every intention of popping on here last night to post. Trying to make a habit of it, you know. But then my body had other ideas and I passed out within an hour of getting home.
I've been doing this flat out pass out thing for a few days now.
I woke up this morning with a headache and my eyes feel swollen....so now I wonder if I'm getting sick.

This would not be ideal, obviously. Got a lot on my plate at the moment.

Last night was the first night of my new shift with my new manager and such. I know J as a manager because my old shift and this one overlap on Wed so I always saw him at least once a week. He strikes me as fair and nice, just like C my previous manager, and there's been nothing to dissuade me from that point of view yet.

I was really loathe and nervous because T had told me (she's also switched shift with me) that the new PA (that's like assistant manager) K had said he was going to put us both to stowing every night. I don't mind the process of stowing, but it is what I was doing when my heat sickness made me go home 3 hrs early. It's soooo hot in the Stow area, and my rate sucks there, too.

Anyway, after standup when everyone went off to their positions, I asked J what I should do and mentioned I ordinarily do prep. So he put me there. Hallelujah. Sooo much less heat and less intense (though the tradeoff is I ache from head to toe after a shift, walk like I'm 90 yrs old, and my feet want to detach and smack me upside the head.) K came over throughout the night and seemed impressed with how I ran things over there ("Damn fine Prep crew") and such.
J came over in the beginning of the night concerned that they were "hemorrhaging hours in prep" because the computer only registers us as having done anything when we complete the last step of the process (receiving the newly prep'd items.) He asked me to get the rate up and I did.

My question now is...how much did I get the rate up? K seemed to think we did an awesome job. J was more mediocre in his assessment.

Ordinarily I don't care that much about this stuff. It changes so much from day to day, where's the point in worrying about it?
But this time.....I really wanted to do a kick ass job so that they'd consider me to be their prep person and I can avoid the hell hole of a stow mod as much as possible.

We'll see how it shakes out tonight. I'm cautiously optimistic though...and I stupidly translated that into wearing jeans instead of shorts tonight. Let's see if I pass out right there on the concrete floor! (Ok, to be honest, the jeans thing has less to do with my optimism and more to do with me not wanting to shave.)

On the plus side of things, my jeans are starting to do the falling down thing, so I may be at the point where I have to go a size down again. This means I'll have hit 4 sizes down since I started really trying to lose weight.

Woke up this morning to a couple patronizing texts from G about the move. (Please support me, not direct me...is that not an obvious thing?) I had already decided to call the movers today (having determined it prob wasn't best to do so on Super Bowl Sunday) but the peevish side of me makes me not want to do when G sends me a text telling me to do so.
It's all just reinforcement of the concept of "If I don't tell her to do it in this way, she won't do it."
I won't deny that that's often the case - mostly in terms of things that only effect (affect? I can't keep those straight sometimes) me. I'm almost always on the ball if it negatively impacts other people.

He also was designating certain days to move more stuff over to my new place before work. I'm not so sure how that's going to work out. Personally, I'd rather make lots of trips on a day off than get less sleep to do one trip on a work day. Also, I panic the whole time that I need to leave or be late for work.

This is part of my long standing tradition of not doing anything before going to work. You sleep in until the last possible moment you need to get up, leaving just enough time to dress, eat, and get yourself to work on time.
Then anything that needs to be done will be done after work.

Blah blah.

AM wrote me back today. :) Well, to be fair, she wrote me back right away to say she was going to write me back more extensively today. So that's like writing back twice. Or maybe one and a half? Anyways, I always like to get emails from her.
I was listening to the music she gave me the other day and one of the songs (Marian Call...I think it was In the Black) aside from being one of the best by that particular artist, set off my guilt trip mechanism like woah.
It's like it was written directly about me or something. >.<
It's about a person who moves away (to be "free") but isn't in good contact with the people s/he left ("We wish we could see you. We thought you might find time to write us now and then"), and then the real kicker is the "we" in the song says "We love you but don't ask us to pretend. Come home if you want a friend."

Anyway, basically the whole thing feels like it really was written specifically about my situation. :(
Ah well. I've always known I was a bad friend, in at least the trappings of it. I care very deeply about people and I want to be there for them when they need me. I'd drop everything to try and help a friend in crisis or anything. I'm great at being there in person. But I've always always always sucked at this long distance keeping in touch thing. I don't really get why.
It doesn't help a lot that I start out assuming all people will get tired of being my friend eventually anyhow. And then I take ridiculous things too personally. Like when I call someone and they're too busy to talk, or even worse, when the convo gets cut short, I always leave that thinking they didn't really want to talk to me anyhow or I'm intruding or an annoyance like a chore that needs to get ticked off the list.
Even in circumstances where I know this is not the case at all, I still get that initial gut reaction of worthlessness. It's terrible of me.
It even happens when I call my Grandmother, who complains that I never call her - thinks I don't really like her because of it, and then, when I do call, after a little bit she wants to get off the phone.

I just want to yell at my brain to cut it out and rewire or reprogram or whatever already.
In the long run, it's maybe better to be the idiot who overextends themselves where they're not wanted, than to be the fool who doesn't reach out where they are wanted and wish to be.

But then I do the former, too. >.<
There is just never a happy medium with me. Never a consistency. At least of positive behaviors.

Oh good lord. I took too much time with this post and now I don't think I have time to respond to AM's email!!! Grah. I should have done that first. I just wanted to try and build the habit of posting more frequently.

Well, at least it's not so troublesome to compose email on my phone. Speaking of which it just buzzed with the "you must leave right now for work" alarm.

Well, I guess phone email it is then. I wish I could type while I drive. Then I'd have an hour a day to do it consistently.

-_-