Do Not Want

What the hell is this shit?!

I was feeling more or less fine earlier.
Yeah, I know I was complaining about trifles and off handed remarks from G & V, but no biggie. As I said, I'd been handling it much better than usual.

I had too much coffee, not unsurprisingly, so I've been kinda shaking a bit for the last 3 hours. Not like in a weird caffeine high way, more in a holy crap it's cold outside, this window saps the heat from me, and when it's late and I've had coffee I lose the ability to properly regulate my internal temperature way.

Anyway, I'm pissed now because I feel like crap. Or at least the anger is washing over to replace the previous utter suckitude.

Why? AC was online, despite the crazy late hour. I sent her an im. Then........nothing. No response.
As soon as the message was sent the little status text above it said she was typing, then said she stopped. So it was clear that she was awake, at her comp, and choosing to ignore me.

This naturally saddened me. I wondered if she was updating her lj as she randomly has been doing recently. Okay, not so randomly, it has to do with the Avatar group she's been obsessing over. Lj is their meet place and when she updates there she's engaging in convo with them, basically.

When I discovered them, she invited me to read all her posts, which I knew I would do (and she must have too) if only out of sheer curiosity. I knew it was a bad idea going into it, but I did it anyhow. It could not be prevented.

Supah depressing. Hate hate hate. I don't like that stuff in general but then it's like...
frustrating and maddening and depressing and most of all terrifying all wrapped up into one big ball of suck.
In other words, hard to swallow.

When we had our little mini half fight thing, as part of her tirade she mentioned me "freaking out that [she's] hanging out with new friends all the time and replacing [me]." I was like....where did that come from, aside from it reasonably being something I've much been concerned with in the past. But in this particular instance, I'd not mentioned it, nor even thought about it. I thought AC was ignoring me for some reason or ignoring everybody for no reason. It never occurred to me that she was in the process of replacing me or anything.
......Never occurred to me until I read her lj.
I hate that feeling and being pulled in by it. But no matter. Nothing I could do about it if it was the case anyhow. I know from experience that AC is a bit like a fish out of water...the tighter you try to hold on the more she wiggles and slips away. Besides, aside from the initial gut punch these things give me, they almost always turn out to be relatively nothing in the long run.

Felt a little better after AC im'd me back to tell me Avatar chat thing is the reason she was ignoring me. Felt a little better after reading through all her posts and seeing she really had only started updating recently. So it wasn't like there was a huge building secret between us or some such nonsense.

That's not to say I particularly like the whole thing. Her not telling me jack squat and instead choosing to share the things she'd normally talk to me about with these other people. Her suggesting I worry about her replacing me seems to have been coming from her thoughts now. There's no issue when she shares with me and other people. When you cut someone out in favor of someone else though... potentially something going on there.
But there's a boy involved in there too and we are all of us fools for love/crush.

Anyway, what really got me going on the feel shitty express was when I ran out of Allison lj to read and decided to peruse my old posts.
Big mistake?

The stuff about my very brief yet very elated time with J is no biggie. Yeah there's the stupidity and naivety, but I mostly forgive myself for that. After all, fool, love/crush/infatuation, thing. It's actually quite funny to see the lightswitch change in the posts. The first time I met J it was almost an offhanded comment and always in regards to him being N's brother. Then all of a sudden two posts later it's all: OMG J and cuddles foreverrrrr.

No, what bothered me is seeing the stuff there about my Dad and the completely utter shite that he allowed Elaina to drag me and Danny through and even participated in himself. Total crap nonsense. Elaina pushing him to kick us out of the house, to take away driving privileges because I'd cleaned 2/3 litter boxes before going to bed. Screaming at him to choose between her and Danny....and the utter horror and betrayal when he makes it clear that he chose her. All this just an example of ONE day in that house.

Then outside people had the gall to say things like "She doesn't seem that bad" or "You know Liz has a tendency to be dramatic."

A lot of this stuff I have blocked from my brain in all but the vaguest way. I don't think it's something I could continue to live with otherwise.

She has recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer...caught early. I was not upset at all. This is completely true. And I had felt a vague disappointment at the early detection, followed immediately by self focused narrowed eyes. If not for her, then for Dad, I should feel compassion. He shouldn't have to live with two wives dying suddenly of cancer.

Well....I don't know what kind of person I am or should hope to be.
But the rush of returned memory makes me sick to my stomach, makes me loathe every moment I was anything more than the barest necessitated polite to that monstrosity that dares call herself human.
Even though it makes me more monster to feel it, think it, let alone say it.
I don't care.
She deserves so much worse. Truly.

I lapsed from my initials. But it doesn't matter. She deserves public ridicule and shunning for her character and I'm certainly unafraid of besmirching her reputation.
I'm even not afraid of being placed into that category again of dramatics.
Shit like this, truly horrible, cruel shit like her deserves to be called out. Repeatedly.
It just makes me sad that no matter how loud I could try to scream it, it would all just fall on deaf ears.
Keep the status quo. Don't rock the boat. Be the better person. Blah blah for your father. Get over it.

All I know is, I won't be able to sleep right again until I've managed to tuck it all away again into the padlocked corner of my brain that allows myself to still believe my father could love me.