Time warp

I am seriously caught in a time warp today. It is strange how fast time is flying right by.
I suspect a time warp because time is speeding by regardless of when I want it to or not.
As opposed to the norm, where time speeds up when I want it to last, and slows down when I desperately need it to go by.

Everything is taking huge chunks of time away.

The good part of that was that work flew by tonight. Thankfully.
But I found out tonight that the trainer position that I've been waiting for for so long, was posted last Wednesday and tomorrow/today Wednesday is the closing date on it.
Granted, today has only been my second day at work since it was posted.
However, all of us ex-seasonal trainer peoples were speculating endlessly and looking out for one another on the job posting front. I only found out about the posting because E asked me if I'd turned mine in yet. (For what? The trainer position....convo ensues. E says he only mentioned it because he thought I already knew.) Basically, I found out that everyone else under the sun knew about it, has applied for it, and talked about it amongst themselves, but no one told me about it. There was even a little bit there where my brain was going all conspiracy theory because E listed off about 6 or so people who had personally come up to ask him if he'd applied yet, but, again, no one had mentioned a thing to me.

Could this mean they don't want me working with them? Could it be to lessen the competition? Blah blah.

I asked T about it. She said she didn't mention it because she knew I wouldn't get the job anyhow (seeing as some other guy I've never met but T knows applied and she thinks he's a shoe in.) Every time it got brought up she just said, well, he's going to get it. Then I asked her "So you're not even going to apply for it?" "Oh, well, I turned my application in, but I'm not going to get it." Oh well then.

Anyhow, I really wanted to VTO (unpaid time off given at the manager's discretion when there's not enough work to be had) and go home to do my resume but K, the PA, said it absolutely wasn't going to happen.

I spent most all the night at work running through my qualifications and how I would have to rewrite my resume to be geared towards training/teaching experience. I started running through it all, how I've trained people at literally every job I've had, my years of religious school teaching, my approachable personality, etc, and I started getting a bit pumped. I was supremely qualified and this job was made for my talents.

Then as we were leaving I chatted with T again and she totally. bummed. me. out.
It's kinda just the thing she does. Not really intentional, at least towards me. She's one of those, psych yourself out of things so you're never disappointed if you don't get them, sorts.
The problem I had is everything that got brought up was a really good point.


This is the worst part:
TS who swapped with TO half way through peak to be the new learning manager is the one hiring for this position. Normally, it's a benefit for me when any manager I've worked with before is on the hiring crew because they're familiar with my qualities. A lot of what I have to offer as an employee just sounds trite on paper but is true, like never saying no when asked to do things, willingness to learn and help, quick learner, positive personality (95% of the time), trustworthy, self-motivated, work well unsupervised, etc.

Anyhow, in this one particular instance, TS is the only manager I've ever had that I felt I hadn't impressed in some way (Even S from BoA who was an asshole and made me cry one day -and most all the rest of the staff on other days- said he regretted my leaving because he had had to replace me with two tellers on account of how fast I was). In fact, I got the impression that he, TS, doesn't much like me in any way.

Most all of it is situational and I would go into it here but that'd just be a blatant time waster when I should (even now) be working on my resume. But some of it is that he happened to catch me at that 5% of the time when I'm not supremely positive at work. I was in pain, it was hot, and I was stressed to the max trying to figure out this vacation thing to Seattle. I was asking if I could talk to hr about it, he thought I was just trying to get out of working, said no, wrote an email on my behalf which didn't ask the question I was dictating to him. He got annoyed when I persistently repeated this question, and then ultimately, came in on my day off and talked to hr directly about it (which circumstantially could have been seen as going behind his back or above his head or trying for special treatment in some way).

That, and one other incident (involving the entire night learning team), are what I believe put me over the top in his book into definitely don't like territory.

So, I'm a procrastinator by nature in any (and every?) case. It's hard for me to set right down and work on something until it's finished. (Personally, not professionally, go figure.) Now all the wind has been pulled from my sails and I'm just drifting, trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with this thing. How to process it?

Really, I should just f*king write the damn resume and have done with. The rest will happen regardless of whether or not I've processed or prepared for it.

The problem is, it's a hell of a lot of effort to go into something that I now believe may be a sort of fool's errand. All for naught.

But I've wanted this soooo much that it'd be criminal for me to not at least try. Right?
Right?

Ugh.